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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to give ‘space’

12 replies

Summersalt · 15/11/2025 07:12

Going through a particularly rough patch with DH, married for 15 years.
I would say we have classic anxious/avoidant thing going on with me being the anxious one. I think we both need space but I find it incredibly hard to stop reaching out to him constantly trying to get him to see my point of view. It’s exhausting and gets me nowhere. How do I calm myself and let things be?

OP posts:
Summersalt · 15/11/2025 08:43

Anyone any advice? Feeling pretty desperate right now and not really anyone I can talk to in real life

OP posts:
IvedoneitagainhaventI · 15/11/2025 08:49

I sympathise very much with you OP because I'm very much a person who can't let things go and constantly need to keep discussing things.

Are you both still living together? Because one of you moving out temporarily is the only way I could see giving each other space a chance of working?

Seaoftroubles · 15/11/2025 08:53

I would suggest you have some counselling to address your anxiety. It will help you to understand your reactions and how to regulate yourself.
Also meditation can be helpful, l like the guided ones, very soothing and grounding. I feel for you, anxiety can be overwhelming.

Lilly11a · 15/11/2025 08:56

Slightly left field but take up running / gym/ swimming any exercise really without your oh. It will run off your adrenaline and also take eg 3 hours a week so gives some space

ezzemma · 15/11/2025 09:02

First stop over explaining yourself because he will see it from his point of view, the same way you see it from your point of view.
Spend an agreed amount of time part no contact.
Try counselling if that’s not you thing , speak on each other half for example, I can see your annoyed because of ———- this is why I suggest.
he does the same , then you can see if you understand each other’s point of view

Summersalt · 15/11/2025 09:15

Thank you so much for your replies, it really helps. Yes we are still very much living together in the family home, we have 2 teenage dc. I’ve not slept a wink last night otherwise I would definitely have hit the gym this morning.
I think I will look into counselling, I’m very aware that part of the issue is how I handle his avoidance. I feel very emotionally dependent on him and it breaks my heart thinking of splitting up. I feel a bit pathetic really.

OP posts:
duckfordinner · 15/11/2025 09:21

Explore why you are so emotionally dependent on him. Maybe you need to invest more into your self, new hobbies/interests? You don’t have to live an enmeshed life with your other half. It’s better for the relationship and will re set the power imbalance you have right now.

Summersalt · 15/11/2025 10:04

duckfordinner · 15/11/2025 09:21

Explore why you are so emotionally dependent on him. Maybe you need to invest more into your self, new hobbies/interests? You don’t have to live an enmeshed life with your other half. It’s better for the relationship and will re set the power imbalance you have right now.

Completely agree, I do have lots of friends and go out without him a lot but actually I could probably do with focusing on my career more. I only work part time and now my kids are older I could definitely work more.
I think the crux of the problem is he isn’t overly affectionate and when things go wrong I just jump to ‘he doesn’t love me, we’re over’ and it sends me spiralling every time.

OP posts:
Subwaystop · 15/11/2025 11:08

For me, sometimes when I’m dealing with behavior I want to stop, it helps to use a habit tracker app to track how long I’ve gone not doing it.

So I set the app to say “no more doing x”. And the counter would start counting seconds, minutes, then hours and days, weeks and months. At first it’s so hard, but it gets easier and easier as the counter counts up.

So whenever I would have the compulsion to do x, I would look at the tracker and say: look, I’ve gone a half hour without doing out. It makes me feel like I’m DOING something, which I have such a strong urge towards. Action. It’s inaction that’s so difficult.

At first I usually am just focused on counting bits of time, and as the compulsion lessens, I start to focus on shifting priorities. Where can I channel my energy instead? Working, a book, a treat, an exercise. I’d push myself pretty hard to redirect my energy. I’ll often keep looking at the timer in the early days and with time I will forget about it. I have a timer to quit too much coffee that’s at like years, have forgotten about it!

For me this helps deal with early days of trying to change a behavior because I’m intense and can need a strong push to pivot. I’m not one of those people that can tell themselves “just stop” and actually stop. So measuring bits of progress helps me.

Summersalt · 15/11/2025 11:37

Subwaystop · 15/11/2025 11:08

For me, sometimes when I’m dealing with behavior I want to stop, it helps to use a habit tracker app to track how long I’ve gone not doing it.

So I set the app to say “no more doing x”. And the counter would start counting seconds, minutes, then hours and days, weeks and months. At first it’s so hard, but it gets easier and easier as the counter counts up.

So whenever I would have the compulsion to do x, I would look at the tracker and say: look, I’ve gone a half hour without doing out. It makes me feel like I’m DOING something, which I have such a strong urge towards. Action. It’s inaction that’s so difficult.

At first I usually am just focused on counting bits of time, and as the compulsion lessens, I start to focus on shifting priorities. Where can I channel my energy instead? Working, a book, a treat, an exercise. I’d push myself pretty hard to redirect my energy. I’ll often keep looking at the timer in the early days and with time I will forget about it. I have a timer to quit too much coffee that’s at like years, have forgotten about it!

For me this helps deal with early days of trying to change a behavior because I’m intense and can need a strong push to pivot. I’m not one of those people that can tell themselves “just stop” and actually stop. So measuring bits of progress helps me.

I absolutely love this idea, I will definitely give it a go. It could help with lots of other things too. Thank you for sharing

OP posts:
Imbluedalale · 15/11/2025 13:14

Have a read of ‘Master detachment and watch everything chase you’ xx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/11/2025 13:31

I have been in this dynamic and the relationship broke up (just before our baby was born! Nice guy!)
jimmy on relationships is good one to follow on insta and to get him to watch some videos too as it’s a man explaining it to a man. Maybe some counselling - couples if he’s up for it. A man should care if him pulling away makes you feel awful and scared and should be reassuring as he communicates need for break or time out or space during conflict - not just shut off and stone wall you. Also get him to read women are from mars/venus book - it’s a bit mysoginistic but a good starting point to show the gaps in needs and communication. Maybe listen to it in the car together.

the only real control is over what you can do for yourself though - exercise and getting strong, and dropping doing chores or kin keeping for him is a good starting point. Journal. Please DO tell your trusted friends! Don’t pretend all is perfect I get so cross when friends tell me things have been sad for months and they’ve been suffering in silence.

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