How would you save this marriage, or would you even bother?

[Bananatoastie1]

I've been with DH for 20 years, married for 15 of those years we have 2 DC 18 and 16. I was 18 when we started dating he was my first proper boyfriend. We've had our up and downs in life but we have always pulled through. I feel as though the marriage is very one sided though.
I do everything for him and the kids. We dont really spend any time together he spends alot of time on his phone with winds me up. He likes his horse racing and is always checking races throughout the day during the weekend. I get that we all need hobbies but he will do this when we are out together walking or going for lunch his head is constantly in his phone. He also spends a lot of time sleeping, leaving me to do all the housework and wont get involved with any decorating, DIY etc literally everything in the house is done by me. Over the years I have drifted from my friends so I feel like he is all I have. He isnt isn't interested in anything I like, even things like the TV shows I like I feel the need to hide from him as he'll ask me what im watching so I'll tell him, and he'll just say something like "oh that crap again" it just makes me feel like anything i like is stupid and my opinion is not valid.
I know everything i have said seems bad but I truly love this man, he's kind to me and we can have a laugh sometimes, I just wish he could be more adventurous, it's like he has given up trying. Even just things like making me dinner, he wouldn't do. If we've been out for the day he will sleep while I cook and then I have to wake him to eat! It drives me crazy. I love him so much I just want him to be happy, but my life is miserable, boring and I have nobody to talk to.

Sounds a lot like my marriage. I was miserable, he would never have changed so I left. We’re both happier now. Best thing I ever did. Do you want to live like this for another 40 years?

Sounds like you are being taken for granted. Maybe make yourself less available and reconnect with your own hobbies, friends etc. Be out at tea time for instance and leave a cheery note that the rest of them can sort out their own meal. Could mention a Bolognese is in fridge/freezer and they just need to do the pasta so it's a more gradual withdrawal from being waited on completely.

If he kicks off then it raises a conversation about roles and expectations going forward as kids are older. Best outcome, he does but if he doesn't and won't change then definitely get out.

At 16 and 18 why are you doing everything for DC? Start meeting your friends OP.

Get out! You have another 40 years ahead of you at least enjoy them! He sounds just plain miserable and unwilling to engage and very happy with the cushy life you’re providing, start doing stuff for you! Stop doing everything for him. Oh sorry love you were asleep didn’t think you wanted dinner! Etc etc.

You need to get a friendship circle established so you're not reliant on him so much. Join some groups locally - walking, running, swimming, reading - have a look on your library or community centre noticeboard. Do you work? Can you socialise with work mates once a week? Form a pub quiz team for example, that can be a lot of fun. Stop doing everything and don't be around for every single meal time so that he and the children have to manage for themselves.

I think you only “love him so much” because you don’t know any better. He’s your safe person and safe life.

You both sound pretty unhappy.

Do you work? I think you need friends and hobbies

He will never change OP, why should he when you facilitate him? I am struggling to understand why you love him so much when he appears to be a passenger in your marriage and you are left feeling bored and miserable. How does he enhance your life, I assume he has a job?
It sounds like you are having to do everything anyway whilst he doesn't lift a finger in the home. Stop being a doormat for your kids and for him, consider getting some interests of your own so you are not always so available to be at everyone's beck and call.

You say he's kind to you but don't describe any kindness. In what ways do you think he's kind?

I agree with this. There wasn't one thing in the your post that made me think he is kind to you OP.

And as for him saying “that crap again” when he watches horse racing
Does he gamble? That would actually be my biggest dealbreaker

We both work full, although I have only been full time for the last few years, I always worked around his working hours so I could look after the kids when they were younger. I've always been there to do everything for everyone and I do think they take me for granted. He is kind in a way that if im unwell he will look after me etc and he's a great dad too

A great dad? He does absolutely nothing, he leeches from your labour, gambles, and is a misogynist.
There's nothing loveable about him by the sounds of it, look up some self esteem classes online and plan a blissful, joyous future for yourself.

Stop doing everything for the three capable people in your house.
(What specific things is he doing to save the marriage?)

So basically you took over from his mum back then.

He has to want to do these things with you, and it sounds like you have voiced this with him many a time. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink it. Also, looking for horse race results all of the time is not a hobby, its an addiction.
He is quite comfortable with the setup so why should he change it?
He has everything done for him and blimey that must be so comfy.

Lets say you decided enough was enough, there would be no change in your day to day life, nothing would be disrupted apart from not seeing your DH, nor would you need to take care of his needs.

For him on the other hand, his whole cushy life would be up side down. He would have to do these things for himself, aka, clean, cook, and he would realise the huge value that comes with you. I dont think you will change this as you are riding solo in your marriage already and have been doing for a while now, as harsh as that sounds.

I’m not going to advise you either way, as only you can decide if it’s enough to make you walk away.

However, I would strongly advise you to build your own life - friends, hobbies, activities, acquaintances. I have chosen to stay in my relationship but I have a huge world beyond my home life and that works for me. As I’ve built this, sometimes he will even come along so we’ve found occasional shared interest.

No,not by any stretch of imagination is he kind to you. He's treating you as a servant. How can you put up with him i wonder?