Postpartum need to control

[hearts1989g]

Looking for postpartum and relationship support/advice as a first time mum to a 3 month old.

Finding that I am constantly nit picking or pulling partner up on things which is upsetting him now and causing issue in our relationship.

he is a fantastic and hands on parent that is financially supporting me through maternity no question.
I have taken on more parenting duties naturally but also we have other things happening at present that he needs to give attention to until it’s resolve.

my mother is very passive and constantly nit picks my dad, and from the outside it would seem nothing he does is good enough. Part of me feels I have assumed this behaviour based on what I know? Regardless, I am aware of this behaviour from me and desperately want to stop but I can’t?

how I feel doesn’t necessarily fit the bill of post partum anxiety/depression; intrusive thoughts, distrust, need to control and ‘know better’ that is manifesting in nit picking and controlling behaviour.

separately I have no interest in sex and physical intimacy. My libido has not returned and I’m uncomfortable in my new post partum body. This is also effecting my partner.

i love him desperately but feeling a disconnect and need help to navigate my thoughts, feelings and behaviours in this new season of life.

I felt nitpicky, too. For the first two weeks dd was home, when dh was holding her, I left the room to wash up or put the kettle on - something, anything. If I wasn’t in the room, I couldn’t find anything to criticise. After that, I was more relaxed in my feelings and could enjoy watching them together.

I would talk positively. “Mummy is going to have a shower so you are having Daddy cuddles now. There’s nothing like a Daddy cuddle, is there? Those broad shoulders are so comfy for resting on” and so on.

Dh would bath with dd every day in the afternoon and those 15 minutes saved my sanity. I would just know every day that I would have that time to myself to wash dishes, prep dinner or something. It was fantastic for their relationships, too, with all the skin contact.

It took time but I did relax over most things. A few times with crying or something, dh would be trying his best but I would take over saying “my biology is taking over now”.

It took a while for us to get intimate again, too. Dh just had to suck that one up. As I was breastfeeding, I got to sleep for about three hours at a time max. Often less. I told him that any time he wanted to live on my sleep schedule and function in a sociable manner still, for a week, we could discuss sex.

You have a tiny baby. You're naturally being watchful and wary of anyone around this defenceless creature. Also your body really doesn't want another one for quite some time! Normal. Is it you or your partner who needs to go a bit easier on yourself?

@TheSandgroperthanks so much for sharing your experience and I will definitely try Emily some of your techniques to ensure I don’t immediately jump in and criticise.

I do find however his techniques are different to mine and I just can’t bear to watch him play out his when the baby purple cries and I know exactly what needs to be done?
for example, the baby purple cries and he waits for him to self sooth as baby had shown he can do this (when in a calm relaxed state as base point). I lost it at him because he allowed a distressed cry prolong when we all should know a 3 month old cannot self sooth from that state.

i am combi feeding. Partner may take one bottle feed in a 24 hour cycle. I manage the majority of settling the baby and any night feeds Between breast and bottle my body aches and I am tired.

@Summerhillsquarei just don’t think my approach is helping anyone but I am finding it difficult to communicate and navigate over all from sex drive or lack of, to sense of urgency or approach to baby care.
i do need to be easier on myself but I definitely do live in a heightened anxiety state and castastrophise things (as in I jump to him leaving me or justified in cheating because I couldn’t bring sex back to where it was ) - he would never but it’s how my brain works.

I was possessive of my newborn. It will pass as they grow and stop being so vulnerable.
I didn’t nit pick but used to get very upset/emotional with some of it I feel being justified though. Like when 2 weeks after my c section my DP announced he is going to take my DC to his boss’s house because her family were all there and wanted to meet the baby. (I’ve never met this person once in the 10 years we have been together). I couldn’t bare the thought of being separated with my baby. Would be more than happy today but in the newborn stage, your baby still feels like an inseparable part of you

I just feel that it’s in part laziness, Iv told him what works. He doesn’t do it and I have to take the baby but he’ll then dispute that it was my nit picking. I’m worn out.

Not unusual at all.

First of all, you are right about the self soothing method not working for everyone. All the baby is learning is that no one is going to respond to them if distressed, and yes - they cry less, but it is because they know no one is coming. But, this is my opinion and I now that people disagree with this theory.

It is biologically ingrained for you to respond to your baby’s cries, and so if you don't it almost becomes painful - it did to me. I spoke to my DH about this, and said that it feels like my brain is rattling in my skull from her cries and it is painful to ignore her (my eyes would water from the sound). It used to trigger my fight mode, and I would get so angry at my DH. I know he was doing his best to try and get her to sleep, but her cries were too much when all I needed to do was breastfeed her for comfort. Like I said, it is biologically ingrained, and is also the reason why I would wake up automatically from a small baby squeak and my husband can sleep through anything.

The nitpicking sounds normal too, but I found it was because I was so tired and stressed I couldn’t phrase things in a polite way, and add the occasional crying baby - it was a little much. I was too blunt, and super sensitive to anything that was going to make my life harder (making her cry longer etc). For me it was postnatal stress and anxiety, and I experienced this to the point where I was livid at my husband for washing clothes of different shades together and completely overreacted (I have a complicated system for washing in a house of 7), and my mother’s shocked face said it all. I also used to find it hard to sleep worrying about small things - nappy rashes, if the baby is too hot/cold/sick and I felt like something awful was going to happen. So, lack of sleep and added hormones / stress is maybe why you are more reactive and nitpicking, and it probably is not great being on the other side of that. The catastrophizing might be a symptom of postnatal anxiety (I would know!), and it might worth talking to your GP about that.

Reduction of sex drive is also normal (well for me). I found breastfeeding to be the main reason for my lack of sex drive, not surprising at it changes our hormones so much. As soon as I stopped it all came back in full force. Also, broken sleep and stress didn’t help either.

The postnatal period is pretty hard, but I found it easier once I could sleep well.

Good luck OP.