Selfish DH of 21 years

[12345l]

im married to my husband and together now for 21 years this January. We have 2 kids 12 &14.

it’s been a bumpy few years following the deaths of a few family members. DH didn’t cope well and I kept everyone together and paused my studies and did what I could. To be clear it was mostly my family members that passed but it brought up past trauma for DH.

it’s been a one sided relationship ever since. Last December it came to a head and I couldn’t cope with it. Encouraged him to see someone - he saw the GP and started an Andy’s man club so he would have an outlet. The kids individually had a break down at school and the three of us begged him to see someone. Come the January things weren’t better and he continued to bury his head. I kicked him out for 4 days. It was horrible. He promised to try harder and he came home. Things have been up and down since. But the last 5 months have been awful

1. I can no longer have a conversation with him without him jumping in and making the conversation about him.
2. he doesn’t listen to me
3. he makes promises and doesn’t do them and then resents me if I do them
4. he’s been struggling with his business and stupidly I’ve tried to help. I put my own personal work on hold for a week to attend a course to help him. He promised to give me time to catch up with my own stuff and he didn’t. Instead he fell out with my eldest and left me to sort it as he couldn’t cope
5. he hijacks my conversations especially when I’m having a chat with our eldest. It becomes a heated arguments which yesterday resulted in my DH slamming to door on our eldest.
6. when I try and tell him how i feel he cries and looks frightened and sobs about it.

Yeaterday I made him aware of exactly what was the issue and that I cannot keep holiding everything together and having a one way relationship where I feel my voice is lost. I slept in with my youngest and gave my DH a list of things he needs to do. This morning my youngest was too upset to go to school and doesn’t want to speak to his dad. DH hasn’t apologised but instead has said that having listened to me he is clear on what he needs to do - which I move out after Xmas. Apparently that’s what I’ve told him to do. He’s said he wants an amicable separation and He’s told my youngest that he’s leaving.

im so cross with him for being such a coward. I have worked so hard to keep us together and support him. Why doesn’t he want to make it work by doing the same for me and our children. 21 years and he doesn’t want to try. Im currently studying and although it’s funded I’ve stoped working to do it. If he goes I can’t be on the mortgage alone. He wants to sell the house and what can I buy then for the kids and me. He’s so selfish and uncaring. I honestly hate him right now.

Your poor kids - sounds like neither of you are doing anything at all to protect them - and I include you in that.

your husband is awful and you’re well rid. But also you should reflect on how your children are being protected on this - and yes it is on you to protext
them for their fathers behaviour. Why have you kept this in such a toxic environment for so long.

I’m well aware of my duties thank you. My children have been sheltered from the situation since February when he came back. I have actually done a bloody good job at sheltering them from this hence why it blew up yesterday. I could no longer hold it together. I work really hard to keep my family together and yes I know that a toxic environment is not good - trust me I grew up with my mother threatening my father with a knife. But I love my children and my husband and I know they love their dad. Him leaving will disrupt their schooling, their home life and my ability to be here for them. So don’t presume to tell me off.

Your kids have had a horrible time
they will be aware of all of this and dad moving out and coming home
a well handled separation sounds like a plan to be honest

Honestly and kindly, let him go.

Of course you are a huge mix of emotions right now, at the end of a long relationship when you have tried to keep it all together. I'm not surprised you hate him. But there is no coming back from this, so put all your effort into you and your future with the DC.

You've tried but failed to protect the kids - the guy is a maniac and the biggest favour he's done you is to actually man up and move out. Forget him now and focus on the poor kids. You've bent over backwards for him - i think you'll see this in future.

Do you think he will go easily, OP? I agree with the others, you definitely need to split up. I can't see what else you could have done.

I'm afraid you don't have much choice here Op but to let him leave. He may have old trauma but he's hijacked your grief at losing family and used it to drop his responsabilities. The fact he used you being at the end of your tether to say he'll leave gives him the out he wants and makes it your fault, he thinks he can leave without guilt. He may be vunerable but he's hurting you and your DS, go and get some legal advice, you're going to need it

Let him go. This isnt fair on your kids - theyre having breakdowns at school? I dont think you see how much his behaviour is affecting them. You need to put them first now.

You have tried. Relationships are not easy

I get you feel hard done by, and quite a lot of what you describe sounds like him being a twat.

But

You can't force him to stay with you. You can't force him to change into a better person, just because you deserve it. This is not within your power.

Relationships consist of two people choosing to stay together, and helping one another. If he isn't doing that, your ultimate sanction is to split up. Not to somehow take control of him and force him to do it right.

Dunno, the whole narrative seems funny. Not saying you're making anything up, OP, just that I think there is a lot more going on than meets the eye.

Two things in your OP caught my attention:

"DH hasn’t apologised but instead has said that having listened to me he is clear on what he needs to do - which I move out after Xmas. Apparently that’s what I’ve told him to do. He’s said he wants an amicable separation"

The erratic behaviour, the intense self-absorption, the argumentativeness, him feeling miserable, and now his eagerness to leave and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT (to him) - that could well be because he's cheating. The fact that this behaviour started after family deaths (and they're not even his family's deaths) could be coincidental, or perhaps the family deaths gave him the excuse to cheat. The twisty self-justifications of cheaters are a marvel to behold.

"it’s been a bumpy few years following the deaths of a few family members. DH didn’t cope well and I kept everyone together and paused my studies"

Maybe he (also) wanted to sabotage you. You sound competent, calm, measured, and successful: you have your feet steady on the ground. His buisness is failing, he's not as successful as you, deep inside he resents you and wants to bring you down.

Maybe he's cheating on you BECAUSE of that resentment. Many male cheaters in particular get a thrill everytime they screw their AP and come home and kiss their unsuspecting wife's face, or have sex with her, sometimes unwashed. The thrill is that they now have a feeling of power over their wife, who they blame for everything. Because of course it's all women's fault, starting from Eve.

It sounds like it has been horribly tough. Honestly, I would take him at his word and see a solicitor. Your life will be better and that of your children.

Ultimately, you have two children in full time education who need a home. It doesn't sound like he is going to ask for 50:50 and the kids are old enough now to indicate who they want to live with full time so that will be taken into account in the disposal of assets. So I would see a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and make it happen.

Is there anywhere he could live on a temporary basis?

@12345l Firstly big hug for you.
To be honest, I suspect that he's got no intention of leaving after Christmas or otherwise. It's likely a scare tactic to force you back into line. If you look at it his way his life is perfect for him isn't it so why would he want to throw a grenade in to it????
You have tried your best to make it work against the current of his obstructiveness and it's ok to say 'I quit'. You need put you and the DC first because it's not getting better.
You say you love him but he's killed that long ago - what you 'love' is the feeling of 'family' and togetherness which is your doing not his. He's been abusive over the years so is it possible that a trauma bond has formed and that's why you think you feel love? When you've been fighting hard for as long as you have then it's the bond that feels like love because otherwise what's the point of fighting so hard - I'm staying/fighting for our marriage so it must be love? The plain answer is no it isn't love, it's desperation and blindness. Your DC are not blind and as much as you think that you have sheltered/protected them they see and feel it all. You are not breaking up the home or family it is just changing how it is and children thrive in happy units rather than bad ones.

Your marriage is over and you know that but you need to plan and plan well. Get your ducks in a row and start now.

You say that you're currently studying and it's funded? Can you pause it or get paid work on top of the study time? If you can work then do so. Get a true idea of finances, house value, his income/savings/pensions etc. Use this time to prepare. Look at local rental prices, CMS and benefit entitlements. Plan for when you're ready to make the break. He's not going any time soon because threats, gaslighting and poor behaviours have worked 100% for him so far and he expects the same now - are you going to let that happen...again?

So sorry OP, this sounds like a toxic mess despite your best efforts to support your difficult, selfish and self absorbed husband. l also don't think he will move out after Christmas, l note he blames you saying that's what you have suggested but this is probably just another threat to scare you.
Surely enough is enough though, you should encourage him to leave as how much longer can you tolerate his awful behaviour? It's so upsetting and destabilising for you and your poor children.
Time to sort out your finances, so start by gathering all important financial information and see a solicitor asap.