Grandma feels like a stranger

[Mumoftwogirls1]

We have two girls, 13, 15.
Throughout their lives, Grandma has rarely been involved. She pops in and out of their lives constantly, never invites them over to sleep (although this is hard now she's in a one bedroom), never comes to stay at ours. She only ever wants to meet up for maybe a couple of hours and that tends to be only 2/3 times a year and usually is just for lunch or tea somewhere. She does send them birthday and Christmas cards with money.
The girls are getting older now, with activities and friends and spending time without us
The eldest actually said yesterday when talking about what they want to get her for Christmas that she feels like a stranger.
Does she seem like a stranger?

If they've seen her for 3 days a year for the last 10 years (i doubt your Dds remember much of her from when they were 5 our younger) then yes of course? I mean, i understand she is family but there must be plenty of people who are not family who have had more interactions with them.

I don't understand the bit about popping in and out of their lives constantly though. It sounds like regular, sporadic contact.

Well obviously they aren't going to be super close to their Grandma, but then a lot of kids have grandparents who live abroad or are horribly dysfunctional. She's still their Grandmother and presumably she isn't nasty to them when they meet? She still remembers Christmas and birthdays, which is nice. I don't really know what you want from this OP?

Sorry, I mean sometimes she wont bother at all having a relationship with them. It's only the last few years that we have seen her for lunch/tea because being their grandma we wanted them to have a relationship with her and so despite lack of interest we call and suggest meeting up for lunch.

If she isn't interested in them, why have you forced the meeting up for lunch?

It's not exactly forced. The girls have been happy to go for lunch and Grandma despite not bothering with them much is happy for us to take her. It's only yesterday that the eldest said she is like a stranger and so it got me thinking if it's just our grandma like this or if others are similar.

It's less contact than typical, I suspect, but there's plenty of uninvolved grandparents out there, your case is not unique.
How is nana's relationship with her own offspring?

It sounds like she has been consistent and I suspect you have unrealistic expectations (not all grandparents have children overnight) which perhaps influences your view.

Sometimes grandparents do seem like strangers. That’s just the reality.

I think you have to accept that some grandparents dont want a close relationship with their adult children. They take the view that their duty as parents is now done and the older years are for them to do as they please. Sounds like your mother has that view. She does what she sees as her duty in marking birthdays and christmas but isnt otherwise looking for an intimate relationship.

I'm a grandparent and probably a stranger to my existing grandchildren. They live a fair way away, I work two jobs and have to run a house. I simply don't have the bandwidth for being 'granny' and turning up for every party/occasion. I am in touch with my grandchildren, they know who I am, but I'm never going to be a 'sleepover and babysit' granny because of proximity and time.

Why does it matter?

Thanks Fuzzywolf, perhaps our expectations were too high.
Friendlyginercat you may be correct, maybe she never really wanted grandchildren.
Vroom, she doesn't live far, is only early 60's and only works part time. It sounds like you are more in touch with your grandchildren.
.

I think that's a real shame, for you, for your children and for her.

Being an involved grandma has been one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. I live half an hour drive from my granddaughter. I have a very close bond with her, she comes to me after school and has dinner here a couple of times a week, stays over at the weekend about once every 3 weeks and comes here most weekdays in the school holidays. I do things with her that her parents don't eg sewing, crafts, we go on trips together, it's always lovely.

I don't understand why grandparents who live near don't want to be involved, I think they're really missing out.

But if she's been like that for all this time then she won't change, but it's obvious she doesn't have any kind of close relationship with your children if they say she feels like a stranger, and that's sad.

I think the groundwork for a close grandparent/grandchild relationship is laid in early childhood so if your girls are teens, she's already missed that window of time. My boys were close to all their Grandparents but that was because they were there for every Christmas and birthdays, Sunday lunches, barbecues etc and they would always have the children to stay for a few days in the holidays and would also come and stay with us. DHs parents lived abroad but we would visit for holidays and they would come and stay with us for 2/3 weeks too. I'm sad for your girls that their Grandma hasn't made the effort but you can't force a close relationship if she doesn't want one. I guess she will reap what she's sown - my mum lives round the corner from me and is in her 80s now and her adult grandsons pop in and see her all the time, which makes her very happy!