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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Real Time Advice Needed

13 replies

OneRedNewt · 25/11/2025 05:46

Faith has been stuck between two men who meet opposite halves of her needs. Mont gives her the practical future she wants, but he fails her emotionally, he shuts down when she’s overwhelmed, has told her “whatever this is,” suggested taking breaks, called her asking for updates “stalker behavior,” and becomes logical instead of supportive when she needs comfort. Helia gives her emotional safety, reads her well, stays during her breakdowns, and never abandons her, but he is possessive, insecure, wanted her attention constantly, and refuses the separate home and independence she considers essential to her future. Because of this, Faith feels like she would lose her freedom with Helia and lose her emotional stability with Mont.

Faith flirted with Mont while she was still unsure about Helia, felt guilty when Mont confessed, and now feels trapped because Mont’s big promises (“I’d marry you,” “I’ll take you with me wherever I go”) don’t match how detached he acts. Mont suggested distance multiple times, disappears mid-conversations, and prioritizes everything else before her despite saying she’s important. Meanwhile, Helia still misses her deeply and clings to her friend for updates, but Faith knows choosing him means giving up her independence. She wants a year-long break from both because she feels pressured to “show up” emotionally even when she can’t, and she fears Mont might give her a symbolic gift that emotionally traps her into a promise she isn’t ready to make.

Ultimately, Faith’s dilemma is that Mont makes her feel like a burden, and Helia makes her feel held but trapped. She is terrified of choosing wrong because she needs to see the “worst” in people to know if she can walk through life with them, and Mont consistently fails those emotional tests while Helia fails the independence ones.

What should Faith do?

OP posts:
NestEmptying · 25/11/2025 05:55

Both have major red flags. Faith should choose neither and raise her standards.
Also, this reads like a bad romance novel from the past.

Climbinghigher · 25/11/2025 06:02

Bin them both.

SageSorrelSaffron · 25/11/2025 06:06

Faith should get herself into therapy, and put both those losers in the bin.

summitfever · 25/11/2025 06:10

you do realise there is an option three, to recognise that neither of these men are the one and walk away? That’s the one. There are another 3-4 billion men on this earth why settle for either of these oddballs?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/11/2025 06:10

Bin them both and get therapy as to why you keep choosing men so poorly. Your type is not your type.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

MadamDicey · 25/11/2025 06:13

Neither , they can't give what faith wants and needs.

Dolamroth · 25/11/2025 06:14

Dump them both, listen to some Chaka Khan and raise your standards.

strange25 · 25/11/2025 06:16

Faith answered her own question, faith wants a year long break.

Yamamm · 25/11/2025 06:24

Why the rush to settle for one of them? Are you actually in a relationship with both of them currently? That won’t help.

yikesss · 25/11/2025 06:30

Neither they both sound awful

OneRedNewt · 25/11/2025 06:46

Faith has known both the men for some while now. With Helia it has been a few years, and with Mont it's been more than 5. She cares for the both of them, but will eventually have to choose.

She isn't in a relationship currently, and the thought of getting to know someone new scares her. Both men do sound awful as they aren't adding value to her existence, but isn't life about making the choices with what we have and be grateful about it?

Do you think that Helia would give her that independence someday, or will Mont become emotionally stable? We know that love isn't everything, now is it?

What is more achievable in life?

OP posts:
SoManyDandelions · 25/11/2025 06:57

Neither of these men are the one for you.

Choose option c - being single and happy on your own. Fill your life with friends and hobbies and travel and work. Maybe you'll then meet Hamish, who fulfills your emotional needs while respecting your need for independence. Maybe you won't. But surely being on your own with the potential to meet Hamish is better than being stuck in an unhappy relationship with Mont and/or Helia?

Seaoftroubles · 25/11/2025 07:15

She doesn't 'have to choose' either of them. She can prioritise herself and walk away from both.

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