Is it an affair, How do I leave

[ImFeeling]

We’ve been married a long time. House and kids.
She has poor/doesn’t care for boundaries with a male friend. Their friendship has always teetered on inappropriate due to conversations had and the secrecy at times.

This friend is also an acquaintance of a friend so I know he has previously been in trouble at work due to sexual comments made to female colleagues and some dishonesty which just adds to my discomfort around their friendship. * *
We’ve discussed this many times and it is always the same “he is a friend”
I don’t believe she is a having an affair (maybe I’m being naive) however their relationship has eroded ours, their relationship needs to cease for ours to continue. But it won’t.
So I need to leave after Christmas. But how?
We need both our incomes to live. I can’t move miles away from the kids home or work. I can’t afford somewhere big enough to even have the kids stay over. Any advice?

Firstly affair or not if you have told her this makes you uncomfortable and she is still doing what she knows hurts you then she has lost respect for your relationship and it is over regardless of an affair.

Secondly why are you leaving? You have said this makes you uncomfortable and you have said it is coming between you and her so why not ask her to leave? She can move in for a while possibly with her male 'friend' if they are that close can't she? Why is the onus on you to leave?

You are not wrong.

We had a nice Christmas but I’m sure she is still talking to him, if not why hasn’t she told me? Would she tell me? Does she care?
A few bits planned with the kids then, unfortunately it’s time to leave.

Have you told her this friendship is potentially marriage ending? If she thinks you're serious about ending things, she may reconsider the friendship.

We’ve discussed how it affects me and damages our relationship numerous times. I’ve asked for an end to their relationship so ours can continue and heal. But there has been no change.

Id be pissed if if my husband expected me to end a good friendship as he’s jealous. Why should she ? So basically you don’t trust her ?

This. You can be close to more than one person

@millymollymoomoo I agree. It reads to me that there’s more to this apparent marriage breakdown than simply the DW not wanting to end a potentially innocent friendship. Begs the question, OP, are you looking for something to blame other than your desire to leave the relationship?

I don’t expect her to end a good friendship through jealousy. I would like an end to inappropriate one as it is damaging ours and eroding trust. She has many male friends but they don’t make sexual comments to her and she doesn’t keep those friendships a secret.
I don’t want to end this marriage at all and I’m not saying this is the only problem in our marriage. I am saying it’s a significant one.

If you’re at the point of being ready to leave over this, tell her that. But you have to mean it and be ready to follow through if she won’t give him up. If you want to save the marriage, you need to give her the opportunity to do so. Whether YABU to have a problem with her relationship with this man isn’t something anyone can judge from the outside. It’s clearly a dealbreaker for you.

i wouldn’t be allowing a partner to choose my friends.
Id dump you rather than my male friend because of this.

if you trust her it doesn't matter how much they chat each other up or whatever as you know shed never betray you. So you don’t trust her as you fear she may end up doing somethimg she shouldn’t.

Without trust youve got nothing. So maybe it would be best to split up.

I think in a way it's reassuring that this is the friend's personality to be smutty rather than especial sexual banter just with your wife. I think you both need to compromise for the family.

OP - to me you look extremely insecure and bordering on controlling. The "inappropriate" conversations - what specifically are you referring to? And his "reputation" for making comments to colleagues - is your other "evidence"?

Point is - there is nothing going on between you W and this guy. It feels like you think that the man in question - is flirty and attractive in ways you are not. So - you feel less than - and need your W to pump up your ego by - doing what exactly? Blocking a friend who is flirty? Explaining that her H is insecure and thinks the man is a threat?

If you want to leave - leave. Use this as an excuse, but in no way it is on her. It is not your W's job to prop up your non-existing self esteem. She is not doing anything wrong. There is nothing worse (and less attractive) than dealing with irrational jealousy driven by insecurity.

I think you are getting a hard time. If my husband was talking to a woman in a sexual way I would absolutely make him choose between the friendship and our marriage. Two of his best friends are women so sex of friend is not a problem to me but there most definitely appropriate boundaries and he doesn’t flirt with them.