I’m so so lost

[Layla79]

I don’t know what to even say. Short version my DP walked out yesterday. I was begging for a break as I have had so much going in the last year, I just want a day off.
I have been Ill after DC was born almost 2 years ago, went back to work after 6 months Maternity leave as we needed the money, had PND, and PTSD from birth trauma. My Dad died, my best friend moved away and I have little contact. My DP had had a phone conversation (messages) with an ex when I was pregnant and though he was apologetic and I did believe him, it still upsets me at times, but I’m not allowed to mention it or he goes mad. He is gone now, refused to take our DC today. I called him and messaged 6 times in total and he called Police to report harassment. His parents agree with him always, so no point in calling them. My family are not around and my closest friend lives 3.5 hours away. I’m physically about to crash, I don’t feel bad mentally which is great, but it will affect me soon. I can’t eat or sleep properly as I’m always so wound up with stress and worry, and most of it is grief, but he says it’s been 10 weeks since my Dad passed so I need to be better by now. What do I do? I’m actually feeling so physically exhausted that I’m worried I’ll collapse and end up in hospital.

Hello, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I'm not sure I've much wisdom to offer but hopefully someone sensible will be along soon. Sending you a handhold

I always revert to planning when things are overwhelming. Your DP has shown they can't be relied on so no good looking for assistance there. Your friend, perhaps just pick up the phone for a chat? They may not be able to physically help but they can give emotional support. Then make a list of the things that are problematic, and then the things that would mitigate or fix the issues. See if any of these things are achievable. Can you get a babysitter for example, so you can get some rest?
Even if you are able to tackle only one or two things on the list it's still an improvement.
Also, consider what you can let go of, are you exhausted because you are doing too much? Stop doing things unless they directly affect the health and well-being of yourself and your little one?

Where are you based? Can you try contacting Home Start? There are people out there who can help, if you let us know which county you are in we can try and find it.

Your DH is an absolute fucking twat. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will be happier and cope better without him in the long run.

Can you talk to work? You can take some time off and get signed off for an extra week or two if you need a break.

Keep talking here and we will do all we can to support you. xx

So sorry you're going through such a tough time.

Would it be possible for your GP to sign you off from work due to exhaustion or similar? I'm not sure if that's possible or not? Maybe then you could just catch up with yourself.

Your ex isn't going to help you.

Thanks for your reply and yes I didn’t even think
of time of work or of any sort of support, I think I am that far through that I can’t think. I’m on the Donegal/Fermanagh so I will have a look both sides and see.

I am not familiar with your area, however maybe try Home Start. Get yourself a doctors appointment and talk things through. You aren't able to get any support via the maternity services now as your child is two but there are things - group therapies online, talking therapies, medication which can be temporary. I had two short rounds of sertraline. You're drowning and you just need to grab something to float whilst you sort things out. Take Monday off work, call in sick and get a GP appointment ASAP. Take your time, write things down, explain it all and see what they can offer. Try local services - maybe see if you can get someone round to help out around the house and take the pressure off. Can you visit your best friend for a long weekend with your little one? A friendly face, big cuddle and offloading your feelings may really help.

Well to me it sounds your best option here is to separate and at least then you’ll get a weekend off every couple of weeks. What a loser of a dad your h has turned out to be, I’m sorry you’ve been landed with such a dud. I was too and I stayed with him way too long running myself into the ground. Life became a lot easier without him. Also great advice from pp about taking time off and seeking support from local services. Drop everything that doesn’t need done essentially and sleep every minute your baby does. Good luck op.

summitfever thanks for your reply. Did you find he accepted taking your DC as arranged once you separated? He says that he can’t be forced to have a child he doesn’t have tome for at the moment

Are you sure you want to force your child to spend time with a man who doesn't want to? I know it seems really fucking hard, but I would consider not pushing this. Make sure you claim the money he owes you, but I am not sure it will benefit your child to spend time with a man who doesn't want to spend time with them.

How are you today?

I see you're in Ireland. I heard about this talking therapy org on the radio a while ago. I haven't used them, but maybe they'll be useful to you?

https://turn2me.ie/

Mine did yeah, he doesn’t now so I’m on my own with them but mine are older now. Realistically if he says he doesn’t want them and you’re on your own you’re technically no worse off since he’s useless. In fact one less thing to worry about you’d probably find your head is a lot clearer and less exhausted not having to deal with him on top of a child. It’s a tough gig but you’d get into your groove with it. You’d be so much happier whether he steps up or not. His parents would surely want contact so they could potentially give you a break.

Grief is a very odd thing, I think I was worse with it a few months afterwards than sooner, then it's more of a shock but a million things to do in the immediate aftermath.

I've never had any MH issues, always pretty upbeat, but it wasn't a pleasant time for me after my remaining parent died. Quite odd, parents get old & often ill & die, I'm middle aged not a kid, it shouldn't have hit so hard, still did.

Is a bereavement section on MN, is worth you having a read.

You obviously need some practical help if possible but I do wonder if you will feel a whole lot better without this awful man abusing you.

10 weeks is very early days. I am really sorry for your loss.

Did you lose touch with your friend just because she moved away?

One step at a time OP. Begin by getting signed off so you can get some rest, you have a valid reason. Look into bereavement counselling, it's very early days since you lost you dear father and grief is a strange emotion, it can really floor you and your DP is an idiot to say you should be over it already!
Give yourself a chance to breathe, then list your priorities. Also speak to your best friend for some emotional support.You will be OK, and tbh going forward you will be far better off without this pathetic excuse of a man dragging you down.