TW Abuse

[LittlePurpleTeapot]

I'm wasn't sure where else to put this. I haven't told a living soul this but I have to tell someone because it's really weighing on me and I know there's nothing I can do about it.

I am a regular poster but due to the nature of this post I've namechanged.

I'm in my 50s now but all my life I've had little flashbacks of memories from when I was very little and didn't know what they meant. I just assumed they were memories.
I've had realisations over the past six months though that what some of these memories meant was that I was sexually abused by the son of a family friend and two family members. I saw a photo of the family friend and it kind of jolted me into realising.
I thought I was doing ok in processing it but I'm starting to feel depressed.

The worst bit is that last year I remembered being touched by a man when I was about three. My parents must have had a party and I was in my bed and this man I don't know put his hand down my knickers. I broke down and told DH this and he was so lovely and supportive. I thought I was doing ok.

But I just can't tell him this on top of everything else. I couldn't bear for him to see me as the mess I so clearly am. It would feel like they had 'won' for want of a better word.

Is it possible to get over something like this if I don't tell anyone else? Has anyone been through someone similar and just got through it without it fucking up your life? I just want to get on with my life and I don't know why I've suddenly 'remembered' what happened.

I could never tell my Mum (my Dad passed away a couple of years ago). She would blame herself and i couldn't live with that.
These family members are on her side and still alive. The fall out would be catastrophic.

Sorry if this is jumbled. I just needed to tell someone. I've had counselling in the past for various things (OCD, insecurity, low self esteem)

I just want to feel better and for it to go away.

And if you take the time to read this, thank you. I'm sorry for putting this on you, I just needed to tell someone, without telling anyone if that makes sense. 💐

So horrible realising things. Horrible.

Therapy could help. Writing about it. Acknowledging it is important. To yourself by writing or talking to the only person you can trust ever sadly to keep it confidential - a therapist.

I would not want to be in the company of these people ever again. It's damaging to your body and psyche I believe. Do you have situations where you feel you can't avoid seeing them? Family gatherings for example.

What happened to you was not your fault in any way. You have taken a small but significant step in writing about this on here and that action is to be commended. Abuse thrives on secrecy , time to bust this wide open now.

I would contact NAPAC as they could be very helpful to you.

Thank you. think writing it would be a good move for me, although I'd be terrified someone might find it. I thought I was doing ok with realising what these little flashbacks meant. But I feel like I've got a lead weight in my chest.

I don't have to see them normally but might see them at family funerals etc. The family friend I will never clap eyes on again thank fully. The worst thing though is there is a photo of him with me on his lap in my parents house. That might have to go missing I think.
My DH keeps asking me what's wrong and I can't ever tell him. It would change how he sees me.

Thank you for saying that. I'd never heard of NAPAC but I've had a look at their website and they have a helpline. I might call that but I am so scared that if I start to talk in 'real life' about it that I will just unravel completely.
There is still so much my mind has buried and I don't know if I can face what's buried.

I like what @AttilaTheMeerkat has said. I believe and am living proof that repression of awful things will eventually come out somehow. I believe my very unwell body demonstrates this for me.

I write shocking things in a diary. These are acceptable and natural expressions of rage and the dark side of me. Someone reading it could use against.me and probably think wtf. I however know it's ok and it's ' normal ' and healthy and therapy helps me know this. I write about extreme rage and hatred and wanting to hurt those who hurt me so terribly. Or wanting them to be hurt. I'm more inclined towards empathy and compassion and accept these feelings are typical when you start realising and then exploring so much hurt and trauma inflicted upon you and your gentle nature at your most vulnerable.

What I do is rip out and tear up every page. There's no remaining evidence. It helps process and get it out.

I would consider starting talk about it with a professional. A woman definitely preferable and I believe it will eventually help. You don't have to tell your mum. I have 'disappeared' many photos and even cut through heads of said photos saying how much I hate them. And yes that's absolutely healthy. Just do it privately. x

@Evergreen505 I really appreciate both your responses. I am so deeply sorry you've been going through this too. Do you think it's 'normal' for a person to suddenly remember something from so long ago? I've been feeling like I'm losing my mind, like why didn't I remember this before? Why now? I have had health issues maybe that's why. What you say makes so much sense.

Part of me thinks it's because my mind thinks I can handle remembering now but there's also a part of me that just never wants to think about it again.
Except I am carrying around this weight and can feel myself sinking. There's a lot I haven't 'remembered' if that makes sense, but I just 'know'. Like a weird deep knowing. And I am so scared in case I remember those bits, I'd love to scrub them from my mind.
I will get a journal tomorrow and start writing it out. So many things are clicking into place, I was promiscuous when I was younger and now I just wonder if that's why. And my low self esteem, even my OCD and ROCD. God it's all just so shit.
You sound so brave and lovely. I will consider a therapist but I've not had great experiences to be honest and there's the thing of if I speak about it out loud then it starts becoming real and i don't know if I can handle that.
xx

I learnt that there are things I've always known, you just learn to block them and keep them in the subconscious. So for me there were fleeting thoughts that stayed in a mental cupboard. Gradually things became so difficult that I actually really thought about it and said it out loud to a therapist also screaming as I said it.

After that it all came flooding out ( therapy only and in diary that I ripped up after). Therapy is so tough because it can be very hard to face truth. Kids have got to repress alot to psychologically survive.

I feel so so many girls have had awful experiences that they have put in a cupboard. Accepting the dark reality of human nature is quite something to do and takes alot so I think you're doing great.

I don't know how this would be having a husband. I feel your vulnerability there and hope with professional help ( someone you like and click with) you can start processing. Then think about what if anything you want to share when you are ready. You don't have to cover up or keep silent for anyone any more. I met a few therapists who felt useless. I like mine so much because I know she has lived difficulties that I have. I found her myself looking online and pay.

I love writing out all my rantings and anger and laughing thinking what anyone who saw that would think 😆. I mean the language is toe curling.

So sorry you have had to endure so much crap. It's not you. It never was you. I imagine you're a person inclined to be compassionate and full of empathy, which makes this all painful to process.

It's actually ok to tell your husband the truth with limits at this stage - you could say....

' I'm remembering some horrible things that happened when I was young and it's a bit upsetting to process. I really need time to just think through it and process it and really appreciate your understanding that. It's nothing to do with you. I love you very much'

If someone said the above to me. I'd feel reassured but absolutely want to respect what they asked 🙏

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this, OP. I’m afraid it’s definitely possible for memories to come back years after past abuse.

I have been through this myself, though in my case it involved my DSis as well as me. We both had traumatic repressed memories of CSA, which came back to us when we had young DC. This all started 12 years ago. (Although in my case I’d had images in my head for years which I couldn’t place. These turned out to be flashbacks of my abuse.)

I can say that it was a traumatic time which was made far worse by the awful realisation that our F had also sexually abused us, as well as other men. He was long dead and the memories of what he had done had been buried for years. Although I remembered that as an adult he’d made my skin crawl when he was near me.

We did involve the police, but in the end there was only one person who could have been charged. This was our brother, who was a very vulnerable adult and who had also been a victim. It was decided that there was no public interest in pursuing him and we ourselves chose not to press charges.

I can really recommend therapy, OP, it’s made such a difference to me. Particularly EMDR; after having that, the flashbacks completely stopped though I still suffer from other PTSD symptoms. Please think about it.

It might well cause pain to your family and that will be hard for you. Our abuse has caused so much pain to our DM, which I do really regret. She still gets upset if the subject comes up. (She genuinely had no idea of what was going on.)

@Evergreen505 Thank you for confirming to me that this isn't just me going mad. Although I feel like I am at the moment. I'm so glad you're working through it all and it sounds like you writing it all out is really therapeutic for you. I'm going to do the same. I will consider finding a therapist, although like you, I've had some rubbish ones in the past who just made me feel worse.
I think this has impacted me in ways throughout my life that I just never realised before (poor self esteem, being a people pleaser) and I don't even know who I am or could have been if this hadn't happened.
You have been so kind and helpful and considered in your replies, they've really helped.
I think my DH would struggle to cope with this on top of what I told him about the man who came into my room when I was three. I just don't think he could cope with it. And he wouldn't be able to help himself in dealing with the family members and that would be another thing for me to deal with. It would be out of my hands then in terms of what other people knew and I don't want to face that.

I suppose this is how abusers get away with it but I can't mentally cope with the fallout and managing other people's reactions to it.

@LizzieW1969 I'm so sorry you've been through this too. Your words are a real comfort to me in explaining why this has happened. I feel gutted that the snippets of what I thought were benign childhood memories were actually little shards of memories of abuse and I feel like I was robbed of my childhood because of it.
You are so brave to face what you did head on and tell the police. I can't imagine what guts that took to do.
I will look into EMDR and a counsellor, although I am absolutely petrified of what will happen to me mentally when I 'remember' fully. I just don't want to go there.
I'm not strong enough.

@LittlePurpleTeapot thank you for your kind words, I’m really sorry that you’re going through all this too. The reason we reported it originally was because of one man who we worked out was probably still alive. And he was, the police found him based on our description (he wasn’t someone we knew, he was a hotel staff member, we knew his accomplice on that day; he was dead).

Then later got the police got ID evidence through an identity parade. But it wasn’t enough for the CPS, though the police were convinced they had their man. The other abusers were dead, apart from my DB, who we chose not to press charges against.

It helped us that my DSis and I had each other, I’m not at all sure I would have endured a police investigation on my own. It was all worth it, because, horrible as it was, it validated us that we were believed.

I can tell you, though, that it’s a traumatic process exploring the past. When we started we had no idea how much there was that we’d repressed, including our F’s abuse. You need a very good therapist and real life support.