When an ex dies why does it feel so weird

[BG2015]

Split up with my ex of 6 years in 2013. We were never married. He struggled to get on with my two boys who were tweens/ early teens at the time of our separation and I eventually ended it because I needed to put my boys first. He had 2 girls of similar ages and all the kids loved each other and got on great.

After our split he was vile, vindictive and cruel. He met someone new within a few weeks and subsequently married her in 2017, they split in 2019.

Ive been with my current partner for 11 years, very happy and life has been good.

Ive kept in touch with my exes girls over the years, all the kids are in their 20's now and have turned out great.

I found out my ex died suddenly last month aged 61. His girls were/are devastated and I've been communicating with them much more. I've still got tons of holiday family photos of us all in my attic which I've said I will pass on to them.

The funeral was yesterday and after much consideration I decided not to go but did view a streamed video link.

I've dreamt about my ex quite a bit, he's been on my mind and I'm so sorry for his girls who he adored. I'm just surprised at my reaction really. I have no feelings for him whatsoever. I suppose it's normal.

It is normal, you spent a large part of your life with him and no matter how it ended with him, your relationship with his children continued, so you were still very connected to him.

It's ok to feel anything about it, it shows your care for the people who are upset by his death, and it finalises any connection the two of you had.

I’m in this position, it’s a weird situation and I’m trying to navigate it (children involved too) any wise words gratefully received

Focus on how shit he made your teen boys feels

focus on his cruelty post break up

that should ease things for you

It is very normal. My ex died in 2012 (41 years old). We were married and had a child together. She was 13 when he died. He was in another country from us. It messed up my head that he was gone, even though there had been no contact for around 10 years. I felt sad for my DD that she would never get to see him again. That maybe as adults they could have had a relationship. So don't beat yourself up over it.

Or maybe acknowledge the good times you had, how you got to know his girls. Recognise the sadness hurt and pain he caused you but if you can, forgive him for that. Sounds like he wasn’t at all a happy person but you thankfully went on to find happiness. Be grateful for that and acknowledge your own strength in leaving when you did.

Did you read how he behaved? Vile? Vindictive? Cruel?

I just feel for his girls who now don't have a dad, who will have no dad to walk them down the aisle and make a speech at their weddings and who won't get to see their dad become a grandad.

I believe he suffered with his mental health after his last marriage (it was his third ) broke down. He was a troubled man.

My sister in law summed it up, she said - "it is is sad, even though he was a wan*er".

Perhaps you are more sad for his girls, which is natural. Good that you're in their lives you sound kind.

How much have you been in contact with the girls since the split?

because I suspect that given how you describe this man, he was very very far from being father of the year to his daughters

@BG2015
I think your feelings are perfectly normal.

My dds df passed away suddenly at 50 a couple of years ago, found passed away in his bed.

He was the epitome of a deadbeat dad, in and out of dds life, didn't have any contact once for about 10yrs, when he was in contact he'd continually let her down.

He made the early days of being a parent very difficult for me, being awkward, not seeing dd but blaming me, no CM etc.

As years passed he and I were friendly-ish, he'd come for dinner and I gave him lifts, a lot of water under the bridge.

As an adult, dd reconnected with him, he moved back to our home town then was arrested and it was in the local paper, excruciating for DD as they have the same very unusual surname.

They fell out and he moved away then passed away.

I was more upset than dd, we were together from teenagers, I kept thinking about the (few) good times, the utter waste of his life (alcohol), his unexpected death at 50, all very sad and shocking.

I still think of him now.

Its very kind of you to support his dds

I think it's always hard when someone dies who you had a tricky relationship with (not necessarily an ex). Their death means that, finally, they're not going to make amends or apologise for their actions. Of course they probably wouldn't have anyway, but now they definitely won't. There's a sense of regret for how things were between you and how it could have been different. It's completely normal to feel upset and unsettled about it - as well as feeling sad for his DDs.

Im think it's normal, especially as he was young. There must be an element of shock in there. You will have had happy times and you must have seen some good in him. I guess there was a time you loved him?! I think it would be unusual not to feel anything. I expect it's very hard to actually know what to feel. But I expect you feel some form of grief.

Yes, I think it’s totally normal. You’re not grieving them but grieving when the relationship was good and the happy times you had (before it turned horrible). Also it’s natural to feel heavy hearted for his daughters who have lost their dad so early.