Long years in marriage fade the passion/love?

[SunandRain101]

Been married 14 years.
Husband - great, amazing even...however.
After 14 years in marriage there isn't a single day where i feel like shouting from rooftops "I love you"
Im greatfull, satisfied and i appreciate him, he is the best man i could possibly imagine and better.
Its just that there isn't the spark, the excitement etc.
So my question would be...
Do long years in marriage just does that to a couple?
Things fade, interest fade, excitement fades, love isn't the love anymore but more of "were used to be together"
We both aren't unhappy, intimacy is there, 100% trust etc.
Its just the longer the years...the colder we get to each other.
I dont want to grow old and grumpy because i miss love and quirky attention.
I want to grow old with the old bastard but happy and excited all the way.

Thanks for reading

What do you do to keep the sexual spark alive? What does he do?

Maybe get some counselling.

Do you spend time just the 2 of you? Dates? Regular sex?

Obviously excitement fades in LTR but it's usually compensated by growing love. Maybe your expectations are off. I wouldn't shout my love for DH from the rooftops but know I've got something special there that could not be replaced because of how it's built over a long time.

Do you have DC? It changes as your life changes. So when the DC leave and you get to do days out and holidays with just you, it builds again. Then it changes at retirement when you are potentially together aallllll the time.

For me, and we aren’t the best advert, it’s now more about being family. No passion, no romance, but total loyalty and shared benefit. Family.

The excitement and giddiness at the beginning of a relationship is a hormonal thing. It can't last forever but once it fades you are left with the deeper love and trust. This is what you build a life on.

DH and I have been together for ages (28 years). I agree that excitement fades and our sex life isn't what it used to be, but you should still care deeply about him and feel that he is interested in your thoughts and feelings. When you go out for dinner together or similar, do you have a nice evening, chatting and getting on well? Are you generally kind and supportive to each other? These things should endure when the initial excitement and romance has faded. If you are losing them, it's time for a conversation about how you can get them back. Do you have kids?

You genuinely have to work at it. I am always baffled by people who think you shouldn't have to. We have to work at anything that we want to stay good over the decades - our health, our homes, our careers. The same is true of relationships - with family, friends, children and spouses.

If you still really appreciate your DH, which you seem to, I can almost promise you that you will fall back in love with him at some point, and it will take you by surprise when you do.

I'd start by doing small everyday things and planning some fun together. The every day things should foster closeness - maybe play music after work or in the mornings, that you used to love when you were first together. Or do things you used to love doing together - go to see a band or comedian you both love, live. If you used to go skating or hiking or bowling, do that. But also do new things together. Create some achievable small projects that will make you feel good - DH and I have done things like climb UK's highest peaks together (with DC); we went on a carpentry course and built some shelving for the house (without DC!) Discuss and plan for a really exciting family holiday and each agree two or three highlights you want to experience, then book them for each other. Take turns to organise a date for each other. Maybe join a local campaign and work to help achieve it. Or both sign up for a fitness challenge.

Have a chat about niggles and coldness, and agree to be warmer and kinder and sillier together so that indifference and disrespect don't set in. Say nice things about each other to the children, within each other's hearing - Daddy's got a lovely singing voice, hasn't he? Mum is great dancer etc. Notice how each other are looking and give compliments often. It might seem performative and false at first but after a while, it becomes second nature.

Over the years a lot of people have commented how polite DH and I are to each other. Always thanking each other for small things or checking if the other person is happy with something. But I see it more as considerate than polite.

Keep conversation alive so it doesn't descend into basic practical stuff about the children and house. Share weird stories from the newspapers, ask each other's opinion on political stories or local news issues. Make each other laugh.

"Spark" and "excitement"? No. I've been with DH for 25 years, and the love is deep and enduring, not shallow and sparkly. It's like the difference between a couple of candles and the quiet red heat of a coal fire. It looks a lot less showy, but it lasts, warms you right through.

I love him and trust him with everything that I am. We laugh about the same nonsense, we enjoy each other's company. I don't think it was exciting after the first year or so, but it has always been joyful. Even when my mental health was shot to pieces by postnatal depression - we endured it together, and came out the other side with that foundation as strong as ever.

I don't recognise this at all: "the longer the years...the colder we get to each other."

14 years isn’t a long time married imo.

14 years is a pretty long time to be doing anything! Almost long enough to have raised a whole child.
Long lasting relationships are generally not full of dramatic passion and sparks. Wild emotion tends not to be conducive to lasting happiness.
I am lucky enough to be surrounded by many long lasting marriages- 40 years plus. I know some of them very well. They have calm and contentment, they laugh together all the time, they have 100% trust. They love each others company and are there for each other always. They have been through difficult times and endured together. A lifetime marriage has to outlive physical ‘passion’.

They love each others company and are there for each other always.
@Smartiepants79

That's the key thing. Your spouse is your best friend in all the world, you're supposed to enjoy the time you spend with them. Most of the time, anyway, of course arguments and grumpiness happen too.

But that’s what I mean. I would expect the things the OP feels her marriage is missing to set in a lot longer than 14 years. I too have friends who’ve been married for 40 plus years. That’s a long marriage to me, but I suppose it’s relative.