If you have/were separated and you shared children…

[Separatehelp]

How old were they and how did they cope?

I have 2 children, aged 8 and 11 and I don’t know how I can keep going in this marriage. I’m miserable, he’s miserable, it’s a horrible environment for us all.

I’m worried about how it’s going to affect my kids 😢

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here. Your relationship to your current h is affecting them now.

Do not stay in such a marriage because of the children. They are picking up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you two. Better to feel the fear of divorce and do it anyway. Seek legal advice asap. You do not have to act on it immediately and knowledge here is power.

My parents have stayed in an unhappy marriage and so has my husbands parents so we have both grown up not seeing what a normal marriage is like.

All I know is that I don’t want my children to ever feel trapped in a marriage like what I do.

My 11 year old asked me a couple days ago if I was divorcing her dad and I said oh no don’t be silly. But I know she’s frightened of it and I feel so bad that she’s so aware of what’s going on.

I left ex when ds was 2yrs 2 months, after two years trying to get ex to share any of the load of caring/parenting. He had never once got up in the night, even at weekends, and only changed a nappy on five occasions.

It became clear that ex had no intention of doing anything and expected me to cook/clean/wash/iron/care for ds while he carried on playing tennis, getting drunk and going on car weekends, so I moved back to my home town, got a job, rented a flat.

The sad thing was ds at 2 didn't notice he wasn't around any more. And oddly, ex spent more time with ds because he had to make an effort or not see him at all.

My youngest was 10. He was happier without his angry dad at home.

I was able to create the relaxed, happy home I dreamed of. Yes it was a shame no dad there or partner for me, but we were able to relax at home and that made it all worth it.

Good luck.

My children were pretty much the same ages when we separated. It’s been 18months since then and a year since he moved out. Everyone has coped really well. The kids move between houses happily. They take their stuff and have their own stuff at each house. My exh and I are both MUCH happier and have new partners. We are amicable and communicate really well about both the kids and the divorce.

Thanks both.

Thats exactly what I want, a relaxed home. Not one that has to be pristine and doesn’t look lived in.

I want to have a pet to love, as do the kids which my husband won’t allow.

I want so many things that I can’t or I’m not allowed to have.

I just feel terrible for the little ones.

@ExperiencedTeacher thats great to hear!

I'm in the same position, although children are slightly older. I've been unhappy for a long time, but recently something's shifted and I know I can't go on with the lack of communication, affection and intimacy. We rarely argue, so I do wonder how much the kids pick up, and whether they're aware that this isn't how a relationship should be?

I imagine the current environment being worse for the children than, say, ending up in split custody between two households. They will hopefully get to see you and their father in a happier place. If you are both able to be amicable then it need not be difficult and can work really well for everyone. Just that daunting first conversation to be had but trust me it’s a massive relief getting past that hurdle.

The thing that worries children is not knowing. If you separate amicably and co-parent, create two equitable homes then this will be ok for them. I think it’s far worse to give shitty relationship models to DC.

Yes, I think I'd be hell of a lot happier - surely being a happier mother is a positive thing. I do feel guilty though, that my feelings/actions will completely change their worlds. Their dad seems content just to cruise along pretending everything's fine, so I would be the one instigating a separation. I'm now thinking not if but when that might happen though.

I think about the future, what if I make a mistake leaving and I end up unhappier on my own.

With regards to the children the thought of having to share them on Christmas Day.

I know I need to have a chat with him but I just know it’s not going to go well, there will be arguing and tears and it’s going to be awful, but it has to happen.

Same here, am dreading 'the chat'. We've discussed it a bit, but I think he's in denial about how bad things have got. I'm thinking about trying to get past Christmas before broaching the subject. I've recently started therapy, which is helping in trying to address my own needs for a change, rather than putting everyone else first. Good luck OP, none of this is easy.

3 yrs old for my child. I think it's easier when they are younger, although I was 11 when it happened to me, I don't remember it being particularly awful & I don't remember home arguments etc, but I was shipped off to boarding school which wasn't great.

I can trot out the old line that it's better to have 2 happier calmer environments for the kids than a single angry full of conflict one, and I do believe it, but honestly I'd far far prefer it wasn't the case but staying together was just intolerable.

A few yrs later child is happy & thriving, both parents do beat themselves up over it though & are possibly some child behaviour issues that could be related, but are a few other factors, like 1 set of the childs grandparents dieing etc & leaving a big hole that could also be factors.

Toddlers, no choice as he left, they don’t have any memory of us together, it has affected them deeply but that’s because he has chosen to to see them and has no contact with them

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Mine were 5 and 2, they are now 10 and 7. I wouldn’t say they love us living apart, but they are used to it and going between me and their dad is normal for them. My youngest has no memories of us being together, and my oldest’s memories are vague. My youngest says he’d prefer it if we were all living together. It is not what I wanted for them, but it’s the best it can be. I don’t believe they are traumatised by it.