I've been with my partner for five years. He has three children, two older ones (DSS 24 & DSD 22) both by his ex wife, who he met when he was 18 and she was 24. They married when he was 20, after she stated she was getting older and wanted to have children. Then came along DSS, then she wanted another baby soon after, and so DSD came along quickly after. He went into a trade his ex wife wanted him to go into, as her brother was established and he made a decent living from it. A few years on, the pressure from her controlling behaviour and his inability to keep up with her demands, apparently led to her having an affair with her boss and leaving him in a lot of debt.
He met his youngest daughters mum (currently 10) two years post divorce. He said she was like a breath of fresh air and within 18 months, they were pregnant. They were both similar in the sense that they're both very laidback and passive. She is a heavy pot smoker, saying it's for a bad back and doesn't like taking prescription medication. The problem is, she has ongoing depression and has now been diagnosed with PMDD, so can be very difficult to deal with sometimes. This worsening after their daughter was born. They eventually broke up when DD was three and we met a couple of years later.
I have two DS aged 12 and 18. My ex partner was also very controlling, and so we had things in common when we met and much we could relate to. I drew upon this experience and used a gentle approach, when getting to know one another, aware of how triggering it can be to form a new relationship, when experiencing such a conflicted one previously. I met his older children around 9 months in, him meeting mine a year in. His son is very much like his dad; he's very laid back, has a funny sense of humour and is also very kind. His daughter is also very laid back, but can and has caused some trouble for us, going back telling her mum personal details that then get blown up and fed back to ex number two. Their mum has never taken the time to get to know me, I am six years younger than my partner and she calls me 'the child bride', despite us not being married. Ex number 2 has harassed me basically, sent me messages, rang me, has never let me meet their child and refuses contact if partner suggests it, has tried to sleep with him and made advances multiple times. It's been tough.
After two years, we moved in together and that's when things really ramped up. Ex no 2 demands he sleeps there on Christmas Eve, he takes his older two and they have Christmas Eve with their sibling. The first year or so, I was ok with this. I now see that myself and my children are just purposely excluded. I do everything for Christmas, as I seem to have become the carer for everyone. A role I'd slipped into before I'd noticed to be honest. I always ensure the kids are treated equally and that I don't overwhelm anyone. DSD has ADHD and can be irritable and quite demanding, so I approach with caution. DSS is away completing a masters and my eldest son is now at uni. DSD is over a lot and really just abuses the house to the fullest, will dye her hair and leave it all over the bath, leaves every cup, plate, bowl in the sink. Leave dirty clothes all over the room and bathroom. I get home before DP and am met with a bombsite. She continuously says how her ex step mum was rubbish with her, but then goes and tells her things about our relationship. DP gets calls about personal conversations we have had that she's fed back. I buy the shopping and when she stays over, which is quite often because her mums husband doesn't want her there, I can go through and extra £60-£70 p/w on shopping and toiletries easy.
Last year I'd been ill with pneumonia a few months before and thought I'd treat myself, DP and kids to Christmas dinner out, DSD was supposed to be at her mums. Once she realised we were going out, she then wanted to come. DSS then asked to join and I somehow ended up footing the bill. The lunch literally cost me hundreds of pounds and then I was left shortly after to go home with my boys, as they were going back to ex number 2, to spend time with the little one. They took the presents and opened them there. I'd been so poorly not too long before and had really tried to have a special Christmas, but arrived home feeling really upset to be honest. It's my birthday coming up and I've made plans with friends, DP is coming and then insisted we invite his children, and the expectation is for me to book everyone's tickets and pay. He's also said he wants to go out for dinner again this Christmas and the kids want to come, no offer to help towards the cost.
I feel so overlooked and to be honest, I'm starting to feel really used. We've lived together three years and not spent a Christmas Day together but I'm good enough to pay for everything and make sure everyone is happy. I don't like how my children are left out either, they are really respectful towards DP and his children and although he's good with them, I feel it's obvious we will never be seen as family. I've made the decision to end things, as I can't go on being treated like this. I feel a lot of guilt though, as my children have never seen me with anyone else, except this partner and their dad. I feel like I've let them down by not wanting to stay and be treated this way. I also feel bad on wanting to ask him to leave so close to Christmas but can't stand another Christmas like last year. Do you think I should stick it out till after Christmas, or ask him to leave now? I'm really upset and unsure.
Thank you x