Following an argument with my partner this evening I'm after some advice.
For context, there's been a long standing issue where my partner drifts off when I talk. Examples are:
- He will ask me a question and not listen to my answer
- He will call me to where he is to ask something, and then get distracted and do something else as I'm chatting
- He will walk out of the room whilst I'm mid-flow, not acknowledging that I'm still talking
- He will zone out when I'm talking about something and then acknowledge that he hasn't listened and ask me to repeat myself
- If I ask him a question he often doesn't answer
One of these examples will happen most days.
At times I will walk into his office when he's working and ask him a question, and he doesn't lift his head up from his laptop which is fair I think, as I'm asking him something whilst he's clearly preoccupied.
The other occasions though can be whilst we're having dinner, in the car, in the middle of a conversation etc.
It's also becoming a habit where our six year old daughter does the same.
We've spoken about how this affects my confidence and my sense of self worth in our family. I don't just feel unheard, I feel totally invisible.
On Friday evening there was an instance over dinner where I was answering my partners question and whilst doing this, he started talking to our six year old.
I highlighted it and he was very apologetic and took full ownership. We agreed that he and our daughter would have a chat this weekend on how they could change this repeating behaviour.
As they didn't have the conversation this weekend, I reminded them this evening. The solution they came back with was:
- When they start to drift off I should use a word such as 'Bluey' to bring their attention back
- If they talk over me I should use the word 'Bingo'
I told them I didn't feel great about their solution as it felt like I was taking on the action and it was on me to have to keep highlighting when this was happening.
My partner told me that this is a technique to break behaviour and this would help them do it. It's not about me taking the action, it's about raising their awareness so they can stop the habit. .
He did ask me what I thought the solution is, and I started with 'I don't know' which I know isn't helpful.
I explained that this is something that's really important to me and is really affecting me, and I'm just a bit sad that it feels like the solution is mine to fix.
For context, there's a common theme where almost everything in the household and family life falls to me to own. I have had a particularly bad day of doing everything everyone needs me to do, and not what I need to do, and I know this influenced my response.
The conversation didn't end well, I felt my partner was quite abrasive and instantly annoyed when I didn't sign up to the solution, and he felt like they did what I asked and still wasn't happy.
I don't want to fall out over this but before I go and remedy the evening I would really appreciate some advice.
My questions are:
- Have I overreacted and is their solution of using 'code words' appropriate?
- Are there other solutions you think they/I could try?
- How would you resolve this situation? I'm worried it's become a thing now and it's easier to just carry on then try and 'fix' it