32, long-term single and losing the will to keep trying

[charmingpony]

Hello ladies,

The title really captures it. I'm 32, have been single for a few years and have been very active on the apps over the past few months (I'd say a date a week). I've just come back from one tonight actually that was a non-starter.

I've had no success - lots of duds, a couple second dates, but then one made it clear he wasn't interested and the other said he had "no idea" what he wanted from life or a relationship lol.

Not to toot my own horn, but I have a fantastic career, am considered attractive, a buzzing social life, interests, good at making conversation etc. I have no trouble finding men to go on dates with me, but finding someone with whom to have a real committed relationship seems like a Herculean task. It's really getting me down because it just feels like it's never going to change.

I'm especially despondent because I have actually been putting in the effort, and doing so consistently. I would have thought I'd have something to show for it at this point, but no...

Are there any stories of women who were long-term single like me and thought it would never change, but then it did? Should I just give up the apps? I need hope out here.

XXX

Maybe take a break and return refreshed. You sound fantastic ... so enjoy what you have for a while ...

I think trying to meet people in a different way would be good for a while. Through interests/friends/work etc. Just to try a new tack, have a break from the apps.

What's the issue with all the first dates? Is it you not wanting to pursue? Or them? Any chance you need to be a bit more generous after the first date i.e. having a second date if you're not sure (only rejecting the ones who are clearly a no).

Thank you. I think I will take a break for a few weeks... I need to recharge.

One date a week is a lot for the apps. I think you need to be a bit more picky about who you go on dates with, spend a little more time chatting to see if they are even worth meeting.

You do sound great but you may not find a man for a relationship ,on the apps.They seemed to be used by men who either only want casual encounters or gold diggers or very immature men.
I agree to have a rest from looking for a while.Good luck .

I have actually seen two people from real life in the past few months - one friend of a friend, and another through work. They both didn't work out for legit reasons (one was uncaring/sexually aggressive and the other put in minimal effort - like not responding to me for days - so I ended both).

I am doing a lot of the rejecting - because i'm not prepared to tolerate minimal/no effort, a lack of connection, disrespect etc.. When I encounter this behaviour, I move on and keep looking. What's getting me down is that I've been plugging away at this for so long now and just can't believe it's so hard to find someone that meets my (very reasonable) bar.

it almost sounds like you are approaching dating with clipboard and a ticklist and are expecting everything to be perfect after one date rather than letting things develop

I'm really not doing this. I don't expect things to be perfect, but I'm not wasting time with men who aren't being respectful or where there is clearly zero connection from the outset.

I was in a very similar situation to you, single at 32, but not on dating apps. I was reasonably happy with my career and social life, I wasn’t looking for anyone. I met my now husband through work. I previously hadn’t given him any thought because he wasn’t my “type”. I reluctantly went out for an after work drink with him, and it was instant attraction when out of the workplace. We’ve just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Stop looking and maybe don’t rule anyone out, it will probably happen at the most unexpected time.

Perhaps try a real life dating agency?

I was long term single until a few days before my 34th birthday when I went out with a friend, not looking for anything other than a catch up and an laugh with her and then ended up meeting my soul mate. We’re now married with a child, it’s never too late.

Relying on apps alone is probably not the best strategy. I think a lot of people, both men and women, have increasingly been coming off them and trying other methods.

You say you have interests, is there one you could join a particular club or activity for? Sports clubs, book clubs, walking groups etc? Meeting in the wild is probably your better option.

I was in your situation about 10 years ago, in the early days of dating apps (although dating websites had been around for a while). Do you have a ton of filters set in terms of what you are looking for in a man? I suggest you reconsider your filters and don't get picky about stuff that really doesn't matter. When you meet the right person none of your criteria really matter. My partner didn't meet one of my main criteria (university educated) and it made me realise that wasn't actually very important. What was important was someone I could have an easy conversation with, was kind, funny, intelligent and game for doing the things I enjoy.

I feel your pain though. Lots of frogs to get the prince, it is hard work.