Friend gone silent

[Lemonsugarpancakes]

I have a friend who I thought was a really good friend - some shared interests, she was really supportive through a big bereavement I had, we’ve had some deep chats over the years eg about her very difficult mum and her not knowing who her dad is etc, very mutually supportive I felt - but she rarely initiates. I noticed this a couple of years ago so I stopped initiating. Worrying she’s just not feeling the same about me, even though she’s said over and over I’m like a daughter to her (she’s about 10 yrs older than me) I thought I’d just step back and see. Over the last couple of years she’s texted happy birthday and happy Christmas and I’ve initiated another meet up or two which seemed to go great and last time she even said (completely unprompted) that she’d noticed she doesn’t really got in touch with any of her friends lately whereas her husband is always out to tennis or drinks with his mates etc. I nodded along just listening but maybe I should have said something about how her lack of contact affects me then? I’m not very good at sticking up for myself.

A few weeks ago she texted me happy birthday and said ‘hope to meet up for tea and cake soon’. I messaged back the same day saying thanks and how are you? - Intending to just check in on how she is before suggesting meeting up, as I’m wondering if I need to accept that maybe I’m just the initiator out of the two of us and maybe she’s got things on her plate. She’s completely blanked me since though despite reading my message.

I just don’t know what to do. Her friendship means something to me but I’m not sure I really mean anything to her. I’ve always felt a bit wary of her saying I’m like a daughter to me as it’s like she over-promises.

Would you get in touch with her again and probe a bit with her, or just leave it?

This has literally just happened to me so I sympathise. A good friend of 15 years plus has just totally faded away since the Summer. Every time I try to send a message, I just get a one word answer or a thumbs up so I've regrettably decided to let it go. If she gets in contact, I'll see how I feel. I also know there is nothing wrong so have ruled that out..

Thanks for replying @coolcahuna and sorry it’s happened to you too. It’s hurtful.

If you can be the initiator. Some of us just really struggle to invite people to do things, even really good friends. I’m currently stewing on an invitation and just can’t bring myself to send it. I want to meet up and they’re my friends, but what if they say no?! It’s that thought that’s currently winning. So if you can just be the person who does the inviting. She obviously cares about you.

I understand that difficulty @Skeldale as have been that person in the past, but she’s not really like that. She can even be a little too manipulative in getting her way at times (which I’ve tended to overlook - none of us are perfect!)

Why would they say no?

They just might be busy, or unable to make it. Nothing sinister, but just an ‘oh sorry, but no’. I’m so appreciative of my friends who put themselves out there and organise things.

I see though, this may not be the case for you OP it just sounds like she is maybe not totally comfortable with your friendship drifting but still doesn’t feel the necessity in inviting you do to something. You can either ask her and get something of an answer or stay silent and continue to wonder and possibly build further resentment.

Also I think it's the wondering why? A few other friends have suggested I send her one last really chatty message suggesting a meet up but honestly if I got a one word response to that, I would be really hurt. Friends come and go sadly and when I think about it, whenever I've decided not to be friends anymore, I have also opted for the slow fade so maybe need to just take the hint. It's also reached the point when she's now not aware of several big things that have happened in my life so doubly awkward

Yeah it’s the lack of closure that’s difficult. If she could be big enough to say she doesn’t want to meet up anymore, or to just say she’s busy, my mind could move on. I suspect if I ask she’d brush it off as she’s not one to get into anything too emotionally difficult.

And (I’m going to rant here, sorry!) why keep on sending Christmas and birthday texts if she’s not interested in keeping things going?! It just feels cruel to dangle a bit of a carrot of connection but then not actually engage. It’s so inconsistent.

You wanted her to initiate, and she did, but when she suggested tea and cake, you didn’t come back with a date but asked an unrelated question. She may feel you’re not so keen on meeting.

id leave it. If she does really care she will contact you. If she doesn’t it tells you everything you need to know

Had a friend like OP. I just left messaging to her. Haven't heard since March. Will be interesting at christmas to see if any contact. Give it one last shot... then accept that for now she is not reaching out to you.

Thanks everyone. I’ve decided to leave it. I think a quick ‘how are you?’ before making any arrangements after not having spoke for nearly a year is a very normal, empathic patter of conversation (like - ‘oh hello, stranger’). She’s still not bothered to bat the ball back so I’m not going to chase.