Spouse support during surgery

[LucyLoo1972]

I had suffered horrific gallstone pains for three years and finally had surgery. I suffer from anxiety and was apprehensive about having a general anaesthetic and this surgery in the middle of studying for my PhD. due to childhood trauma, I was always a perosn to get on with everything myself and never ask for help. When it came ot having the operation and general, my husabnd didnt offer to accompany me for the surgery. He just dropped me off outside the hospital fro the operation. In hindsight, I realise that I could have used emotional support as I was terrified. Would you expect your spouse to accompany you for surgery?

Ah I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds so scary. Yes I would expect them to accompany me, but as someone who also is reluctant to ask for help and with a partner who also isn't particularly good at predicting when I might need support and offering it, I've realised I need to come out and ask him explicitly to give me support. Though it's hard when not used to doing that- I definitely don't ask often enough, so no judgement at all- but did you ask? Might it be worth talking about it with your spouse now in retrospect, mentioning that you would have liked them to offer because it would have felt like a show of support for you? Is your spouse usually supportive in other ways/might they have had a "reason" in their mind about why they didn't offer? (Not that that's a valid justification, because I really feel like the "decent" thing to do would be to at least ask if you want them to come with you, just that it might help you to understand and then talk it through and change things in the future). Sending you a big hug and well wishes for your recovery!

thanks - I probably didnt ask clearly enough. life has since taken a truly terribel terribel turn as I suffered an awful psychotic breakdown when I submitted my phd and in therapy it came up when my therapist thought my spouse seems kind of neglectful and oblivious to my needs. there were soem thigns he did that led into the causing a lot fo stress befroe my breakdwon. I am just wondering if I was being unreasonable or too needy. My husabnd just never wants anything to detract from his work ever really.

So sorry you had to go through that alone OP. Yes of course he should have gone with you if he knew you were anxious and scared, especially following your recent psychotic breakdown. He sounds very selfish and self absorbed if he couldn't see you were scared and needed support. How has he been since your op, has he been sympathetic and helpful or just left you to get on with it?
If you are still having therapy explore with your therapist why you felt unable to ask for help from him at the time, especially considering her negative comments about his behaviour leading up to your mental health crisis. He does not sound like caring partner at all and you were definitely not too needy.

the surgery was actually soem time before the psychosis. that happened later when I was submitting my PhD. it was only in therapy that this came up and other issues liek financial control and some other things. it all feels too late now, im so broken and I lost everythign I loved.

I’m sorry OP. That sounds scary! You’ve given us one example and told us you're not good at asking for help. That can certainly be a factor in how much help people offer.
having said that I cannot imagine having to ask for my DH to accompany me inside in this scenario. He would have wanted to support me. I have to say it’s oblivious and uncaring of your DH to not even check if you wanted help.

OP you sound like you’re blaming yourself for experiencing a mental health crisis. This is not your fault. You deserve care and compassion.

are you still in therapy now?

I do blame myself. I lost my whole life and developed chronic health issues and can't work for eight years. I lost all my friemds really and I was very well respected but worst of all I lost me. I am still in therapy - yes

I’m very sorry Lucy! You haven’t done anything wrong. You haven’t asked for this.

I know things are looking bleak now but please keep talking to your therapist. Try to make some new friends by joining groups etc.

big health issues can show us who our true friends are! Especially if you are someone who previously didnt need support it can be difficult for people.

i lost a lot of friends following unexpected illness. These life challenges show us who we really have to rely on. But they are also a chance to start afresh with people who will care when shit hits the fan.

i hope you find your people soon. They are out there. And get well soon!!!

When I went for surgery everyone was dropped off. Visitors came after the operation.

I had my operation during Covid. No one allowed in the hospital with me. When I was 4 I was in hospital for 10 days without regular visits from my parents. I was fine. I once told my DH to go home cos frankly I really didn’t expect him to sit all day with me.

No I wouldn’t expect anyone to accompany me in snd most hospitals don’t have facilities for anyone accompanying patients unless children or special circumstances. I’ve dropped dh multiple times and picked him up early evening for day surgery or other procedures, the drop down zone is literally that and a security guard shouts at you if you take more than 20 seconds! (No parking as in city, 20 minutes walk to nearest car park)

@LucyLoo1972 So sorry to hear that you have struggled with ill health since your psychotic breakdown.
Please don't blame yourself for this, it was clearly a time when you clearly needed care and compassion, which l am assuming you didn't receive from your partner.
If you are still together how is he treating you now,
and do you have any friends and/or family to support you?
It's good that you are still having therapy. l know it can be hard as it can shine a light on events that you may have ignored or buried, but keep going, even though it can be difficult and tiring.

thank you kind perosn.it has been horrendous. I don have nay family support and most of my friends left me. im like a different person. I have been through so so many terribel thigns in life and I thought I was blissfully happy. there were so many other thigns wring, this was not even the tiniest part of it all.

he doesnt treat me very well now no. its so awful for me and I have so much confusion when I was such a rational and sane person before doing academic owrk at the highest levels. I even had a research fellowship to the library of congress at one point. we never celebrated any of those wins and his behaviours put such a lot of strain on me.

you should not have needed to ask for support. It should have been there. It would not occur to either me or my husband not to be there for each other at times like this.
you deserve so much better than this. Value yourself more, he has been highly neglectful and unloving/cold.

honestly - this is the most minor thign from our marriage. if oyu tihnk thats bad its nothign compared ot other stuff. I eneded up in psychosis form stress. its too late for me now. I dot know why I couldnt seem own worth or value becasue I thought he loved me very much and id acheived so much in my life after a childhood of trauma and abuse. im so very very confused. im like a vegetable now and truly feel I have no worth now as I ended up losing everything.

You have my total sympathy and if you were my friend I would support you through this.
However if you were my friend I would also be telling you some hard truths. People demonstrate who they are through their actions, he is not demonstrating love or respect for you and you must recognise that and do what is best for you. You are clearly a clever, capable woman who is going through a dreadful patch. You can do something about this and bluntly no one is coming to rescue you.
good luck

@LucyLoo1972 l'm so sorry to hear that your life got turned upside down when previously you were thriving but honestly, it's never too late.
lt sounds like you had a breakdown from burnout which was exacerbated by stress from a difficult relationship with your husband.
You deserve much more Lucy, and you still have worth and value even though you don't, or can't, believe it. Please try to re frame things and see your life now from a different perspective but still very much worthwhile.
Examine this with your therapist and see what you can change. Your husband sounds awful so perhaps start there.You won't change him so start with yourself and make that a priority.

So torn as have most the thread somewhat maybe. But, if it’s gallstones, and I’m guessing gall bladder removal then, yes, YABU as that’s incredibly simple. If something else then, ???. I’ve had gall bladder removed and did so without DH accompanying me. I did, years prior, have another extremely serious (as opposed to gall bladder) op, and for that I had a ‘support crew’ that didn’t involve my DH at the point of surgery, but people more relevant as he is not medical in any way shape, or form. It’s all relative really.

it was just gallbladder removal

yes despite huge amounts of childhood trauma I was extraordinary capable. accomplished in many ways and I devoted mysefl to my husabnd and loved him so very very much. I think he really did love me too which is why im so confused. but im completely broken down now and such a shell of a person.

I have always just been dropped off for an operation - and dropped other people off as well (unless they needed physical help). Otherwise there would be so many people getting in the way!

I dont tihnk my husband is awful but I do think he has behaviours which caused me a lot of stress and contributed ot my breakdwon. I made another post which was connected to his financial frugality which really broke me.

I had an eye op at the elective day surgery very recently. Everyone except me brought along a companion. I’ve had several day surgeries and I never do. I think this is more to do with me and my ability to connect with other people rather than them being neglectful. I got myself there on the bus. Husband would dropped me and stayed if I had wanted him to. He did collect me, but I would probably have struggled home with an Uber had the hospital allowed that! I have unresolved childhood PTSD which I attribute to my ‘antidependence’. But I did get chatting to one of the companions whilst her patient was down in surgery (it was one at a time, and I was the last of three). That was all I needed really.

But had I wanted my husband there, I would have felt deeply upset if he could have been there but didn’t recognise that I needed him. This would definitely be a conversation to be had.

I only know now that I also have unresolved CPTSD from childhood but that only came out after I had the terribel breakdwon that I had. and yes it made me super independent too. too much so in that I didnt ask for help when I really needed it, not just in this scenario btu many others too leading up to my breakdown.