How to cope with one retiree

[Maryberrysbouffant]

My DH recently took early retirement whilst I continue to work (mainly wfh p/t)

The idea was that he would take on more of the housework drudge…which technically he has. He’s gone up from doing 2% to doing 10%.

The resentment is huge and no matter how many times we discuss it and he promises to do more, he just doesn’t even realise what needs doing. If I have to micromanage him what is the point? I could just do it myself. I’ve written him lists of chores before and he will do them but then forget about them until the next time I issue a list. As a woman who’s juggled home/kids/part time work for years I’m just used to doing jobs when I see they need doing.

We aren’t great at communicating and neither of us are happy. He feels like I can’t stand him and I fantasise about living on my own so I’ve only got my own mess/meals to deal with.

You are both getting used to a new way of life and it's not easy for either of you. Maybe your DH had a job that was very prescriptive and didn't involve planning his time and thinking what needs to be done? I am retired and DH wfh. When I first retired I found it really hard to get things done in the house, simply because I now had so much more time available and tended to put things off. If your DH has never done much in the house, it genuinely won't be on his radar (and I know that's irritating) and he's unlikely to change overnight, but a daily list might help, as you say he will work from a list. To make sure it all gets done, I have made daily/weekly/monthly printable chore charts, so we both know what needs doing and can just tick things off without needing to think about it. It might be worth the investment of your time to put tickable lists together once and then reprint them as needed, if you have the equipment to do that. I'm in the habit now of spending the first hour of my day doing household chores, and that keeps it all ticking over. Maybe you could print the charts and each tick in a different colour so you can see the division of labour.

He’s not used to seeing what needs doing.

i do feel your pain.

i made daily/weekly/monthly tick lists.

weals had a tally of who had done what. He did get embarrassed when he saw how much bigger my talkies were.

he won’t turn into a good housekeeper overnight without management.

He isn’t forgetting, though, unless he’s an idiot. Did he forget his tasks at work? I’d write a list of jobs you want him to to regularly and put it on the fridge. Obviously you shouldn’t have to.

Yes I think lists must be the way forward. I think there’s a housework app so that might work. It seems silly to me to have to do this for two adults but it might save our marriage.

How does anyone get to the stage in their lives when they can take early retirement and yet
not be adult enough to do simple household tasks without a list or instruction?

1. Lower your standards - a lot of so-called regular cleaning is unnecessary
2. Just leave it, and when he complains about the muck, tell him he can do it
3. Get a cleaner - you & your husband will both be happier

Please don't give your husband a chart or a list - he's retired it's time for him to relax. And I say this as part of a retired couple myself- we have better/more fun things to think about than cleaning so do just enough to be "good enough". Or get the pros in for a blitz.

So even though we are the same sort of age and I’m still working, I should leave him to relax whilst I juggle work/housework/most of the cooking?

My husband is retired. I still work full time. He does absolutely everything at home, save that I make us both breakfast, put laundry in the machine and switch it on. I would not be impressed if he wasn't doing the majority of it.

You have to speak to each other and be clear that until you retire, he should be doing the majority and it needs to be equal when you do retire. Also if he doesn't do stuff, don't you do it either. The resentment will only build so you have to find a way to get through to him.

Get him to download the TOM (the organised method) app. I use it all the time. You have a room a day to do (Monday living room, Tuesday bedroom, Wednesday hall stairs and landings, Thursday kitchen and Friday deep clean of a room (rota of 8). That should take 30 mins each day plus 15 mins (total) of: hoover main traffic areas, a load of laundry and something in the bathroom. That’s housework done for the day then.

There are guided cleans on the app so you don’t even have to think about how you organise the half hour. There are also guided cleans for the 15 minutes tasks. Our house always looks clean and tidy (just the two of us at home) and it’s not at all onerous. When DH retires and joins me doing the housework I will suggest he downloads it too!!

My husband is retired and I work full time. He does virtually all the cooking and some cleaning.

However, he is renovating our house which is equivalent to having a full time job.

I retired a couple of months ago, spent a month lying around the house sleeping every afternoon, have now upcycled furniture, blitzed the house, keep it ultra-tidy, do the washing and cooking, and am already looking for a job again! After a career, being home is mind-numbingly slow and it's easy to go on side quests and forget about the main missons