Advice needed for conspiracy-addled parent

[Mumhastwistedoff]

One of my DPs has become obsessed with conspiracy theories. They don't talk to me about them unless they are a bit disinhibited by drink. I don't deal with it well. It has been going on for at least a decade and the beliefs have become progressively more extreme and deranged - and wide ranging.

I am looking for advice on how to bring them back to reality from those who have been in a similar situation - what helps and what doesn't? They are in their 70s with noone else in the family sharing these beliefs, including their DP.

Long time MNer, NC'd.

I have a relation like this. The rest of us agreed to push back every time they started spouting rubbish. Tried it for months and it didn't work. Nothing worked. They have got worse over time not better and are now spiteful about us 'not seeing the truth' as well given the chance.

Your DP is in their 70s, everyone disagrees with them including their partner and they're still at it. Nothing's going to change their mind.

The only answer for me was to make sure I'm never around them when they're drinking.

Thankyou. This is my fear. That things get worse. I have stopped challenging (yes, it wasn't working) and am finding myself less and less desirous of spending any time with them, drink or no drink, which makes me really sad as they have been a brilliant and much-loved DP (and still are!!).

I’ve seen quite a lot of posts like this recently. There is a theory that conspiracy theories make some anxious people less anxious because the idea that there is some overarching control and plan is less worrying to them than the reality that there isn’t and it’s all just random chaos.

It will be fulfilling some need in them in any case. So in my experience it is difficult to address without addressing underlying anxiety, mental health issues, boredom, loneliness. I agree with pp it is probably best just not to be around them when drinking.

Thankyou - perhaps I should have searched before posting. Yes, it probably did fulfill a need but I also wonder if it becomes a comforting habit. Either way, I feel clueless to make things better.

I didn’t mean to make you feel you should have searched sorry. Just meant it seems like it may be becoming more common, I don’t know. Yes I think it becomes like a hobby.

https://www.technologyreview.com/2025/10/30/1126839/how-to-help-friends-and-family-dig-out-of-a-conspiracy-theory-black-hole/amp/

This article seems to have some possibly helpful ways to talk to people and does seem to be saying that the one thing that doesn’t help is trying to debunk things as they will just become defensive and go further down the hole.

Op I think you’d possibly be better concentrating your efforts inwards to find a way for it not to wind you up/distress you so much and let go of the need to fix it. Which is going to be really hard but it’s the old you can’t change people’s behaviour just your reaction to it. There is always a temptation to think if only I used better words they’d understand.

i suppose it’s like someone telling you that something you believe in - that the wrath is round , that dinosaurs existed- is not true. You’d just ignore them.

For me it would depend on what then theories are.

That the world is flat - I'd avoid the topic.l but make it clear at least once that I don't agree.

Racist theories around control of the world finances and who is responsible for all crime in the UK - I'd be withdrawing contact.

The problem is that unless you think this is MH or medical health related, people are free to believe whatever they want. When it affects relationships you can't really change someone's opinions.

People are frequently not open to discussing things, especially if they are of the "everyone is lying and hiding from reality" type of conspiracy theorist who will just call you a sheep and continue to insult you.... because that's how they avoid looking deeper at themselves and the truth of what they believe.

There is no rationalising this 99% of the time - unless that person wishes to consider their position and is genuinely open to a rational conversation. I'm my experience it can start that way and swiftly deteriorate because they get their backs up and refuse to accept they could be wrong about anything.

Thankyou that is very useful, although does confirm my parent is quite a long way into the vortex! Useful advice not to isolate them further but to do ordinary social stuff - I feel I am very much at risk of this as it makes me so uncomfortable and even angry. Need to reign that in and like @TorroFerney says, try and control my own reactions to it since they are unhelpful.

Wear 1 earbud and music of your choice. Learn to zone out of their drivel and into your tunes. I wear one gardening to zone out from Twat Neighbours...

I find the best tactic is to ask why ?

Why did space lizards take over the Royals, why are NASA lying about the shape of the earth etc.

I have debated a fair few flat earthers online, and TBH, I enjoy it. They tend to latch onto things that are taken for granted as a starting point, and most people can't explain it. Then once their gas lighting is done, and you are maybe struggling to explain the taken for granted stuff, it's into the rabbit warren they go, ducking and diving down different rabbit holes every time they are challenged.

To deal with them, to have a normal conversation, I think its best to try keep the conversation out of the rabbit warren, and if they go down it, don't follow them.

Keep them on the basics. Why ?

Conspiracy theorists can be, and very often are, very knowledgeable about their specialist subject. and if you are not prepared, as most people are not, then they feel they have gained a victory. And that reinforces them.

Ohh, and ban the word " whatabout".

If they say "whatabout", just say " whataboutism: logical fallacy ".

My DP has this "hobby" too... and it's invasive. I find what works for me is grey rock as in just say "mmmm" and go on to say something about something else. Eventually they give up cos they don't get the ego stroke, panic reaction they looking for. Tough to live with but you can only change your reaction not their minds. Sad you have to put up with this. It's tough.

I did read a good book about this. I'll try and fish out the link.

My 80 year old mum has gone down the well travelled road from wellness and holistic therapies to full on conspiracy theorist. Got so much worse during covid which scared her and also left her lonely and isolated. She lives with my dad but he doesn't really give her time or listen to her.

Spending quality time with your parent would help. My mum has her phone Bluetooth-es to her hearing aids so she spends her time listening to YouTube videos and no one knows. Loves Katie Hopkins and Russell Brand and Joe Rogan etc. She's coming back from it a bit after and event where it came out in front of friends and she was embarrassed but she still listens to this shite and massively distrusts science and mainstream media.

Ooh found it

https://amzn.eu/d/04oEMJq

What I like is the recognition that we are ALL on a sliding scale of conspiracy theories because we do all know that genuine conspiracy has existed. So it's about recognising where you are and where they are on that scale.

Prime example is 9/11. Many many people believe that the US government knew more than they've told us about the potential for Al Qaeda attacking the US at the time and maybe could have prevented it. Fairly light on the conspiracy scale and considered acceptable. Other end of that scale is that 9/11 was an inside job and the US government were behind it.

Looks a good book.

But I will contest something you said. Quote "What I like is the recognition that we are ALL on a sliding scale of conspiracy theories because we do all know that genuine conspiracy has existed. So it's about recognising where you are and where they are on that scale."

I disagree with this, "we are all".

Argument from majority fallacy. Otherwise called an Ad populum fallacy.

(edit, or maybe it's just a factually incorrect statement. )

Do you have evidence to back up your claim ?

That's how I deal with conspiracists. And I am sure that is covered in. the book you suggest.

I am jesting with you :-)

However, there is a point there, I reckon, as to the importance of language.

Pull them up at the very start. Don't let anything get passed. If you then changed that statement from " we are all" to " many of us", that's ok. "Most of us" would not be ok for me though, that would need a debate :-)

Don't let them out the starting blocks is my method.

Does look a good book.

What I do is appeal to their better nature and say 'Can we not talk about this today please, Dad. It stresses me out.' Seems to work. I received training on this when doing Covid jabs and we were advised never to argue with a conspiracy theorist.
This might be controversial, but I don't think it's any different from some religious beliefs.

Totally take your point and I am the very furthest from conspiracy theories. BUT it doesn't help in talking to those down the rabbit hole because they just dismiss you as captured in the same way that you or I would dismiss them. And that doesn't get you anywhere.

But conspiracies have and do exist in the world. Some were outed and proven. And cases like the Oxycontin push that's been shown in series like Dopesick do breed mistrust in 'big pharma'. It helps to acknowledge that end of the scale when talking to conspiracy addled parents onu experience.

I am not disagreeing with you at all.

I just think that instead of brushing them off, or following them down their rabbit holes, a good alternative is to challenge them on their initial premise. And of course ask why.

Gaslight them effectively. Get them doubting their opening statement. Or at least try to.

It means there is good chance of having an engaging conversation without listening to their bat shit conspiracies.

And see, we are not talking about oxycontin. You are trying to change the subject rather than talk about your false premise that everyone believes in conspiracies.

Do you have any evidence that supports your claim ?

im intrigued as to what conspiracies you’re referring to…..flat earth? Moon landing? Phil the Greek had Diana killed? Camilla is a lizard? Or just the usual deform rubbish about those nasty dark skinned people? Surely they’re all just believed by nutters with too much time on their hands and use it to read the daily mail?

Why do you fell the need to change their view point?
why aren’t they allowed their own theories and thoughts?
Id say it’s you that needs to stop being so controlling and judgemental.

I think the research shows that you must not push back against someone who believes in conspiracy theories. If you do, this entrenches the beliefs even further. There are quite a few podcasts and websites about this but you may find this helpful.

https://www.bps.org.uk/research-digest/how-should-you-talk-loved-one-who-believes-conspiracy-theories

It's not my assertion. It's from the book. Can't remember if he backed up the claim and to be fair can't remember if he said EVERYONE or many, or most. I was paraphrasing. I'm not putting this forward as a scientific theory or fact. And I wasn't changing the subject using Oxycontin as an example the poor behaviour of big pharma. I wasn't using it as an example of conspiracy but as an example of why people like my mum have deep distrust in pharma.

The OP wanted advice on how to deal with her parent. Partially informed by the approach in the book I've personally found that gaslighting or shutting down my mother will only push her further away and into conspiracy land. I've found it more effective to acknowledge that conspiracies do exist - George Monbiot wrote an interesting piece about this - but that it doesn't mean that all theories put forward are true.

But if you want to get hung up on that one reference I made, based on my experience and a book I read, have at it.

Totally agree. More than anything my mum wants to be HEARD. She went down this rabbit hole because she was lonely and felt dismissed and not listened to.

Absolutely. I think loneliness, some anxiety or lack of control, a feeling of unimportance or powerlessness - all play a role. I am hoping my parent comes back from it a bit too.

I'm not talking 'darkskinned reform shit' as PP puts it - but aliens, stuff about the Royals or other 'elites' (a very broad term it seems), satanic ritual stuff, organ trafficking, 5G in the covid vaccine, the lot. 'Shutting it down' or trying to instil doubt as suggested by PP hasn't been the answer, as logic is unimportant and uninvolved, which is supported by what others here say.

Thanks for the replies and my sympathies to others going through similar with family members. I will continue to engage on a normal social, loving level and ignore the insanity.

I agree the CT are very knowledgeable on their subject, could do mastermind very well! I don't bother arguing with the one i know as he 'has all the answers '
The problem is governments do cover up things, individuals lie, organisations hide their actions. This feeds the whole thing. The guy I know believes and a fervent follower of nearly any that you can think of and doesn't see the irony of believing all he reads on the flip side of 'official' information.

My usual response is 'ok, you know this, what do you plan to do about it', along with ' cant wait to read your book with all the credited evidence '