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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is he doing? Actions and words differ - saying one thing but doing something different

14 replies

Kittyscurlytail · 18/11/2025 22:40

I don't know where to start with thing.

I am with my fiance a number of years. It's a long term engagement and I am having cold feet about the whole thing.

Within 6 months of our engagement, the sex life between us started dwindling from his side.

I am too tired to write a long post.

Everything else is beginning to fade. I stopped making an effort within the bedroom about two years ago in 2023. This was after years of a gap from his side. I was so sick of things being one sided.

We don't sleep together any more. The last time I asked him was a few months ago and he made an excuse and I didn't ask him again.

Up until recently we still had little dates. He always made an effort outside of the bedroom. But lately he's not any more. He was always there to help me whenever I needed anything. Now, not so much. He's letting me down more and more. Like leaving me to struggle in the rain to catch a bus instead of giving me a lift whereas before he used to help me.

A few weeks ago I found a laptop on his bedroom floor. He doesn't work in an office or work from home. He really has no work to be doing on a laptop and it hit me in that, I think he's likely watching porn. I think maybe he might have an addiction to it where he needs it to get to sleep or something. I don't know.

I was never against porn per se but I never realised things would turn out to be like this.

We work different schedules too and we don't have any more dates either.

I don't understand it. Up until very recently, he would anything for me outside of the bedroom. Maybe he realised that he was failing in the bedroom so he tried to make up for it in other ways. Now I notice much more dwlinding. Everything from communications to physical acts.

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/11/2025 22:43

I think this relationship has run it's course.
You've both checked out.
Call it a day.

Kittyscurlytail · 18/11/2025 22:48

Beamur · 18/11/2025 22:43

I think this relationship has run it's course.
You've both checked out.
Call it a day.

I don't understand. If that's how he feels, why doesn't he talk to me instead of leading me on? He rang me earlier and I couldn't stomach to take a call right now. Why make an effort phoning me if he has checked out?

OP posts:
IvedoneitagainhaventI · 18/11/2025 22:58

Porn addiction affects the brain. It makes men incapable of normal real life relationships.
You should end things with him OP for your future happiness.

176509user · 18/11/2025 22:58

He’s checked out,OP because he’s not making any effort within the relationship.

If he was invested in the relationship and hadn’t checked out, you wouldn’t be feeling the way you are would you ?

Go with how he makes you feel.
He’s not making you feel good. So what’s in it for you ?

He makes you feel unwanted. Time for you to check out too. Don’t try to salvage the relationship based on how things used to be. People change, grow apart.
Move on and find someone who treats you right. Don’t waste any more time on him and focus on you !

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 18/11/2025 23:03

You don't have to wait for him to confess about porn watching. You can end the relationship right now. Because it's no longer enhancing your life.
Why wait? And what exactly are you waiting for? Go and find someone who values you the way you deserve.

JustSomeMama · 18/11/2025 23:07

Would it be of benefit for you both to sit down and talk about this instead of assuming he has a porn addiction etc.? This situation could have a number of explanations which none of us here will be able to really give you.

I mean it could be porn, it could be an affair, it could be a low libido caused by stress, trauma, substance use or a health condition, it could even be that he's gay. We just won't know. He's the only one who can explain this to you. Once you have his reasons you can figure out if this is worth saving/working on or whether it's time to check out.

WaryHiker · 19/11/2025 04:38

Kittyscurlytail · 18/11/2025 22:48

I don't understand. If that's how he feels, why doesn't he talk to me instead of leading me on? He rang me earlier and I couldn't stomach to take a call right now. Why make an effort phoning me if he has checked out?

This is a very passive response to the situation in which you find yourself in. What you are saying is that you are sitting around and waiting for him to decide what he wants and to communicate it.

Someone with good self-esteem would state clearly what they want and what they plan to do about it.

Edited for extra word.

Seaoftroubles · 19/11/2025 07:19

Don't wait for him to decide your future OP. His interest in you has faded over the past few years and it now sounds like he can't be bothered in or out of the bedroom. You suspect porn but it could be an affair or something else entirely. You won't know unless you initiate a conversation. He's not going to by the sound of it so don't wait for him!
The whole relationship sounds very lack lustre and you are not happy, so communicate with him and find out if there's anything that might be salvaged here. If not then you know what you should do.

ButtonMushrooms · 19/11/2025 07:24

Have you talked about your relationship? You could try couples counselling, it sounds like the communication between you is not good and a counsellor would be able to help you with this.

ChewSlowlyJimmy · 19/11/2025 07:27

Sit down and talk to him, prepare what you are going to say. This could be that you are leaving or want to work this out or just trying to understand what has happened.

As to why he "leads you on" leaving requires effort. Right now he has accommodation, shared household tasks, if he wants to leave he has to find a new place to live, talk to you about ending the tenancy or selling the house. It also means he is fully responsible for everything for himself. Sad as it sounds it holds true for not just men but women in these situations too. I have a friend in a long term relationship, I have no idea what she gets from it, they live together but have completely separate lives, they don't even spend Christmas day together but go off to their "own" families.

Cannedlaughter · 19/11/2025 07:38

Some people wait for their partner to end the relationship, there’s many reasons they do this such as burying head in the sand, the blame for it ending isn’t theirs, easier to plod along etc.
I feel you are both waiting for the other one to call it a day for whatever reason.
why try to make something work that ended years ago. It’s time to take the bull by the horns and move onto the next chapter of your lives separately

moneytreeinmygarden · 19/11/2025 07:41

WaryHiker · 19/11/2025 04:38

This is a very passive response to the situation in which you find yourself in. What you are saying is that you are sitting around and waiting for him to decide what he wants and to communicate it.

Someone with good self-esteem would state clearly what they want and what they plan to do about it.

Edited for extra word.

Edited

Totally agree with this. OP- you are clearly unhappy in this relationship and it's unsurprising given what you've said. Instead of waiting around wasting time for him to fix it, tell him why you are unhappy and leave if necessary.

You have to take responsibility here for your own happiness, if you wait for others to do it for you, you will be waiting forever.

OrlandointheWilderness · 19/11/2025 08:54

long term relationships require commitment and work. You need to TALK to each other - there are obviously issues but we can’t tell you what they are, only you two can work that out.

Imbusytodaysorry · 19/11/2025 10:03

@Kittyscurlytail no sex. separate bedrooms(when did that happen )
Maybe he got engaged as he loved but didn’t find you attractive. (Sorry )

It could be any reasons . Porn, prostitutes, gay . Affairs
He could have got engaged to create and image .
Possibly you don’t know this man very well You don’t and can’t seem to communicate .

I also feel it’s time to call it a day. Leave hiM ti do whatever its is he is doing and you focus on you and your happiness .

Make your plans for a split.

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