Am I over reacting?

[ForTealZebra]

I was washing my hands in the rest room and a woman who I new from years ago (more of an acquaintance than a friend) said to me that she had just had a go at my husband because he had a friend of ours sat on his lap dancing/grinding while i was in the bathroom and she didnt think that was acceptable, so i thanked her for telling me but i didnt bring it up with my husband till we were in the privacy of our home, im not one to be public with any marital issues. When I confronted my husband he admitted it happened but it wasn't his fault he didn't ask her to dance on his lap. I asked him would it be acceptable for me to dance on another mans lap and he said absolutely not because I would be the one initiating it, but he cant help it if another woman sits on his lap. I strongly disagree with that theory, in my eyes he should have said no and not let the woman grind on him. It resulted in a row and im the crazy jealous wife apparently. Am I over reacting? Advice please, thank you

Nope. He could have got her off him. Of course he could have got himself out of this scenario.

He chose not to.

And instead he’s presenting himself as the poor man, chosen by a sexually rapacious woman. It must be that he’s irresistibly attractive. Right?

What a prat.

And highly embarrassing for everyone.

Of course he could have rejected unwanted contact.

There have been times when I have been too stunned/ embarrassed to react to someone’s unexpected bad behaviour. Could that have been why he just sat there?

On the other hand, being stunned and embarrassed could have made him react by standing up. That would’ve got her off and might have even sat her on her arse.

Only you know if he would have been enjoying and encouraging it or just embarrassed and a bit stuck

If you go to that kind of place you need surely aware that sort of thing is likely to happen?

@ForTealZebra, you are absolutely not overreacting. Your H and your
so-called Friend were sharing a sexual experience in public. I would actually consider this a form of cheating.

He has agency over his body and space, and he should have enough respect for you (and himself) to have shut down that sleazy spectacle. He should have gently moved her off his lap and told her ‘No, this isn’t appropriate’, and then stood up to draw a firm line. Instead he allowed her to keep grinding on his lap — publicly humiliating you and making you an object of gossip and pity. By not taking immediate action to stop her sexual overture, he proved himself to be colluding and enjoying it. Good for your former acquaintance for reading him the riot act.

What is his history with this woman (who is not actually your friend)? Why was she confident that he would allow her seductive moves on his body?

I would be going nuclear, @ForTealZebra. He has shown massive disloyalty to you and your marriage. He is continuing to degrade you via his defensiveness, refusal to take responsibility for consenting to the grinding, and manipulative name-calling and blame-shifting. This is not the behavior of a man who loves, cherishes and respects you.

I’d be sending him away for a while so I could consider my options.

You’re not overreacting.

I’d be furious with DH and also cutting off the ‘friend’ in question

If the minute she saw you going to the washroom.she started giving your H a lap dance then I woukd assume she had some reason to expect him to be ok with this. I would assume there was some behaviour leading up to it or their relationship is more than just platonic friends.

… it wasn’t his fault.
… he can’t help it if another woman sits on his lap.
… I’m the crazy jealous wife apparently.

@ForTealZebra, I’ve been thinking about you today. How are things going now?

Your H is gaslighting you by playing the faux passive ‘I was helpless and had to let her rub herself on me’ card. You don’t have to tolerate this bullshit or his name-calling meant to make you shut up and back off.

I agree with pp that there’s been something simmering between them for her to make a bold move like this and know he’d welcome it. Has he previously crossed boundaries with other women? Does he routinely treat you with disrespect?

Hi, we had a long detailed talk today and I made it very clear I felt he had massively crossed the line and I felt humiliated and very hurt by his actions, he said he didnt see what's wrong with it it wasn't him who did wrong but noe he knows that I dont like other women sitting on his knee he will try to make sure it doesn't happen in future. I told him thays not good enough, I dont have to "try" not to sit on or have anyone sit on my knee and he should realise how it made me look and feel especially considering hes never wanted me to sit on his knee and weve been together 14yrs. I told him I felt betrayed and he said he had sorry and bought me flowers not sure sorry really solves the issue though. He has always been a very flirtatious person I new that when we married so i cant suddenly want him to change but having basically a lap dance wasn't normal flirtatious behaviour. We came to an agreement that we will work on things and talk more about feelings, I guess time will tell. Thank you for your concern and advice x

… he said he didn’t see what’s wrong with it it wasn’t him who did wrong but now he knows that I don’t like other women sitting on his knee he will try to make sure it doesn’t happen in future.

So he’s still clinging to ‘It’s her fault’ … ‘It wasn’t my responsibility to shut it down’. And he will try to make sure that females don’t park their bottoms on him??

@ForTealZebra/ @ForPinkGuide, kudos for expressing just how devastated and mortified you feel as a result of your H’s porous boundaries and callous public devaluation of you. You have now laid down cast-iron boundaries, but it is disturbing that you had to do so. It also doesn’t bode well that H wasn’t immediately remorseful or accountable.

His being ‘very flirtatious’ has not been harmless, as that pursuit of ego validation has led to this betrayal and threat to your marriage. You have discovered that, in his eyes, women (excluding you) sitting on his lap/knee is hunky-dory, as is their writhing and rubbing their crotches on him. Neither would be my or my H’s idea of monogamous behavior. Lap Dance Woman already knew that he’d welcome her raunchy moves, so this wasn’t the first time he was out acting like a single guy. If he was lapping up her sexual attention when you were on the premises, so much so that your acquaintance was appalled, what else has he been up to? Knowledge is power, so I would be investigating his phone.

I wouldn’t consider him to be a safe partner until he digs deep to examine the gratification he receives from flirting outside the marriage and from other women’s attention and flattery. You spelled out your expectations in no uncertain terms, so I hope he will strengthen his boundaries and work hard to restore your trust.