Daughter, is becoming a real nightmare!

[Bulldog01]

Daughter who is almost 32 & partner are living with us.They moved from their flat,the rent/bills were becoming unaffordable.

We thought at the time that, we did the right thing.We were hoping that they would be able to save,rent a cheaper flat or buy a house.At the same time maybe help out with odd jobs around the house! But no chance of that they are way too important to help with mundane tasks!

We charge them rent of £450.00.We are retired.They do not save, go out for meals,go on holiday,buy clothes.Daughter is always asking her dad for lifts.

Daughter is always pulling dad & I up example I'm talking too loud,or we have not used the correct grammar,etc etc.

We are not a loud family.This morning,I have just had enough! She just asked her dad, can he take her to the doctor's at 9.45am.Daughter,works from home,so we rarely get a break!

Daughters, partner is unemployed at the moment,but he is applying for jobs.I always thought,our daughter was a madam, this behaviour is really damaging our relationship.If I being honest, I really don't like the person she has become.

I would like her to move out.She is just so entitled,I cannot believe,she is our daughter! Dad & I are the complete opposites.I am struggling,

Obviously their is a lot more going on.
If I could afford to,I would move out,as I am really not happy with these dynamics
.
Christmas, cannot really bare the thought of spending any time with our Daughter & partner! Whatever we do it's probably going to have lasting implications for us as a family?

Would love to know,have you ever been in a similar situation? How the hell am I going to relsove this dilemma?

You need to speak to her and lay down your boundaries - repeat the boundaries from when she moved in - eg temporary arrangement, that its gone on too long and you want your space back. Not ok to belittle you in own home and do nothing to contribute to the household. Give her notice but also put it into am email or text to so that she cannot deny receiving it or misunderstand. Do it to both of them so they are both clear and the request is transparent. Then stick to it. Do it now dont wait. You could give a deadlne of 2 weeks to start with - that should make them sit up and take note. Then they will plead and you can increase to 1 month if you like. But iether way they will be under no illusions that their behaviour is ok. Be strong !

Good advice from othet.posterd on dealing with these two.little shits

I'm.sorry but she is a real.user and does not respect you.Miss Freeloafer.

Tell them they have a month's notice then they are out

In that month they.must contribute towards food and utility.bills and clean up after themselves

As a Christmas present, they can keep.the money they owe you for food and bills.

Good Luck 🤞

You’ve been given a lot of good advice here but I want to specifically address the issue you have with your husband.

It’s really difficult when there is such a strong father-daughter bond that your needs feel squeezed out of the equation op, and your dh, who should be holding the line, and supporting your position as a fellow parent, sits on the fence and becomes referee instead.

In the circumstances above, I can see why your dd has become too big for her boots!

The dynamic between the three of you is very skewed and you find yourself engaged in a power struggle between you and your dd which you never wished for! While your dd manipulates your dh in to doing favours for her like giving her lifts, that go against your wishes. It’s a really uncomfortable situation to be in as you feel like you are being ganged up on in your own home!

Have you spoken seriously to your dh about this situation op? Is he aware of how you feel? Does he know about you being corrected for speaking loudly in your own home? Is he aware of how much extra domestic work you are doing picking up after the “freeloaders”? Why isn’t he equally cross with them? Or is it that he doesn’t do the majority of the cleaning up after them so he is not that bothered? You really need to put your foot down with him. Take him out to a restaurant and have a proper discussion and lay it out on the line! Don’t speak to him angrily but find your inner outrage op!

Given the situation above, I think it is best if you give your dd and her dp a deadline to move out, as I doubt very much that it will improve with your dh pandering to your dd as he is doing. Your dh could be very much contributing to her not growing up and taking responsibility.

Do you have any other adult children op? I know this sounds counter-intuitive but if you do, could you ask one of them to move in for a while to redress the balance perhaps ? So you have an ally?

Or could you and your dh attend some marriage counselling so that you could thrash this specific issue out in a neutral space?

Whatever you do, do not move out! You need to calmly and firmly reassert yourself op, reclaim your house on your own terms, and make as much noise as you like!

You have been very kind, your dd and her bf have taken advantage of your kindness, it’s not working for you, so now they need to go. Tell them soon that you will be having a nice Christmas together but you expect them to be living independently by the very latest, 1st April.

Btw op, regarding the adhd issue. If your dd is nd, then she needs to seek a proper diagnosis because this could be impacting on her executive function. What she should not be doing is holding this as an excuse above your head without seeking diagnosis and treatment. Tell her this!

Oh no OP. A few years ago a family member moved in to my flat with their partner. It was only meant to be for a couple of weeks but they ended up staying for months. It was horrible. I am not a dog person at all and they had brought 2 dogs with them into my living space. They did other things that were inconsiderate too and I really hated it and wanted my space back. In the end I went and stayed with my mum and I think that got the message through and finally they left.
OP you need to do something the sooner the better, asap really. It’s your home remember and you’ve done them a favour and when she’s telling you what to do in your own house then she can find somewhere else to live.

I wouldn’t make a list regarding your concerns. Tell her she needs to go and find a place of her own. End of. She sounds annoying! Does she have any friends? In regards to Christmas can you just bugger off to a friends or family members for the day. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You can say I’m spending it with bla bla because you’re rude ( point to your daughter) you’re both weak pathetic men… ( point to the men) DONE! See ya!!!

Make her uncomfortable. This is your house.

I have thrown out adult dks, in the past, different reasons. We are very close and tight. They needed it. I have a friend,tiny fragile lady almost 70, she let her 40 year old son move home after a divorce, meant to be for a while,it's almost 2 years. She is long divorced from his father,who went back to his own country over 30 years ago. She threw him out several times, wouldn't have a word said against him, kept saying he was a young boy,he's working, one job cash in hand around £500 a week,on top of his wages. He's trashed her home, attached her..."it wasn't his fault,he was drunk,on drugs,it's his mental health". He was always borrowing money,he has 3 kids, different mothers,he doesn't see them. I don't know the latest, she said she can't tell me,so it must be bad, I expect she will tell me at some point, she's too upset at the moment. He gets through girlfriends at a rate of knots. She always blamed the woman, but I think she's finely learning.