First Christmas since separation – ex hasn’t seen kids in months, girlfriend contacted me, unsure what to do if he appears in December

[FirstChristmasAlone]

This will be my first Christmas since separating from my husband.
We have 2 children (9 and 7).

He had an affair and now lives with the woman he cheated on me with, in the house we used to share.

He has not progressed with our separation, which means I haven’t received any of the equity from the house yet.

He doesn’t pay child maintenance – CMS will start collecting directly from his wages in January because he hasn’t paid anything so far.

Over the summer he was seeing the kids, but in September and October he started cancelling constantly, often with only a few hours’ notice. It caused me problems at work because I was having to leave early to collect the kids.

At the end of October I told him I couldn’t cope with the constant cancellations and that it wasn’t fair on the children, as they kept being disappointed. I told him he needed to arrange a mediator. He hasn’t done this.

A few days ago his girlfriend messaged me on Facebook saying he was “broken” because he isn’t seeing the kids and “doesn’t know if he’ll get to see them for Christmas.” I was shocked she thought it was appropriate to contact me at all, especially with a profile picture of the two of them together. I told her not to contact me again.

He still hasn’t contacted me directly to ask to see the kids. No calls, no texts, no email, no mediator. I’m confused as to why he’s supposedly “broken” when he’s made zero effort.

For the last couple of years he has been drinking most evenings, and as she’s living with him I suspect he’s telling her he’s upset about not seeing the kids to justify his drinking, rather than admitting he’s been drinking heavily for years.

I have a feeling he might suddenly appear in December wanting to see them. I know I can’t stop him from seeing the kids, but I want to be prepared.

He would be driving, so he wouldn’t be drunk, but my concern is that he would be showing up for his sake, not the children’s – especially since he hasn’t bothered to ask about them at all.

The kids don’t bring him up themselves – not because they don’t love him, but because they’re used to him being inconsistent and not seeing them for weeks at a time.

So my question is:
If he suddenly shows up in December, what would you do?

• Let him in the house to see them?
• Be polite but explain that arrangements need to be made properly and consistently in the new year?
• Something else?

I’m just looking for advice from anyone who’s dealt with inconsistent ex-partners who suddenly want to be “Dad of the Year” right before Christmas.

I'd proactively email or message to say that any plans to see the children need to be made at least x time in advance (via a mediator if that's your boundary). And that you expect communication from him and not his girlfriend.

Thanks @PermanentlyExhaustedPigeonZZZ I really dont want to reach out to him at all. He's awful to me. He's treated me terribly for years and since he left me, he has been especially horrible. So im wanting to prepare for if/when he shows up or gets in contact.

Does he really need to come into the house? Can’t be take them out somewhere? If he shows up I would avoid causing a scene, allow him to see the children and hopefully they will enjoy it. Even if it is just for himself, hopefully they will at least get some positives from it. Be polite as you say and also tell him arrangements must be made properly!

I wouldn't be so sure that he won't be drink driving. His girlfriend's got in touch, which suggests that he's almost permanently pissed and wailing that it's all your fault.

I might be wrong about this, but I feel he would show up at around lunch time on 23rd or 24th He wont come too early (because he needs his hangover to settle) and cant come too late because that would interfere with his drinking and socialising schedule and I just dont see him contacting in any other way. Like i say - i might be wrong about that...so having a plan for if he does contact before hand is a good idea - so thank you @NET145

Any chance you could go away for Christmas? Either holiday or stay with family? Just don't be there that week?

I dont have any family and I had a look at some cottages to stay in but the cost over Christmas was so expensive and lots of them were wanting me to book out the entire week and I just wouldnt be able to afford it - but that would have been a really great idea, so thank you @BoyFTM645. - Maybe something for next year :)

I'd second the point that he does not need to be allowed in your house. So if he rocks up unannounced then you should have a pre prepared plan. So have a café or restaurant in mind and tell him he can take the kids there for pizza/cake or whatever. When he returns with the kids, then tell him that you are only allowing this as its Christmas and future contact he will need to arrange mediation and apply through the courts.

Thanks @Whyherewego this is going to sound ridiculous, but Im worried he will take them away with him. Im probably overthinking that, and he wouldn't be prepared with gifts from 'santa' so he wouldn't want to destroy Christmas for them - so im over thinking and thinking out loud.

x

My youngest two children's Dad was useless, drinking was his priority and was inconsistent with seeing them. At Christmas he obviously did want to see them but I always said when he steps up the rest of the year he could see them on Christmas day.
He had them on Boxing day for a few hours but I had to collect them as he would have had a drink!
It is not easy, mine are young adults now and they really don't have a relationship with him as he has never got to know them. Sad really but they just think he is weak 😔. No help to you but empathy 💕

You have been plenty helpful @Pinkladyapplepie thank you so much - and im so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sure you raised wonderful children without him x

Maybe it's time to start the divorce OP.

My ex is a bit like this, he would show u around Christmas, have a few months of consistency and then vanish again until next Christmas. I put a stop to it because it was fucking with the kids heads

You don't have to let him in, you do prob need to ask the kids what they want though.

Start the divorce, seriously.

I dread to think of the bullshit he is feeding his girlfriend. My DS wouldn't be going anywhere with a drunk. Drunks kill people.
I'd be more proactive. Get the divorce sorted yourself. Don't wait for him to do it. He won't.

Pop an airtag or similae tracker in the SC coats for peace of mind. That way if they don't go where you expect you can get to where they are quickly.

I live in Scotland so it takes a year to be divorced if he is agreeable - or 2 years if he isnt @gamerchick and so far - he has not been agreeable. Its not even like we have alot..just the house and a few debts, so its a really easy and straightforward seperation and divorce, but he refuses to engage with his solicitor, so im likley going to have to wait until the 2 years are up and the courts will then get involved :(

Yeah he will be telling her all sorts of lies but she had an affair with a married man - so i dont feel bad for her @Gettingbysomehow In a cruel way, I actually hope he wastes years of her life the same way he stole 15 years of mine. x

It’s a shame the children had to leave their home. And outrageous that you still don’t have anything from the sale of the house. (Or was he supposed to buy you out?)

Either way, to be on the safe side I would send a solicitor’s letter inviting him to offer a clear plan for seeing them (not at your home) before Christmas.

If you really are worried he might not return them then it would need to be supervised contact.

Given that he has been unpleasant and may be drunk at any point you need to be clear that he can only contact you via solicitors. No impromptu emails, texts, WhatsApps or phone calls.

Make sure you are out in 23rd and 24th then!

He was supposed to sell the house - but then changed his mind and now won't release the equity so im up to my eyeballs in solicitor fees trying to move this forward. Im not going to reach out to him @FourFiveEightNine I dont want to encourage him to move forward with mediation, but i do want to prepare myself for if/when he shows up or tries to see them again.

He isnt a great dad, but he isnt bad to the kids either. He lacks patience and he never does anything with them (unless with his girlfriend and then he pretends he is a great dad and he takes them to arcades and things, but before she moved in, the kids would just stay in the house playing iPads for the entire day)

I just want to mentally prepare myself so i dont end up getting upset, angry or making decisions that end up hurting the kids! :( x

OP, he's not going to try and pick them up from school or something is he? Do the school know everything?

He sounds a complete loser. Instead of actually being proactive to foster and nurture a positive relationship with his kids through healthy ways, he is just whining to his cheating partner. I bet he's spinning her a complete sob story. Hopefully she'll realise before long.

You are acting in a much more dignified way than I could in this situation - hope you and your kids have a lovely Xmas.

Its not quite as easy as that @JazzyBBBG weather conditions, money, not having anywhere to go with the kids for hours and hours and there are Christmas eve things the kids would like to do at home - so leaving just to avoid him possibly trying to see them isn't really an option.

And also - he is the kids dad. I'm trying to be balanced and fair and figure out what other people would do in the same situation regarding allowing him to see the kids or not, and learning about other peoples rationale behind those choices.

The school know everything (well they know the stuff they need to know) @DeedlessIndeed so he wont be able to collect them or take them from school. You are so kind, thank you so much for saying those things x

I know this isn't the point of your post but please file for divorce and a financial order! You need your equity from the house and any assets before he drinks it all.

Separated in the May and my ex would not agree to 'making appointments ' to see his 3 kids. But he never showed up when he promised he would either. No money no weekends, no sleepovers- sometimes a couple of hours after school 1 day a week and brought them back early if his team were playing. Drinking and football took priority until December came about when he made a big song and dance about having his kids for Christmas Day.That wasn't happening.We had many agitated phone calls. The time I said 'Kids are for life. Not just for Christmas', I thought his head was going to explode. Stick to your plan of arranging through a mediator. Start the divorce. When I explained to my lawyer what I wanted him to do... take his children every other weekend, holidays etc she very gently explained to me if he doesn't do that now he's probably never going to. A well needed reality check. She was very correct! It's 20+ years ago and all 3 are adults. Except the ex of course... still a toddler. They tolerate him once every 3 or 4 months and it's more than he deserves.

This - are there Christmas markets in nearby villages? You could plan day trips for the 23rd & 24th to ensure that you wouldn’t be at home from mid-morning to late afternoon. If you weren’t at home, how long do you think he’d wait?