I have asked DH to stay at his mums for a while....

[hellogoodbye]

Hello. i don't really know if I have done the right thing. I am so fed up at the moment, I have asked my DH to go and stay at his mums for a bit. I don't want to spilt up with him for good, I just need him to realise that I am being serious and he needs to take more responsibily:

-He keeps lying to me about loads of things (money, smoking, work etc). He has even sworn on our DDs life when he has been lying!!!!!

• He is making no effort to help me with anything, I have been working so hard, taking DD with me, doing all the housework and childcare, paperwork, diy, cooking etc. I have told him so many times I cant cope with it all and I am really struggling. But he still spends all his days off playing computor games!!! He works 4 days on 4 days off, so 4 days in a row in front of the xbox!!! This is all when I worked everyday last week, with one hand all bandaged up as I burnt it and had to go to a&e

• We have no money what so ever and struggle with everything. Yet he spends money of fags, lunch out etc.

He is just so much hard work, he leaves so much mess everywhere and doesnt clean up after himself. Its like having an extra child to look after, and he is alot more hard work than my 5month old!!!!

Anyway, have asked him to go and stay at his mums for a bit, he is going tomorrow as he is working till 11pm tonight.

I just don't know if I am doing the right thing. From his mums he is going to have to get 2 buses/trains to work, which obviously takes time and money, I am worried about how much other money he is going to spent, the effect it may have on our DD etc. And also worried it may bring us furthr apart. We have only beeen married a year and not everybody approved when we did and dont want everybody to say "I told you so".

Anyway, not really sure what I am expecting/wanting from posting here but just need to talk to somebody as I havent told anybody how I have been feeling and everybody else thinks we are really happy.

Well, I would sell the xbox to get some extra cash and stop him from playing it constantly.
Then you talk to him about how his laziness is making you unhappy, and that if he keeps lying he will be spending a lot more time at his mums.

You've only been married a year and you have a child. It's very hard, and money troubles cause lots of arguments. No solution really, you just have to persevere if you want to stay together. Keep talking.

Can you talk to his mum?

Not really. We get along well ATM but have only just got over major conflicts (she didnt even come to our wedding). Although most of the arguemnets between me and his mum were caused by my Dhs lies. He blamed me to his mum and blamed his mum to me when he did anything wrong. We have got along well since we had DD but I wouldnt trust it.

Poor you. Has your dh always been like this or has it got worse since your baby was born?
Could he be in some kind of fatherhood-induced shock?
He really shouldn't lie to you though, that's awful.

He has always been like this and I know I shouldnt have let it get this far. I have always just been too scared of loosing him to do anything serious. And he never listens when I try to talk to him.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I think you've taken a step in the right direction. Is he very young?

When he comes back, try not to give him opportunities to lie to you by asking him questions. Rather, present him with the evidence and tell him how you feel. EG Don't say, have you been smoking? Say, I see there is a full ash tray again, that's disappointing, when we haven't enough money to pay the gas bill.

Also maybe rearrange your finances so that bills are paid at source before he can spend the money.

You can't make him pull his weight around the house, but you can stop doing things for him yourself and you can tell him what jobs need doing and what you yourself are going to do.

Why are you so scared of losing him? He's hardly proving to be an ideal husband. He's the one who should be scared of losing you.

I'm hearing too much guilt from you, and I can't think what you have to feel guilty about.

If he keeps treating you like this, you will eventually not be scared of losing him, you will want him out of your life. Before it gets to that stage, tell him how necessary it is that he starts acting like a husband and father instead of a teenage boy. Otherwise, I don't hold out much hope for you long term. His behaviour and your resentment will kill the relationship stone dead.

Well he took some stuff with him to work and is going straight to his mums, but doesn't finish till 11. I don't know if I should tell my family or not. I don't want to lie to them but I also dont want people sticking their noses in

My friend didn't tell any one for 2 years when her dh left her for a younger woman! She kept hoping he would come back to her.

I sympathise with her decision. Once other people know, they will interfere. But in your case, HG, you can't hide it from MIL can you?

Be up front with him and your family about things. I find it is usually the best solution!

To him - make it clear what you want / how you want him to change... and what will happen if he doesn't. You may need time to think this through before you let him back, but a bit of stewing time won't hurt him!. If he doesn't know, then he can't change. It might mean a few awkward conversations, but he can't change if he doesn't know what you want from him.

To your family, yes I would tell. Otherwise you are being a hypocrite and that would give him the chance to throw it back into your face. You're complaining that he is being dishonest, so you can't exactly conceal it - the truth will out in the end, and you lose any moral high ground you might have in trying to get him to be more honest. If you don't think family are going to be very supportive, just say "I don't want to discuss it, but...." Keep it factual, they don't need to know the details, but I don't think you can / should be dishonest about what is going on (even if that is by omission).

I personally find honesty is the best policy - I'm very clear with my hubby when he upsets me / and he is with me... same goes with my family - we have an understanding that we say what is upsetting us and we resolve it like grown ups. Hubby's family on the other hand, keep things quiet / to themselves and his family is, quite frankly, a disaster.

HTH

I have always been honest with him and he knows exactly what the problems are and what I want him to do etc. But he always has done and it hasnt helped. I have talked to him hundreds of times but he just sits and says...yer I know etc.

Spoke to his Dad today and he said that he has spoken to him over the phone (he is not local) and that DH got quite upset about it. I know it sounds mean, but I was glad as at least he is becoming a bit more aware of how serious it is. I think he has always just thought that I would never leave him so he was safe etc.