Sorry, this is going to be long!
Basically, my questions are - if you behave like our families do does it mean you just don't like your relatives?
or is it just not that big a deal and I am reading into things?
In both situations what really confuses me is that when we do see each other we all seem to get along well and have a laugh.
Maybe I am ASD and just cannot read the cues?
the background:
A few years ago I would have said that me and my sister were close, we had that easy sort of relationship where we could dip in and out of each other's lives, drop in at a moment's notice and generally just got on really well.
However over the past 7/8 years life just seems to have got in the way and now we seem really formal - we invite each other over, don't see each other for months and barely exchange a text unless it is about our parents (one of whom moved into a care home earlier this year, it has been pretty fraught).
We both have two DC, her are a couple of years older, one of mine is ASD which has some issues as one of her DC just rubs him up the wrong way. As a result we just started seeing each other less.
I feel really sad about it and said as much last year, I made more of an effort to see her as before but after a few months it became really clear that it was one sided and I stepped back a bit. I still extend invitations but less frequently and half the time she says she is busy but without suggesting when she is free. I don't want to be pushing a closed door.
She has always been closer to our mum (parents divorced, dad in care home) than I have but I have made peace with that, especially since having my own DC.
Anyway, my sister usually hosts my mum and step dad for Christmas but this year her husband has his 50th birthday so they are going on holiday with his family. Me and my family usually pop over at some point over Christmas as we also have my husband's family to consider (and my MIL won't come to my sister's house - a whole other story!).
I asked my mum if her and my step dad wanted to come to my house instead - but no, she said since my sister was going to be away they have booked to go to a hotel, just the two of them.
My sister suggested we do an early Christmas before they go away and dates have been suggested, there was one date we could make but only for a couple of hours late afternoon as DD has a dance exam and others we could do the whole day. They chose that day. It feels like they have invited us so they can tick the duty box - done for another year.
Turning to my husband's family. I really like my MIL, she is great and really helpful with our DC. We live a couple of hours away but she regularly comes down to visit (she is a widow).
My husband's sister lives 5 mins from MIL but rarely visits her - might pop in for a coffee once every couple of weeks if she is lucky. I don't understand why but she isn't my mum. At Christmas SIL will never see any of us on Christmas Day - it is strictly reserved for her and her (now adult) DC. Even the year MIL was widowed she would not relent.
Every year we go through his facade where DH exchanges messages with his sister about meeting up over Christmas - they will never come to us (despite coming to London regularly they will never suggest seeing us) and never invite us to their house. it is pretty clear, they don't want to see us but they feel they have to, to seem "good" to the outside world.