Fifty years later, sliding doors - we are so wise in hindsight

[Salome61]

I do apologise for writing on a very old thread today.

I'm 68 and have now been widowed for 9 years. It would have been our 40ieth wedding anniversary in October. I have been trying to make a 'new future', nothing has worked yet. I have sold our family home and downsized.

I have two wonderful kids, a daughter aged 29 who is living with her partner in Canada for a year (I have her cat here while she is away), and my son who is 32 and expecting his first child in January. I think my new grandson will give my life purpose again.

I don't know what has triggered it, but I have found myself regularly thinking of my very first love, I was 19/20 when I met him in the 70's, he was 23. My home life was very unhappy with my divorced parents and I was adrift. I had a mad fling with him for about 4 years, lots of alcohol and losing my jobs due to being late involved, until he went abroad to work.

I found his address on the 192 website last night and it bought back a lot of feelings. Seems he is living with his son and a younger woman. He didn't treat me well, definitely didn't love me, but we had chemistry and great sex. I would have really liked to have been part of his family, I really liked his parents and his two sisters and brother.

I've thought about 'back then' all day, it has really unsettled me. I don't think I'd ever have been 'good enough' for him, he was always looking for more, if I went to a party with him his eyes were everywhere. I always felt I had to impress him. I remember not eating for a week so I had the money to invite and pay for him to go gliding with me - I worked at the BBC and they had a heavily subsidised club. I seem to remember regularly trying to find exciting things to do and paying for things.

So, after a day of thinking, I have to face the fact it was just very physical. He had a steady girlfriend, and cheated on her with me, and many other girls. He would take his girlfriend out for the evening then turn up on the flat roof outside my bedroom window at 1 am.

I was faithful to him but unfortunately he wasn't and I got chlamydia. I remember being at the Martha and Luke in Hammersmith and being sent to see a welfare officer - I hadn't realised how serious it was, I was very lucky.

I remember taking him to the airport when he went abroad to work and he said he'd write - he didn't. I rang him after about 6 weeks and he was very surprised (expensive long distance) and aloof on the phone - and he said his steady girlfriend had just been out there. He did write to me once but it was just newsy. I wish I'd kept it. When he returned, I found out he'd been writing regularly to the barmaid I worked with at our local wine bar, I always thought he'd come in to see me :( I also found out he'd become engaged to his steady girlfriend.

He hadn't been back in the UK for long when I heard that he had ended the engagement, and met a younger woman, and they had a son. The relationship didn't last, I think she left and married someone. I don't know if he is married.

I realised I'd been a fool chasing him around - and now know there is a name for it, 'limerence'. There was absolutely no future with him, the fact of the matter was he didn't want me as a life partner, just the occasional shag.

I met my husband who seemed to love me completely. I am so lucky to have two beautiful children.

I am looking forward to meeting my grandson in January and will be the best Grandma I can be, and focus on my grandson's future rather than my poor past choices :).

It sounds like you had a lucky escape from this man.

He sounds awful, but you can’t put an old head on young shoulders.

We all look back at what we should have done and we can be so hard on ourselves, when all we were doing was being young and surviving at the time.

I’m glad your DH loved you completely.

I married my equivalent and believe me it was not a good idea. My married life has been awful and my poor kids got a schmuck for a dad. Things may not have worked out how you’d ideally have liked but you have two kids doing well, a chance to make your life what you want and sound relatively unscathed. We always look back and think oh it could have been better but believe me, it could have been much worse!

Reminiscing can be lovely and it can also open old wounds. He rejected you, and many others by the sounds of it. What a player he was, with a big head no doubt.

Go make some new friends, find something for you, forget about this prick and thank your lucky stars for your husband.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful replies, memories have been flooding back since I wrote this.

I have just remembered going to Greece in 1981 to try to get over him, and he turned up on the beach, unbelievable. We spent all my money and I ended up in a hostel having to walk to the consulate every day for money which bought me a boiled egg. I remember the heel came off my shoe so I was barefoot. I was finally repatriated on the coach, it took a while as the 'Magic bus' didn't run as often in October. I didn't have a penny. We stopped at a cafe in Italy and someone told me to watch who had a cappuccino or soup, sometimes there would be some coffee left under the froth or half a roll in the soup bowl. They took my passport at Dover and a nice Dutch girl paid for my coach fare and bus fare back to Chiswick. I remember leaving her in my flat after cooking her breakfast my flatmate gave me, and going straight round to see him, so lucky my old Anglia started after three weeks away.

I should have said I met him because I needed to leave home, and moved into his flat. The attraction was pretty instant and I think we started our 'affair' very quickly, but it just got too difficult, if he bought his girlfriend back I had to hide in the bedroom.

I moved out and back in with my Mum again. He came to see me there and we were sitting in the front room when his girlfriend obviously saw his car, and she came into the garden and smashed the window. My poor Mum, I remember how upset she was. His girlfriend's Dad came and repaired it, he was very gruff and rude.

As you say I had a lucky escape, that poor girl.

What vivid memories OP.... You could write a book on the dangers and pitfalls of falling for a bad boy! He sounds an absolute horror but obviously a practised charmer with loads of cheek and sex appeal! You were so lucky that you eventually managed to free yourself from him and that you were happy with your lovely husband.
Memories can transport you back in an instant to those long ago times but can be bittersweet too.The future sounds exciting though with a new baby Grandson to look forward to, lots to enjoy and new memories to make.

I couldn't sleep last night and texted my friend who introduced me to him when I needed somewhere to live. I wondered if she thought perhaps the relationship went nowhere because I was from a bad family. My parents were divorced and it was a very unhappy time for me as my Mum thought I was after her 'new' boyfriends.

She thinks not - she thinks he was just a bad apple, and also thinks I had a lucky escape. Thanks for all your thoughts and comforting words.