Am I Overreacting?

[YellowGuido]

Just got home from an evening out.

Had a nice time, then BF drove us home.

Along the way, there was a merge lanes situation, and the car to our left misjudged the space and we had a very near miss, with BF having to brake hard to avoid a collision (other car made no acknowledgment or hand gesture, etc. in apology, just drove on)

BF got very angry very quickly and took it upon himself to floor his car after the other driver, eventually braking very hard to avoid hitting their rear. I was loudly asking him to calm himself and slow down, but he wouldn’t listen.

Other driver turned off at the next junction and we carried on, though BF was still driving quickly for a while afterwards.

I feel really cross and concerned with his behaviour, as I feel it was thoughtless and reckless - especially with me and my adult son in the car. It doesn’t model the sort of behaviour I want my son to display when driving, and I’m upset that his annoyance overtook his sense of wanting to keep me and my son safe.

My ex used to drive very aggressively and recklessly when I had supposedly done something to ‘displease’ him - but he was abusive generally, whereas BF is not.

Am I overreacting, possibly having been triggered over my ex’s behaviour?

Not sure how to feel…

No I don’t think you are, his driving sounds very aggressive and dangerous.

Have you witnessed this reaction when he’s been driving previously?

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I wouldn’t be his passenger again, and I’d be very clear about why.

You are absolutely not overreacting, that's appalling behaviour. If he can't control his temper he shouldn't be behind the wheel. We all get annoyed with other people's driving, but we mutter some choice words under our breath and let it go. His actions put your life and your son's life in danger and that's completely unacceptable. I'd be telling him that unless he reflects and changes then you won't be getting in a car with him again.

Not overreacting - CBT can help manage reactions like this but he needs to acknowledge it's unacceptable so you should speak with him.

I also would not be happy with that kind of dangerous driving and his anger would be a real concern for me

My son went through a period of extreme stress and was receiving medication and help from the GP. But honestly at that time I hated being a passenger in his car because sometimes he became so stressed over what other road users were doing and he drove quite aggresively at times. And it was really frightening to be in the car with him at that time. He is now fully recovered and is a safe driver again thank goodness.

So no OP you are definately not over reacting. It sounds like a horrible experience.

This would be so much larger than being in the car with him for me. His temper altogether sounds scary. He’s capable of losing his cool in a serious way.

"But he was abusive generally, whereas BF is not."

It's very common for someone who comes out of an abusive relationship to feel their next boyfriend is not abusive because their abuse takes different forms.

I imagine that's what's happening in this case. You aren't seeing things clearly because he's not hurting you in the same way that your ex did. It doesn't mean he's any good for you, though. I think you should go and talk this through with a counsellor, and take a good long break from dating.

You are not overreacting OP. Regardless of your exes reckless driving this was totally unacceptable and dangerous behaviour from your bf, very frightening for you and your son as you had no control and bf ignored your repeated requests to slow down. I would not be a passenger in his car again and would make it very clear why.

Just because he is not as overly abusive as your ex, doesn't mean he's not abusive.

Your frame of reference is off. Just because he's not as bad as your ex, doesn't mean he's good.

You have every right to be upset and to consider this a deal-breaker. I would too.

Bloody hell. I have a tendency to get annoyed with other drivers, and am always a bit embarassed as I get annoyed and have been known to shake my head, gesticulate wildly (no rude gestures though) or shout, "Fucks sake" which they may or may not be able to see.

I've never chased a car down for poor driving. that's INSANE

No. You aren’t overreacting.

No. It was a dangerous thing to do and he had no thought for his passengers.
I would not get in the car with him again after this.

No, not over reacting at all. I’d also refuse to be a passenger in his car again. I don’t think this will be an isolated thing either. Scaring people with your driving is abusive and if it hasn’t yet, his attitude will show itself in other ways. Also he doesn’t know what was going on with that other driver, it could have been a momentary lapse of judgement or they could have suffered some sort of sudden health issue. You cannot expect everyone to be perfect at all times or even to act as you would at all times. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s not his job to act as judge and executioner by driving in a dangerous scary way to “punish” them. What if his brakes had unexpectedly failed, then there could have been fatalities.

I’m sorry that you’ve suffered through an abusive relationship, and it seems like your judgment may be skewed as a result.

Let’s be clear; a man who knowingly and willingly puts yours and your child’s life at risk is a BAD man. He may not be as bad as your previous partner, but he is bad.

If you won’t protect yourself, please protect your child and get this man out of your lives.

Pretty much why I try and drive 99% of the time. My partner acts like a twat in the car and my father was exactly the same. Anecdotally I would say it seems to be testosterone driven but I’m sure someone will be quick to tell me NAMALT.