Difficult time in sibling relationship. Where do we go from here?

[feelingadrift1]

Hoping I can ask for advice here and sound some things out.

My baby is a year old, and in the first year of his life, I’ve had a difficult time emotionally. Never with DS, but with the usual identity changes that come with becoming a parent. I had a really poor experience of my own mum when I was growing up, for which I’ve been in therapy on and off for years. She continues to be volatile and behaved horribly during my pregnancy, but now wants to be a doting grandma.

The experience of being poorly mothered and now becoming a mum myself has been really challenging. My issue is that I’ve leaned too much on my DSis in getting things off my chest about it, and she’s told me that she doesn’t want to be a sounding board for this any more, or for all of the negative things in my life.

I feel so incredibly guilty that I’ve treated her like this. I think I felt that nobody else understands what it was like to grow up with our mum, in our particular kind of dysfunction. Nobody else really ‘gets’ it. But we seem to disagree on what to do about mum now - I’m getting to the end of my tether now and need more distance from her, whereas my sister is more like my dad in that she’s willing to keep the peace.

What do I do now? I’m going back to counselling, which I was planning to do already, but I feel at a bit of a loss. I’ve let her down as a sister because the flow went much more one way than the other, but I also feel like I’m losing this link with her if we can’t talk about our parents and childhood. And I guess I feel lonelier than ever with one fewer person to talk to about the absolute head-fuck that is coming to terms with your own difficult childhood at the same time as trying to break the cycle for your own child.

If anyone can advise, I’d be really grateful. I really don’t want to paint myself as a victim, I know I should have done better.

I can relate to your situation, but from the sister’s perspective. You still have that deep relationship, she just likely wants to focus on the present and future over the troubles of the past. It can feel more harmful to rehash the same issues over and over, kind of retraumatising ? If you’ve actively tried to move past it, having it brought up over and over is draining.

This is not your fault at all. You’re only just learning to navigate these feelings as a new mum and her boundary is new. Don’t feel guilty about that, but use it to shift your behaviour.

Re you wanting more distance, my sister is the same. You are allowed to navigate that relationship differently to your sister, and she is allowed to do the same. You can distance yourself without affecting how she interacts with your mum.

You’re trying to process your past and navigate the feelings that come with becoming a parent while having a volatile parent. That’s a lot, but is something to work through in therapy rather than with your sister (unless talking about a situation in the present). You still have that deep bond with your sister, but that relationship is far more than the bad things that happened to you both and it’s time to rediscover those other parts of your relationship.

Thank you, this is so helpful. I feel so disappointed in myself, normally I try so hard to see things from others’ points of view. Thank you for sharing this x

@Bestenjoy She said she hoped it would stop without her having to say anything. I wouldn’t call it letting rip. My partner has been good at listening and being supportive over the last few months but doesn’t have the same experience of my mum as I do, and it’s hard to explain the impact her behaviour has had (and still has) on us.

From what you’ve said I wonder if your guilt is perhaps being exaggerated by your low mood? I don’t think offloading to your sister was wrong or misplaced. She has drawn a boundary now, which you intend to respect. Absolutely nothing you’ve said here makes me think you are unreasonable. The relationship may shift slightly (which it would arguably do anyway once kids come along), but you’ll adapt and adjust. I think things are maybe a bit raw right now, but it will ease.

Therapy is a great forum for working through things you don’t want to burden or bore your friends or family with.

Thank you, this is all really wise and reassuring. @forgivingfiggy I think the low mood is impacting it definitely, and vice versa. I think I’ve been working so hard to build self awareness and to be a better parent than I had, and my sister’s boundary feels a bit confronting in the sense that I feel now that I’ve been awful and hurtful to her, which was never my intention. But I do have an issue with ‘feeling like I’m in trouble’ (guess why), which is probably also niggling at me here. Thank you for the insight x

Apologise, and book in something fun with your sister in which you focus on you and her and the present.

Book yourself some therapy.

Lower the contact from your mum in as calm a way as you can. Just be busy. Stay upbeat to her. See friends (especially other new mums!) and your husband’s family.

You have to save it for therapy. You've been using your sister as an outlet to dump your feelings on to and she's asked you to stop. You have to respect her boundary.

Go low contact with your mom. You need physical and emotional distance from her to work through complicated issues.