DH and I have such different approaches to parenting and we need help

[thewindowisopensosthatdoor]

DH and I have two children, a nearly five year old and a two year old. I think it’s probably fair to say that I’ve unintentionally fallen into the bad cop role but lately I feel like our DS’s behaviour has taken a significant turn for the worse and we just aren’t dealing with it well at all.

I know I am being a bit vague and it isn’t intentional … it’s just hard to explain what I mean. Has anyone had very different approaches to their partner? I feel undermined by DH but we’ve ended up arguing about it in front of DS which isn’t ideal of course

Is anyone able to help a bit? Maybe this would be better in parenting.

Yes we have had this problem. We had to sit down after the kids were in bed and have a conversation where we figured out how to get on the same page as each other. Our issue was that we are both strong boundaried but DH tends towards being too authoritarian and left alone, he comes up with ludicrous threats like ‘no screen time for a week if you don’t finish your dinner’ for a 3 year old, which are fundamentally making it hard to be fair and ensure the consequences fit the behaviour and he needed to kick it down a notch or three. So talking it through and giving him better strategies to achieve the same goal worked for us but we weren’t dealing with one of us being overly permissive which I think is a lot harder to solve because it’s very hard to make someone like that understand why boundaries are so important for children’s wellbeing.

Go to a local parenting class or get a book and commit to their programme. Consistency is the thing whatever programme you use.

Would your DH be up for reading a book about parenting, maybe like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk (little kids version)? We found reading the same parenting books, discussing them with each other and working out what we liked and wanted to try, worked really well.

I'd recommend starting with a conversation about your expectations for behaviour and make sure you're roughly on the same page there first. I think it can be confusing for children if the major boundaries aren't clear, and it will cause conflict between you and DH.

Then you can talk about behaviour management. In that case I think it can be ok for parents to have slightly different approaches - you are different people, after all. Children need to get used to different personalities. School/childcare settings/grandparents will do it differently again. And sometimes you might find one of you gets a better outcome than the other and you can both learn from that.

Parenting can be a bit trial and error in some cases and the most important thing is to find an approach that works for you and your children. And that may change as they grow up, too. Try not to get too absolutist and set in stone with things.

I’m softer on DS & will try to find compromise, ways of letting him “win” but still getting the outcome we want, ie bedtime etc…

DH just bellows “behave yourself!” which doesn’t compute with a 5 year old. If anything, it’s a red rag to a bull. It’s not easy!