What do you do when you know your marriage isn't happy, and know it never really will be?

[Happypill]

I have name changed for this, don't know why really, just needed the space I guess.

I know my marriage isn't a happy one. I know I am not my true self in it and I know that it isn't equal or mutually fulfilling. If the baby isn't waking me up at night it's thoughts of what is wrong with this relationship and knowing that what is wrong isn't solveable. DH refuses to talk about it, and to be honest we're both so exhausted with brining up two small children, lack of sleep and plans to move house that we just don't have the energy to do anything about it right now. Yet I know that things will never change and we are setting ourselves up for unhappiness in the future if we don't do something.

But what? I know that essentially there are things wrong that go so way back that they can't be righted. Like who we essentially are, like hurt from the past that I still feel, like anger that hasn't really been properly dealt with. We exist at one level as parents, doing a good job, but it does just feel like existing, not really living. I can just about remember how I used to feel and be before life was like this, and I am amazed at the difference then and now. But the worst thing is, I know I can never go back to being that happy, confident, self-assured person ever again.

So the question is, how does one proceed in an unhappy, but not essentially miserable or awful marriage?

Have you tried counselling?

What was is like before you had the children? If it wasn't good then, then I think you need to have a long hard think about whether it's worth staying in the relationship. If it's just got like this since having children, I'd say hang in there. Our children put a huge strain on our marriage but I feel as though we're now exiting the tunnel and are starting to reconnect again.

I suppose this is why talking things through is so very important - and not talking is so destructive (I can see this in my marriage).

But what can you do if they dont want to sit and talk about it?

Even though, as you say, your marriage isn't awful, there still must come a point where you say enough is enough and you would rather be happy on your own than unhappy with your dh.

There must be nothing worse than getting to old age and deeply regretting not getting out and finding a better life when you were younger.

Probably doesn't help alot

if one or both is unhappy then you need to address it sooner rather than later

the things you mention like moving and two small children shouldnt automatically be making you feel you cant cope or think or relate to your dh

They can become an excuse for not addressing issues which then just get worse and life starts to just slip away from you both

If moving is a choice rather than a necessity then I would shelve those plans as you need to concentrate on getting things back on an even keel for the whole family

If you arent happy you will feel a lot more tired and worn than if you are happy.

Maybe you are trying to do too much

You mention hurt from the past you either need to let it go or tackle it by talking before cosnigning it to the past. rthings fester especially if you are not happy or feel resentful unacknowledged etc

You can and should become confident happy individual again and yes that is possible even when you have young children...in fact we all deserve this

How to achieve it?

Well you have written the post

It isnt clear what problems you have identified as casuing your distress but it very much sounds like they are mutual or at least a barrier between you and dh

Some people find that counselling can make it possible to find the right balance and move onto a much better and happier place in their relationship. It sounds like that is what you need but tackle it now dont wait or procrastinate

I think, ultimately, if it is an unhappy marriage and you are both just existing, you both need to end the marriage and move on.

Life's too short to spend it unhappy. Seriously. It's not fair on either of you.

and i agree with omdb

it is better to end a marriage than prolong it when no one is happy

if you feel seep down in your heart that you are sure things ar ewrong then ther isnt much you can do to save things

I have been single for 2 weeks...we both finally acknowleged that we weren't in love with each other anymore, and that staying for the kids sake would not be fair on any of us.......it is a strange path of life to embark because i am not used to the lonelines.....yet, i qould much rather try and make a friendship out if the years we spent together than end up hating each other.
I say this a lot but we only get one shot at life and i'll be damned if im waking up in 20 years regretting staying with someone when my heart was truly not in it x
sorry for babbling and i hope this helps x

What is this that's wrong in your marriage and cannot ever be solved? Is this hurt from the past a result of something one of you did to the other? Is the anger related to your dp or something else?

If you are not sleeping at nights, how can it be great? Not sleeping is horrendous but that phase will pass eventually. And if you are in the middle of moving house that means tremendous additional stress on both of you. If the move is definite, wait till it's through and then approach dh. I think he may not be receptive now because there is just too much practical stuff that needs sorting.

Ask yourself this- are you confusing issues you have - anger , past relationships etc etc- whatever you mean- with the state of your marriage? There seems to be 2 separate threads to your unhappiness.

WHY can you not go back to being the happy confident person you were? What is stopping you?

If you are unhappy in yourself- as you say in the last paragraph, then you need to deal with that- by counselling or psychotherapy. When you are more self-aware you can then focus on your marriage. At the moment you seem to be lumping both problems into one, and calling it your marriage.

You can't expect another person, or a marriage to "fix" whatever baggage you already have.

Is it a good idea to try to over house when you have these doubts about your marriage? IS there any way you can put that on hold til you know what you really want?

Your post is very negative- you say you are convinced you can never be the person you want to be- can you say why? Why are you so certain?

Are you prepared to talk to someone in RL and get help?

Thank you for all your messages. The main reason I know my marriage isn't happy is because we just don't communicate at the deeper level that I would like. I also find that the two of us are very quick to get angry and snappy with the other person, and that I've become an angrier and snappier person with him (although that might partly be due to horrendous sleep deprivation as well). He finds emotions and expressing himself very very difficult, and he also makes it very hard for me to get close to him - for anyone to get close to him for that matter. For example he doesn't talk about his feelings, his thoughts, reflections on life, hopes and dreams, his childhood memories... It is very difficult to get a handle on who he really is sometimes.

The hurt is related to things we both did to one another. It is an old story, but I don't think fully resolved. I generally feel happy and fulfilled in myself, but he has a knack of making me feel somewhat worthless.

In relation to leaving - we have a toddler and a baby, and I just can't face that prospect right now. In relation to moving, yes, we do have to, and actually I think once the stressful part is over it will be a positive thing for us. At least I have to believe that.

You both need totalk- you need to get him to see that this is a make or break situation- IF that is what you are saying.

Counselling?

You can't change who he is, but HE can change his behaviour- even if he finds talking hard, adn God,most men do- he can learn to open up.

Maybe, even with 2 kids, you need to find time for yourselves- get out together even just once a month and talk?

happypill as girlnextdoor said, you can't change who he is, and neither can he. If you want to both stay together and there is still mutual love and respect in the relationship, then you need to just accept him for who he is, without any expectations (and the same goes for him to you). You also may just need to put the past behind you if the hurt is old and has been resolved.

The way I see it, you have three choices:

1.Stay together, but accept that this is going to require effort and commitment from both of you, in order to be able to live together happily and completely accepting of who the other person fundamentally is. Councelling would be the first step forward.

2. Accept that you two have grown apart and perhaps the relationship has run its course. LEave and start a new life where you can be happy (and plenty of us manage this with small children). There is no reason why it can't be an amicable split.

3. Stay together, but do nothing to improve things. The situation stays the same and you spend the rest of your life unhappy and so does your DH.

For me, option 1 is where I want to go. But it has to be where both of us work to go otherwise Option 2 will be the only solution. The question is how to tell him that when he fundamentally won't engage. HOW to tell him, how to do it without encountering defensiveness and anger which is what I have got in the past. I know we need counselling. It;'s just finding the time, space and energy to do it.

Happypill - I feel like I'm reading my own words in this thread. It's been a couple of years now - how are things? Have you managed to make it work or are you footloose and fancy free?