Violence in relationship

[notreallyhappening]

DH and I have been married for 13 years, together for 15 and have 2 dcs. We've always had a volatile relationship and the rows have become incrementally increasingly violent. I am as bad as him and have drawn blood from him in the past.
Last week though we seemed to have crossed a line, during a heated row he suddenly, out of the blue slapped me, hard, across the face. I was so shocked and was determined to slap him back. I tried to do so but he them thumped me, hard, in my eye. I was horrified. It was late at night and we were due to go on holiday with dcs at 4am the next morning. DH was remoresful, especially when I awoke with a black eye. We went on holiday but know we're back I don't know what to do. I'm finding it hard to forgive him. I know I could put in a complaint for assault but don't want to. I do still love him but don't trust him.
I feel unable to be intimate with him at all. I feel I should do something but what?

sorry, but, you need to leave him.

Your both as bad as each other. I know its bad that a man hits a woman but your hitting him too.

I think you need to go for councelling and anger management.

Your poor, scared children. This is a terrible situation for them (my parents had violent rows and it has scarred me) and I beg you to separate. You are very bad for each other. You might also consider counselling to think about why you think this behaviour was ever OK.

leave him.

i doubt the police would get involved personally if this was a fight rather than an assault,but whatever way you look at it you need to separate and get help for your problems.

I think you both need counselling. Either together or separately.

you need to leave or get him to leave not just for your sake but for the children.
bringing children up in violent relationships is wrong....you have acknowleged that you can be violent also......enough is enough get out of it now

you need to leave or get him to leave not just for your sake but for the children.
bringing children up in violent relationships is wrong....you have acknowleged that you can be violent also......enough is enough get out of it now

Agree with expat. It must be very hard and confusing time for you, but what if your lo's walked in and saw their dad hitting their mum? I don't want to be overly harsh, but if they see things like this I'd be worried about them growing up to think that it's ok to treat women like that.
I know this completely different but my x-boyfs dad had n affair and mum turmed blind eye and I wonder if him and his bro are like they are coz they think women don't deserve any respect?

Obviously didn't explain myself well enough.
Yes, we have violent rows but they are few and far between. Maybe 10 in a 15 year relationship? Between them is a happy, loving relationship with a loving father. We talked about splitting but neither of us wants to.
We both think we need to try counselling but oI can't get over this black eye, it's been a week now and I can still see it. I spent the holiday deciding what to tell them at work. I'm worried that now we've crossed this line what will happen next time we row, as most married couples do,

How can you ever feel safe with him again? I think you are really fooling yourself re the children, frankly.

He's a wonderful, hands on father with 10 times the patience that I have.
I saw on the Womens Aid website some info about registering the assault with the police Domestic violence Unit without bringing a prosecution. I looked on my local police's site but all I could find was info about not provoking your partner!
Like it's all the victims fault?
Can't see them being much use!

Don't listen to anybody's advice on this site, trust your instincts, only you know your man inside out and know your life. I would not post on this site for advice, never.

I see what you mean Salla, I think my thread title prejudiced people as it was overly dramatic and may have led people to have made theor minds up before reading it.
Dittany, unfortunately I am much bigger than dh but think few women could out fight a man which is why I now feel threatened.

you thread title is not overly dramatic. it factually describes the relationship you're in.... you sound (understandably) confused and ambivalent about what's happened.. worried / busy trying to minimise the seriousness of what happened.

I'm very confused, so name changed hoping that someone who may have experinced something similar might have been able to give me the benefit of their experience.

would you consider talking to women's aid (look at website for info).... get an outsider's perspective.... ?

Yes, I will.

let us know what happens / how you are won't you?? good luck.

your relationship is no good for either of you. you are both violant and that is no good for your children especially.
You need to seperate and BOTH take anger managment councelling.

Well done for admiting your role in what has happened but please be aware that no matter what you did, you did not deserve to be punched.

If you think it would be safe to do so you need to sit and discuss what happened and the fact that it is probably (deffinately) best for you both to split, and the practicalities of what that would involve.
If you don't feel that would be achievable without further violance or aggression then you must just leave.

You have specifically asked for someone with experaince to offer some advice (glad you have ignored Salla....is she some freako from another site or something?)
well as is well documented here i have experianced quite severe domestic abuse and am now happily free from my ex.

youworry about what will happen next time you row, i will give you a most probable case.
something silly will cause a row, you will both be discussing it and it will get heated, then you will get scared. you realise that you are not just discussing, your actually arguing. he is getting angry and you remember the black eye. he see's your fear and becomes even more angry that you are afraid of him. you get angry that your afraid of him so you pretend not to be. you shout louder trying to hide your fear.
he gets even more angry and WALLOP!

it soon becomes less anger and more fear.
shorter periods between the row's, quicker to the punch.
teh violance becomes more frequent and more aggressive.
All he will have learnt from this scenario is not to hit you in the face as it leaves a visible mark.

I know its not what you wanted to hear but i have 7 years experience im afraid.
The first few months i was convinced that although we argued quite aggressivly he would never ever hit me.
By the time i had left i had been kicked, punched, slapped, had knives held to my throat, screwdrivers thrown at me, raped, spat at, pulled around by my hair.....the list could go on for pages.

Please, for the sake of your children get the help that you both need now and seperate

Thanks Mamazon, I'm sorry to hear what you went through.
I didn't contact the police as I was so put off by their website which didn't mention any sort of DVU. I did take photos of my black eye though.
I have got the number for Relate which both DH and I think is a good idea. Neither of us wishes to separate but both need to change as a matter of urgency.
Thanks for your support.

Hope all goes well!