Separating hell with finances (unmarried+living together+daughter)

[greenteaforever]

Hello,

I am sat here crying hard in bed for another night this week, because I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve seen dozens of threads around this topic and still in total disbelief it is all happening…

I am going through a separation with my partner of 14 years. I ended things 2 weeks ago when everything came to a head, after years of him being unfair with money, refusing to plan the future, and neglecting me emotionally- I’d hit the last straw.

We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, and we are still living together (sleeping in different rooms) and it’s been nothing short of a nightmare. I do not want to live here, but like many women in my boat, have to stay due to lack of local family support nearby, money, and wanting limited disruption for my daughter. he has been asked to leave and can easily afford a hotel but not surprisingly, has refused.

The biggest thing we are arguing about is money. The main reason I left him has become the stickling point in the separation negotiations, and he’s showing who he is all over again which is so so painful.

Basically he has offered to buy me out and stay in our family home, because I cannot afford to. I am OK with this idea, as it means my daughter can get access to her home, and keep her room etc. But the amount he has offered is way below what is fair and he thinks it is.

nB. We have solicitors but obviously that can be quite slow and costly, and with us living together we’re trying to sort through things ourselves too (hence emotional chaos).

In short
£306k bought house
£355k est value of house
£128k left on mortgage
= £227 equity

He made overpayments to of £80k, which I agreed to update the deeds to reflect (36.9% me and 63.1% him)

I have paid 50/50 into the mortgage since day 1, and 50/50 of all furniture and upgrades (£20k just me).

He came to me yesterday and said he was going to offer £75k buyout

Then came to me today to offer £55k (saying I’d only put £49,500 into the mortgage and because the equity has grown 13%, then he’d offer me £55k) and let me keep the car (£1800) in exchange for the furniture etc.

The maths just doesn’t add up for me and I’ve been advised by my solicitor to go for the deed split on the equity, as that already reflects his overpayments. He is not happy about this and is saying I’m screwing him over. Then getting angry saying I’m manipulating him, that he had never respected me etc. It hurts.

For context, he is really tight and paranoid about money, and has never been fair towards me (even since having his child) and I’ve put myself in many strained financial situations because of it, leading to debt and work burnout.

He earns £80k a year I earn £33.5k, he has £30k+ in savings and 2 properties in Spain too. I am off work sick with the stress of it all, and not surprised he has never offered to help in my most difficult moments (hence the reason I’m leaving)

I feel incredibly vulnerable right now, because I’m an emotional wreck at how he still doesn’t see me as the mother of his child (and protecting me means protecting her) and he’s still trying to give me the bare minimum, to start a new life. I’m disgusted a man would do this.

I have to buy my own place (want to, for stability for my daughter) so that buyout amount is the difference between somewhere good or bad. Either way, I cannot get a mortgage on my salary for more than £150k (he knows this) so already have to face moving out of this area (where my daughter was born, goes to nursery and best friend lives) - on top of him trying to cut it down to pieces (meaning if I did only get £55k, then affordability would be down to around £135k, pushing me further out of the area (or to a really basic flat that needs alot of work). This isn’t great for logistics but he says ‘It sucks ‘ (I’m like, well you could help…)

I have been through therapy, have amazing family and friends who I talk to daily, and a pragmatic solicitor to hand - I guess I’m just looking for any other nuggets of info I may not have thought of in all of this.

I do not think I could cope with the stress of going to court. I have to be careful with my mental health and already at boiling point.

note we are not married, and we are still living together. Thank you.

75k is the right amount for your fair share of the house.

£75k is a low ball offer. Should be more like £85k

If you think he'll dig his heels in, factor in the emotional and legal costs though.

His other properties are irrelevant. You chose to have a child with someone you're not married to and this is one of the consequences. Assuming you dont co-own those properties they are his.

You need to forget about his savings and properties - you didn’t marry him so have no right to any of those, nor his pension if he has one

But does £75k reflect the money you’ve put in? What does your solicitor think the judge will order if it goes to court?

if you can show perhaps some financial coercion /control through his actions in terms of trying to lowball you out the house (and if he does are you concerned that he will then go for custody?) and perhaps in the past coercion to alter the deed split … then could the judge order him to leave the family home for you to raise your daughter to adulthood and then sell.

Go and see a solicitor. He’s a bully and if you lawyer up he may back down. You can also be sure you won’t short change yourself .

She’s got one.

just from her OP there’s deffo a degree of financial abuse if not emotional. He knows what that means and he knows she’s gonna not want to leave daughter etc.

it saddens me some people are saying “tough shit for not marrying”.

women shouldn’t have to marry in order to fleece everything they can protect themselves financially.

She should be entitled to her fair share of that house and recourse for other stuff she’s put into it and if they can’t agree what that is right now or to leave her in a position where she can look after her daughters best interests then she should be allowed to stay there til daughter is 18 surely? It’s her home too which ex seems to be hell bent on forcing her out off.

he’s a cunt. Men should not be cunts. Married or not.

The housing market is shut property prices are dropping solicitors fees cost a fortune you could burn through thousands arguing over this

75k does does sound about right

as for furniture the value of 2nd hand furniture which is what it us is low so £1800/car maybe an alright figure

what figure do you have in mind and also what about legal fee

him buying you out will save about 4K as there isn’t the safes associated with selling

Tell him you'll take 75 and that's final.

Secondly, buy what you can even if it means moving out of the area a little.

2 year olds do not have 'best friends' for crying out loud. They don't even have friends. They don't even play together, they play next to each other.

75k plus the car seems alright, especially if you’re moving somewhere that your current furniture won’t fit/suit. Don’t accept any lower.

Will you be getting maintenance? Check entitled.to and make sure the child benefit is in your name.

You have a solicitor - listen to them! You are entitled to the split on the deeds - that is the point of putting a split on the deeds, don't settle for less. I would assume you could determine market value by having 3 estate agents view the property and value it and taking the average of the 3 values.

For the furniture you would normally only get like for like replacement value and not resale value so either take it with you or pretty much right off that expense. Storage units are not hugely expensive so it might be more cost effective to rent one short term and store furniture than to have to replace.

Whose car is it - who bought it? If he is "giving" it to you in that he originally bought it (not necessarily the same as having the V5 in his name) then you need to get that in writing (email would be fine I think) in case he comes after you for "stealing" it after you eventually leave with it.

I'd accept the deed split of the equity and the car (unless you originally paid for it in which case it is YOURS anyway!) and let him keep the furniture if it was me.

Good luck and hang on in there, even this hell will eventually end.