help!!!

[SpoonyLemur]

has anyone been with a partner with no/lack of emotional awareness? what did it look like and what did you do?

In what way?

I mean i dont have emotions like other people.

Yep my partner has very little emotional awareness, but turns out he probably is autistic, but was so high functioning that nobody suspected it until very recently (he's nearly 40!) The experience...felt like he wasn't empathising or acknowledging my emotions, wasn't sensitive, sometimes said things that were very hurtful but not with the intention to hurt me but because he values honesty very highly. To deal with it, we had lots of conversations to try to understand what his thought process was when he said something I found hurtful/didn't respond, did lots of research into neurodiversity, got interested in partner's childhood and tried to notice his relationship dynamics with his own parents. Lots of conversations, but with minimal judgement or pressure - instead with a gebuine interest to understand and improve the relationship on both sides. After he realised he's likely autistic we both learned loads about autism, we also saw a couples therapist who specialises in neurodiversity who gave us relationship tips. Now I'm very honest when he does/says/doesn't say something that ends up feeling hurtful, and try to respond without reacting/assigning blame but instead explain clearly "when X happened, I was feeling like Y and so when you did Z, I felt A. If something like that happens again, it would really help if you instead did/said B." Gradually it's helping. How is your experience with your SO?

Yes but then again both me and partner are autistic so and don't do emotions much lol

i’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and i’ve only just discovered this could potentially be a problem, i’ve spent almost a year wondering why he’s so insensitive to me! i’m struggling with depression and pmdd and everytime i have a down phase he doesn’t really sympathise, he hits me with all these solutions, says things like “you’re not helping yourself”, starts giving me lectures about how i should just control my emotions and just get out the house to make me feel better, he says things like “i can’t fix you im not your therapist”. he thinks i can control my emotions and depression/pmdd is just a “state of mind”. he doesn’t really talk about his own emotions, i’ve never seen him upset or cry as he thinks showing emotion is a sign of weakness. don’t get me wrong sometimes he doesn’t show empathy, gives me a cuddle and strokes my hair but anything after that he turns back to being insensitive! i’ve brought this issue up with him, googled the traits and told him he has most of them and said i think he lacks emotional awareness and it doesnt even process in his head theres anything wrong, either hes in denial and doesnt want to admit it or he genuinely is clueless. i’ve told him loads it affects me a lot and he just doesn’t understand. there’s been countless arguments, tears, walking out on eachother & not speaking i just don’t know what to do anymore

hey! i replied to this but didn’t click ‘quote’ accidentally! would appreciate you reading my reply in the thread

i’ve told him loads it affects me a lot and he just doesn’t understand. there’s been countless arguments, tears, walking out on eachother & not speaking i just don’t know what to do anymore

You should break up because you're not compatible emotionally and because you make each other unhappy.

It doesn't need to be anyone's fault. He is who he is, you are who you are, you can't change each other. It's OK to end a relationship that isn't working.

it’s just that in every other aspect of our relationship he’s perfect, he’s mature, has great morals, we have the same life goals, he’s motivated & driven, funny, he’s clean and tidy & looks after himself and he’s so gentle and caring with me - it’s just this 1 thing we don’t seem to agree on and it feels such a waste to give up after being together for only 2 years, i only brought the lack of emotional awareness up a few days ago so i keep thinking maybe he just needs time to process it and not think it’s an attack so we can start working on it together. i’m working on myself by going to therapy and trying to handle my depression and pmdd, it’s just on his part!

Not everyone is equipped to deal with other people's mental health issues.

It doesn't necessarily mean they lack emotional awareness.

Sometimes being in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression can be incredibly draining, and you're never really sure when the next 'episode' will hit and affect you both.

It's difficult because even when you have things going on for yourself that you need to deal with, the person suffering with their mental health can be quite demanding even though it's not their fault.

This was my thinking. Not to be unkind but if OP is struggling with depression and potentially relying heavily on her boyfriend for support then he might just be over capacity. The lack of emotional awareness might be his head shutting down to help him cope.

True, it coukd be loads of things. You mention he had lots of traits when you googled - which ones did you notice? Agree it could also be burnout, or just not high emotional intelligence/ less empathy. I feel like lots of people are very quick to propose breaking up but like you say, you've been together 2 years and everything in the relationship is great besides - seems a bit rash to just end things without first trying to address the issue! Perhaps first ask your therapist to help you work out why he may be showing low empathy, then from there learn all you can about it including strategies? The list of autism traits sounds quite generic so can be falsely applied to lots of people who don't have autism, I'd also look into burnout, empathy fatigue, atypical presentations of depression, narcissistic personality disorder (again be careful with this as many are fast to label people a narcissist when they aren't), etc. Sending you a hug ❤️

It may sound weird to try to apply a label, the reason I'm suggesting looking in case there is a mental health label is because then it can really help to give a starting point to understand motivations/what he's thinking, and which strategies are likely to be effective or not

No

i’ve brought this issue up with him, googled the traits and told him he has most of them and said i think he lacks emotional awareness and it doesnt even process in his head theres anything wrong, either hes in denial and doesnt want to admit it or he genuinely is clueless.

Also, I don't think this is right ^^

You can't just decide someone is a certain 'label' just because you don't like the way they struggle to deal with your depression.

We could all pretty much decide someone is 'something' when we don't like how they act, and Doctor Google will back us up every single time.

No wonder that caused a row!

I’m sorry OP but you can’t change another person and it sounds like you’re trying to. This won’t work. If he recognises how his behaviour is impacting you and wants to behave differently then that’s fine. But you can’t wish/persuade/cajole him into being someone he’s not.
By telling you to just stop feeling emotions he’s dismissive and unkind. It might be that the emotion is too much for him or that he’s not capable of supporting you in the way you need him too.
I was in a relationship with an avoidant who couldn’t deal with any kind of conflict whether perceived or actual. He retreated into himself and ghosted me regularly, refusing to communicate or resolve any challenges we faced, however minor. I tried so hard to work with his responses to the extent I minimised my own needs and people pleased to keep the peace. In that I lost a lot of myself. The only way to deal with the disrespectful behaviour was to leave. Our feelings weren’t equitable and I was flogging a dead horse. This may be the case for you too sadly.

I was seeing someone for a few years. Then Covid hit which killed the relationship off. He then used to message on and off for years. Have been reading up on Avoidant Emotional people. Him to a tee.

I wasted my time on him emotionally. Don’t be me.

maybe saying lack of social awareness is harsh! but he’s a firm believer of mental health not being real, he thinks they’re just labels and thinks depression/pmdd/anxiety or whatever isn’t real, he says they’re a state of mind and we all control our minds so i guess he just doesn’t understand enough to be the kind of support i personally need

It's really sad that he won't acknowledge your mental health challenges, I'm sorry he says that (and hope you know it isn't true, mental health conditions are real ofc). It's pretty insensitive - while you're navigating such difficulties you need lots of support and understanding, not somebody who's not going to deny your experience. Denial of the existence of mental illness isn't a feature of autism that I've ever heard of 😔 I'd suggest to trust your gut on this one