NC with dad over Christmas decision. AIBU?

[FraterculaArctica]

Just want someone to chat to about this really. I have been NC with DF (80 yo) since last year. A whole series of issues really but it goes back to a row we had about Christmas around 7 years ago now.
Background: DF and DM divorced when I was in my early 30s when DF met the love of his life. The divorce was definitely a positive thing as Dparents had a horrendous marriage which scarred us all very badly. Nonetheless DF's dishonesty and rewriting of history over the divorce made me very angry.
DSM has her own adult kids and DGS who is very much the golden grandchild... DF has raved about him since he was born and constantly bringing him up as a point of comparison with my (slightly younger) DC. When our DC started to arrive we assumed that DF and DSM would rotate Christmases around their combined DC (I have siblings who also have families). 7 years ago DF scotched that idea by telling us out of the blue that he would always be going with DSM to her family for Christmas. This basically destroyed our relationship and it has never recovered... DSM had a hissy fit and insisted on a "summit meeting" to discuss, but basically stated that DF was welcome to do what he wanted but her life wouldn't be worth living if she didnt spend Christmas with her DD and DGS. DH and I were pretty unimpressed- surely in blended families you accept that Christmas will involve some compromise? DF doesn't get it at all, his preferred solution is to lie to us as to their whereabouts/ gaslight us. He wants to see our DC but makes no effort to repair the relationship with me and DH at all, though makes a big show of throwing money at us - this is his only way of relating to us.

This time last year I finally reached my limit with this and have been NC with DF ever since. There's obviously a lot more to this than I can say here but in principle, am I overreacting to DF's prioritisation of his "new" family?

It all sounds like a petty thing to destroy your relationship with your father for.
Did you accept his money?

We don't any more, I agree it would be totally hypocritical to do so.

Listen, I don’t have a father, he’s dead, but he was an abusive prick when he was alive.
Is your dad generally a good bloke? At 80 he won’t have that much long left…will you regret all this angst once he’s gone?

In many ways he is a good bloke, but he repeatedly hurts his closest family through thoughless actions. Nonetheless of us can pull him up on it as he sulks big time or laughs it off. He has never apologised to any of us in his life - that would go a long way, or any self reflection at all on how he has hurt us. Its got to the point where any interaction with him causes me more pain than anything I get out of it.

I don’t celebrate Christmas so forgive me if this is insensitive, but I don’t understand why you couldn’t accept DSM just being with her kids. Did DF offer to come Christmas alone? I just don’t understand why this was a hill for a relationship to die on. Can you not live with him going to her kids for Christmas in old age? Is this such an important thing or is there more to it?

Then you have your answer xx

Only you can decide if this is worth going NC over.

Honestly I would have just arranged a family get together before or after Christmas and invited them over for that.

Imo you are over reacting, but I'm guessing there's a lot more of a back story here.

You are right it's too hard to explain the whole saga here. I kind of regret posting now. In response to @MD2020and10LambertandButlerPlease - I guess my question would be then, in that case why can't DF and DSM see her family one day either side of Christmas some years? Either the actual date is important or it's not.

So, dsm wants to spend every Christmas with her dd and dgc and your dad wants to spend every Christmas with dsm so will never see you at Christmas?

I do see why that's hurtful tbh. Not sure I'd go NC over it though.

My dad is the same fwiw and we only see him once a year, but he does live overseas. We still do birthday and Christmas gifts, phone calls etc. That's enough for all of us at the minute. I actually respect my dad's partner more than him as she insists on seeing her family as much as possible while my dad has always been a bit take it or leave it.

Well in that case you are 100% right in cutting him out of your life.

Nobody should ever put their own feelings of upset aside, just to appease the person who caused the upset in the first place.

Whilst iI can see why this is very hurtful, I’d probably take the option of minimum contact. He doesn’t care enough to make time for you, that is really crap.

It sounds like I have a similar history as you OP, and I'm here to tell you, he will never prioritise you. He lives with her and ultimately he will do whatever she wants, My stepmum was awful to me from a very young age, and made it clear that she didn't want the baggage that came with him, I could count on one hand the times he ever stood up for me over 25 years.. luckily I only saw them once a week, some men are just pathetically weak and will do anything for a quiet life.

It sounds like they have a standing invitation to her daughters for christmas day, which step mum never wants to miss, so if it is only Christmas day that is the crux of the issue, I do think that is a bit unusual to go no contact over, it's very normal for families to see each other on the days around Christmas, not everyone has to spend Christmas day together. What do you do for Christmas normally? Do you ever spend it with your siblings? is your mum still around?

We are conditioned to constantly seek our parents approval, even if they are shit, so it's not your fault you feel this way, but the sooner you stop relying on him for your happiness the better. That could mean maintaining the NC or it may mean forging a relationship with them in the knowledge that her family will always be the priority for HER and your dad is too weak a person to fight for you.. I learnt early on to have absolutely zero expectations and that way they can't disappoint you.

If you are cutting him off solely due to him not wanting to spend Christmas day with you then I honestly think YABU.

But if that's the straw that broke the camels back then that could be different.

Yes I think "weak" is a good description..DF never stood up to DM's often horrible behaviour throughout their marriage, he won't stand up to DSM either.

After the big row then DH and I did try to offer olive branches - we made a big effort to make it possible for them to stay at our house for a post-Christmas visit and specifically invited them. They came for lunch but stayed elsewhere, DF tried to pull the wool over my eyes about where they were staying. We have never been invited to their house (DSM's house) since the row. DF kept dropping hints that he would like our DC to go for sleepovers there. I don't know why he thinks we would let our (primary age) DC go to stay somewhere that we are not welcome.

DF kept dropping hints that he would like our DC to go for sleepovers there.

Most likely to play happy families with her other grandchildren and show what good grandparents they are, I wouldn't be entertaining it for a second either, not with the relationship the way it is.

The problem is he can't/won't give you what you want, he's chosen to fall in line and he will never be the dad you want him to be, he did you a favour in a way 7 years ago by telling you exactly what he was prepared to offer, at least you know where you stand in relation to her and her family, you know you will never be their priority.

I think the fact that he throws money at you may indicate that he knows he is letting you down, maybe he feels guilty that he can't offer you more so overcompensates with the one thing he can freely give you, it probably eased his conscience to compensate you.

Is the relationship outside of the Christmas issue worth salvaging? More so the relationship between him/them and your DC? If so, just take Christmas off the table completely, take your expectations down to zero, and see if you can forge a relationship outside of those limitations.

What was his mother, your grandmother like?

I thinl its bizarre that he would spend every christmas with her dgc and not rotate each year. I'd be very hurt too. What do your other siblings think?

I take it from what you have said about your mum's horrible behaviour that you probably don't spend Christmas with her?

My dad remarried very quickly after my mum died and my step-mother ensured that they spent every Christmas with her daughters. They never came to the family birthday parties for my daughter before she started school, as she had the same birthday as one of her adult daughters and attending her birthday was more important to my dad than attending his grandaughter's birthday parties.

I didn't fall out with him or cut him off, but I hardly had any relationship with him. I don't think he cared though.

I think Xmas was just your ‘straw’ from what you say.

I wouldn’t go NC though - I’d be LC. And I’d accept his money because the reality is that you’re unlikely to get an inheritance.

My dad was pretty useless but also didn’t ever throw money at me, so it could be worse 😆 I’d take the money tbh, especially if it could benefit your DC (I think it would be cutting your nose off to spite your own face not to). Sorry to bring this up but I’d also expect not to inherit from him, it sounds like everything will go to your SM and her family. I agree it’s shit but what he does is out of your control.