Independent Woman

[Pciuc]

I am a woman in my late 30's and I have always taken care of myself since a young age.
Although I was in a long term relationship, that relationship did not really move forward. This suited me as I kept my individuality and independence.
I am now in a new relatioship which is moving forward and I fear that soon enough I would be asked to move in together.
I am scared because I fear I will loose who I am and the safety of having my own space, and the ability to walk out at anytime.
How can I overcome this fear? And do you think the fear means he is not the ONE?

How new is it? Has it been long enough to see how you both deal with conflict? Do you have to move in with him?

Idk loosing yourself is a very real thing.
'The one' isn't really a thing.

if you did live together could you move somewhere with enough space to have your own sense of privacy? Shed/work room. Has he shown you he respects your sense of space/boundaries?

Lots of people find change scary, especially if you are risking letting go of something you value (your independence). I guess the question is whether you love this person enough to try it.

If you do, I would start trying to get used to the idea that life will inevitably change. Living with someone means you compromise and in most relationships there will usually be some things you just can't do in the way you want (as it will be for your partner too).

You do still have the choice to change your mind, it just gets harder if you go down the marriage/ baby route. But keep in mind that the option is always there for you to walk out no matter what.

There is no 'one', if this doesn't work out for whatever reason then there will be others if that's what you want. I'm at a different stage of life with teen kids but when DH and i first moved in together I managed to retain that sense of independence which was extremely important to me. It wasn't just physical space for me it was freedom to come and go. Yes you have to check in all the time if you live with someone, but I had separate friends and often did things with them, dh would be told not asked. If we were out together and I wanted go leave then I'd leave and not make him come with me, and vice versa (some couples found this strange). It was more a case of setting boundaries early and DH understanding and feeling similarly. He knew after about a month that the one thing I wouldn't tolerate was possessiveness and if he ever tried to behave that way I'd be gone. Just knowing that about me was enough, I don't think our relationship would have continued if he had a different idea of relationships. Over time after kids I lost myself a bit but that's a different issue. Moving in together shouldn't feel restrictive. I think some serious boundary setting conversations are needed now, tell him how you feel and see if he can accept this. If not then best to leave it now before it's too painful.

Sounds like you have some fears around what life will be like when you commit and live together. This needs to be discussed.
If you feel your life with the person you love will be better than being single then plan together and go for it.
If you feel like you’re not ready then don’t. But be prepared for the relationship to end if this is a dealbreaker for your partner.
Whatever you do, be honest and don’t future fake then check out completely like my ex did. That’s cruel. Many people are uncomfortable with commitment but there are ways of managing these feelings and working through them, and also ways that hurt others.

i think you need to unpick some of your assumptions here, OP. Unless you mean you left an unhappy home environment very early or were in care or something, most people of either sex will have been ‘looking after themselves’ all their adult lives. And yes, merging lives or cohabiting once you’ve had more adult solo life is probably more challenging than if you do it in your early 20s.

But you’re making some strange assumptions about relationships that ‘move forward’ (do you mean towards cohabitation/marriage/children?) and independence — are you saying you stayed in a non-moving forward’ relationship for years precisely because you didn’t want to move in together? Was it happy? Did you end it?

What strikes me too is how passive you sound about your current relationship. You say your new relationship (how new?) is ‘moving forward’ and you think that ‘soon enough you woukd be asked to move in together’. It’s not clear why you think ‘who I am’ would change at all, but you realise that moving in together isn’t compulsory? If you don’t ever want to, make that clear to your partner, so you’re on the same page. It doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work and be happy and committed. DH and I spent six months a year apart every year for ten years, because I worked abroad. I have happily married friends who live separately most of the time now their children have left home. I have a new friend who lives in a different country to her longterm partner.

Unless you want to have children together, there’s no particular need to cohabit, unless you want to. And there’s no such thing as ‘the one’. Thete are many people each one of us could potentially be happy with. I’ve been with myDH for 30 years, and I’ve met a few men over the years and recognised that they were people I could have had a happy relationship with.

I’d take the idea of ‘moving on’ out of it for now, and focus on whether the relationship is making you happy.

OP I think we're more or less in the same boat. I was single (with a few flings, some more serious and some not) in my 20s in a foreign country, loved life and the freedom etc. I'm now in a relationship and we moved in together a month ago. It took a lot of courage on my end and I doubted a lot, but the pros just have to outweigh the cons. I know that sounds sooo cliche. If you can't see any good in the idea of moving in with a man, or if the positive is overshadowed by the negative, it's just not going to work IMHO.

He’s not necessarily the wrong person, only you know that. It’s a new relationship, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for that step yet and particularly if you’ve got your own home, it can become more complicated when moving in together and joining finances. If it’s more losing your space, if you don’t really enjoy being around him much, or have niggling doubts about him often, perhaps this isn’t the relationship where you’ll be settling down.