Slamming doors

[NavyFox]

Hi, my husband and I have a toxic marriage.
I have been going to counselling and become increasingly angry with him about the wrongs I feel he has done to me. I started counselling to help my mental health and relationship. But I leave feeling angry about how he's treated me over the years (not physically, just generally not been nice) so at the moment i feel even worse.

It came to a head last week. I was annoyed with him about something , tired and hungry, with a headache. He kept speaking to me but I didn't want to talk. He got angry , I told him to stop arguing with me and that I hated him and left the house. I left because it gets too much for me and I hate the arguing.

When I left he slammed the front door with such force that the bath panel came out upstairs and cracked .

Our 5.5 old baby was in his crib next to the door he slammed. I am disgusted with him and feel what he did was unforgivable.
I went home and he was aggressive with me. I convinced him to go out and get some food. From there I locked him out for the night and said we were over. This was 4 days ago. He's been back since in the day to see the baby. But I've asked him to stay at his mums overnight.
He's been upset since and wants to work it out by going couples counselling. I don't know what to do. I feel I have failed my little boy. He's such a happy baby and I don't want to make him unhappy with all this.
Have I been unreasonable in locking him out, ending it ?
Since he's not been here for 4 days. He's refusing to transfer me bills money for last month which was over 1k yet my statutory maternity pay for the month is 800. I get he's not here but it was for last month.
He has a soft side and is hurting , particularly as I told him I hated him but I can't move past the arguing and that he slammed a door by our sweet little boy.

This is a disaster all round. It sounds like there are plenty of other incidents apart from this one, but in this scenario you were being unreasonable from the start. Having a strop and saying you don't want to talk for some minor reason and then storming out isn't going to leave the person in the house calm, and locking him out isn't good either. He shouldn't have slammed the door. This is a total disaster, and you both need to grow up because right now your poor baby is being raised by immature children and doesn't stand a chance of being able to regulate their emotions with you two as an example of what to do.

Sounds like you both need to start putting the baby first

You sound as bad as each other.

What were you thinking, stropping around like a child, refusing to talk, you knew you were raising the temperature with your behaviour. And YOU were behaving like that around your baby. And then he slammed a door.

And now you’ve kicked him out of his home. Rather than deal with your issues. That is unreasonable.

You both need to grow up and put baby first.

Incredibly irresponsible behaviour from both of you. Both of you need to put the poor baby first and stop acting like spoilt children yourselves.
What wrongs has he done you in the past that counselling has brought up and that you are now reacting to so strongly?
Seriously you must know that your own behaviour is unacceptable and that refusing to speak to him just inflamed the situation? Also locking him out of his own house was totally unreasonable. You both need to calm down, behave like adults and think of your little one.

Getting angry just escalates a situation - it's not good for you or the baby and it triggers the other person. It sounds like you both have communication issues.

It’s really hard when you have a baby, but I think you do need to sit down and talk about what’s important. When we are tired and sleep deprived anger can come quickly.

you loved and married him and have a baby, you need talk and fine avenues to quell anger

He doesn't communicate with me and lies , then gaslights . He's lied to me for 7months about an issue . He made out I was causing arguments and gaslighting me. But has since admitted I was right and he had a problem, he just didn't want to tell me.
All the trust has gone, that killed it. I was pregnant and going out of my mind with worry about what was wrong . He refused to tell me.

The issue i was annoyed over was me asking him to help decorate the baby's room during pregnancy. He refused but i couldn't do it as you cant use paint pregnant. I told him i would struggle when baby here with time etc. He ignored it.

i am now trying ro decorate the babys room alone but interuppted with the baby. It looks rubbish as i keep losing track of where i painted to and am now having to look at a professional. It's so frustrating. I just wanted a nice room for the baby.

That's the catalyst but there is a lot of resentment and hurt over other things.
He didn't support me during pregnancy, post partum or BF. Told me to stop worrying about the birth and women do it all the time.
3 weeks pp I was so so down..physically poorly, mentally exhausted, worried about incontinence and massively struggling with BF. He told me at 3 week he was sick of me , I was so negative and causing problems. At the time it did kick me to go support groups but I look back and feel angry he didn't support me.

Other random examples are honeymoon. I was very poorly with what I believe to be norovirus. He didn't believe me for some reason and thought I was being dramatic . He moaned about getting me water and me not sitting at the pool. I couldn't get out of bed other than with the trots! I felt absolutely dreadful and alone.

I left the house after saying i didn't want to argue , that I felt unwell etc (I did). But he argues so much. His mum says he's argumentative and it's impossible (she's not even aware of our issues). I didn't want it to escalate so I left the house. We have a previous agreement about leaving the house or going into another room to calm down if things are escalating.

The two of you sound toxic and fucking awful. Split up and sort yourself out for the sake of this baby FFS

Also how does being pregnant mean that you can’t paint? No wonder he’s pissed off if you’re coming up with crap like that

You can't paint due to the fumes, look it up. It's NHS guidance 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry but is your counsellor helping or hindering...any session that ends with you leaving feeling angry is not hitting the mark. Your marriage has zero chance if it's about rehashing previous disagreements and going home to raise them again or being passively aggressive towards husband.

I am not defending him, he sounds as dreadful as you tbh.

Unless you think you can work this out, which I doubt if all trust is gone. Look at your finances and current living arrangements and work out how to move forward as a single parent. Don't ask him to pay the mortgage and bills on your home, get a maintenance agreement in place and think about your long term future finances.

OK OP, there's a lot more to it than just door slamming. He sounds, awful but you've known for a long time so why were you hoping things, were going to be different? Men don't change and he's clearly showed you who he is.
Now you have added a baby into this toxic mess your priority must be for your child. Instead of flying off the handle don't expect anything from him, prioritise yourself and your child and get help for extra tasks that need doing. Can you a enlist your mums help or even his mum? Then think very carefully about your future with this low effort man. I'd be a planning to separate as there's too much to resolve here.

You and he should no longer be together. If there is no trust there is no relationship. Nor can you save a failed marriage on your own.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not.

Do not continue to raise your child in such a toxic environment. That’s on you also if you do.

It sounds like separating is the right thing to do OP. I don’t you sound unreasonable but just hurt and let down.

There is financial support available for single parents on a low income - look for an online benefits calculator to see what might be applicable to your situation. Then look on the CMS website to see what support your XP should provide.

Also have you spoken to your counsellor about the anger that the sessions are producing? They might have some tools to channel this, or help you process.

Oooh sorry your getting a hard time on here OP.

Some of this comments are victim blaming.... your behaviour didn't cause him to start being aggressive... his lack of regulation and self control did that. Your not responsible for his reaction or his behaviour.

The fact he's refusing to now pay essential bills is very telling about his character. Go to child maintenence.

Have you looked into financial support as a single parent?

Well done for ending the relationship whilst having such a young baby, a lot of people would stay together and let their baby think this was a normal way to live

Of course you can paint a sodding room. I painted all my babies' nurseries when pregnant. You sound demanding and difficult and he sounds at the end of his tether. Neither of you comes out of this well. You've thrown him out (which you have no right to do) and are still demanding he pays for a house you won't let him in. I feel sorry for your child.

NHS Guidance is to avoid harsh chemical fumes when pregnant, btw - eg stripping back old lead based paint or bringing asbestos down. And frankly, even doing this you'd be ok with a mask on. You are now complaining that you can't remember where you painted to - you're just making excuses because you think someone else should do the work.

You can love someone buy not be right for each other.

You both will damage your child if you carry on with this behaviour.

Yes I do think he should do the work and make an effort for his child. You can't paint whilst pregnant. If you chose to risk your baby's health, that's on you.
I have had to use primer on the walls, there's absolutely no chance I would use that whilst pregnant . It stinks!

With kindness painting a nursery is a luxury which can wait. You seem to be focusing on this when the reality is your relationship is in meltdown and you may be living elsewhere shortly unless you can afford the house on your own.