Ending marriage if things are like this?

[JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch]

I'm stuck trying to understand if divorce is right in my circumstances. I don't really have anyone to speak to in real life.

I don't love DH anymore. I usually feel contempt for him and am quick to anger, which is not how I am generally. I don't want him in the room with me. We have had a series of disagreements, large and small, which leave me feeling a lack of respect towards him. They are hard to set out in writing. Things like, when DD was a newborn he spent a week sitting on the sofa next to me going on about whether or not his boss liked him. I was sitting there, sleep deprived and trying to get to grips with BFing, and he just went on. I didn't have it in me in the moment to ask him to stop. When I was in a stressful new job I asked him again and again to make dinner so I'd have something to eat when I got back. Again and again, he just didn't do it. Likewise when we thought it would help to have him handle one family meal a week - it just didn't happen. These things are 5/10 years ago now, but I can't let them go. Not being able to let them go feels like a failure on my part, but I can't get over it.

More recently our sex life dwindled (because I am not keen). He started to get ED, and then in an argument blamed it on my (then) recent autism diagnosis. He subsequently apologised but I can't get over it.

He has said that everything that has gone wrong in this relationship more recently is down to me; I feel like I have given up. We tried couples' therapy, the first time it improved things (and we ended up with DTs); more recently we had one session and I just sat there listening to him wanging on about everything I've done wrong and just thought - nope.

Day to day, I dislike that 4/5 of his interactions with the kids end with one of them crying. Not because he is cruel or mean to them, but because somehow they don't respond to him asking them to do something and the whole situation escalates until someone is crying. It's like he has no authority with them. I don't have this at all - they are good kids and generally listen to me. This means that DH coming home to "help" often just leads to a more drawn-out bedtime etc. The mornings that he wakes up with them always run late, because he doesn't set an alarm, and end in tears. Since noticing this I'm aware of how frequently it happens and I really dislike it.

I don't think I'm perfect. I can be rigid, and I need more quiet than most. I also don't think it's fun for him to be with a partner who doesn't want to sleep with her or spend any meaningful time together.

But:
He and I share similar ambitions for the kids
He cares about me and will sometimes share the load (with large caveats above).
He works more (and earns much more), I work less and do more with the children - broadly, day to day, things run.
There hasn't been a big falling out, an affair or an addiction or whatever.

I fantasise about divorcing him. I imagine we would share care to some degree, I would have a smaller house with the kids and be less well-off - but I think we'd be ok. I don't want a big fight or to announce that it's all his fault or whatever - I just feel like this isn't working and isn't working.

I don't love him. I don't see things improving. Is this leave territory?

Yes

Yes, I did and am so much happier.

You deserve to be happy.

You don't like him, resent him and don't respect him - yes you should leave.

I have thrown the towel in on my own marriage because I lost the trust a few years ago and despite trying just cannot see him in the same light. I resent him and that is no basis for a relationship.

Sounds very tricky living situation. And yes it is enough to leave. But, as someone on the other side who did separate, it’s not exactly a bed of roses here either. I thought I’d find a lovely guy, but six years later I’m still on my own, albeit with some experiences that ultimately went nowhere. Doing life alone is very tough I think, but it’s just able sustainable. I do look forward to the kids being grown now as I’m nearing the end of the hands on side, kids are teens.

Is it salvageable at all? Counselling?

I didn't leave, and it ended in a really crappy way as he turned out to be having affairs, and made my life hell.
No, you never know what is going to happen in the future. It might not turn out as well as you hope. But that is true whether you stay or leave.

Yes this is leave territory.

It’s toxic as toxic can be.

Yeah soentim

Yeah sometimes it’s the trade off. Some things get better if you leave, but it brings other issues as well. I feel a lot of sadness and shame that the marriage ‘failed’, but in many ways despite the loneliness and hardships I am more myself than I think I’ve ever been. Constantly having to change to cope within a relationship isn’t how it should be.

It’s also that thing of what example are you giving the kids of a relationship v those who will tell you you’re ruining the kids lives by putting them through not having their parents together.

Hard to know really.
We've stayed together over 40 years.
Both had affairs.Did the whole staying together for the kids,house,finances,I'll health.
Now at a point where the respect is zero.Seperate rooms,no sex no mutual friends and considering divorce since my audhd diagnosis.He won't discuss it.
Impossible to know if being alone in my case would just be financial ruin .
Only you know your own finances and how you would cope with two dcs .

Of course it's bloody leave territory. How could it not be?

You don't like the man, why would you stay with him?

Yes.

You don't like, love or respect each other.

You don't like being in each other's company.

He doesn't like being a father and has made no attempt to learn how.

He criticises, sounds off and blames everything on you / your autism.

He has no empathy for his own children, who may well be ND themselves.

He's doing none of the work.

Yes.

I usually feel contempt for him and am quick to anger, which is not how I am generally. I don't want him in the room with me.

That's more than enough reason to call it a day. You can still share ambitions for the kids without being together and no one needs an addiction to end things, arguably that would make things harder. Here it's a much clearer dead marriage, move on and both be happier not coming to hate each other situation.

You know, I don't see myself ever being with someone again. I wasn't much of one for dating, relationships etc - I have good friendships and am busy, and get a lot of satisfaction from that part of my life. So I sort of anticipate that I would stay single.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel so responsible for it all. I have read many old threads on MN about leaving "not awful" marriages and am thinking about it all.

In that case perhaps it would be ok. I get really lonely and find it hard. There’s not many decent ones left now! I’d say don’t rush into anything. Only you and your family have to live with the consequences of it.

Yes I’d leave. I remember the resentment I felt for things my ex did while I was pregnant & when we had a newborn. I remember hating him so much I would dream of divorce whilst I had this newborn baby due to the things he did. I stayed until my daughter was 6 but I felt contempt for him. I think once resentment & contempt start there is no going back. Even on my own I felt so much better & tbh I was doing it all myself anyway so made no difference to me. I just felt like a weight had been lifted not carrying around all the feelings of resentment anymore.

It's the worst feeling being trapped in a dead marriage. So much better to be free.

Definitely sounds like you are unhappy with him and totally within your rights to leave.

Having said that, somethings you have to let go of, totally understand the annoyance of him talking about work when you were in first week of new born, but if that was 10 years ago, holding on to it is very unhealthy (and probably led to where you are now).