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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Late realization of narcissistic DM

6 replies

whatisforteamum · 14/11/2025 11:15

So I was raised in a large family and through sibling rivalry we all ended up pretty much estranged.
My siblings often told me DM was a narcissist and I didn't believe it.
Tripping over myself to visit her and my lovely late df.
I recently had to read my medical records and saw again how she was unsupportive and critical of my parenting skills,refusing to visit much and she once reported me to social services as she felt I needed help as I lost a lot of weight.
Nothing whatsoever happened as the dcs were v well cared for and she apologized for having a mother like that and said it must be difficult.
Yesterday I got a mobile call to collect her pills from the pharmacy.my mobile was in my locker as I was working.
Later I get a landline call where she explained someone else had gone to get them.
I had to repeat I work later as it's too dark to walk the journey at 630 am down a country lane.
Every month she forgets to order pills calls gp then rings pharmacy are they ready almost when they open.
It's so cringe that she gets them jumping through hoops.
I suppose I could organize to call her every month to remind her.It was just the gp before now she calls Boots.
Everyone in my town has to use the pharmacy and I see a lot of elderly collect their own stuff.
The five of us are almost immune to her demands now as there is always something.A relative lives there temporarily and get food, takeaways etc.
I've found it difficult to realise she really thinks the world revolves around her.
Worse still I fell for it for over 50 years.
I just thought she was v strict and critical and never said I love you.
Now I realize she triangulated the family and damage done probably can't be repaired when she does.
Anyone else stuck like this.

OP posts:
LondonLady1980 · 14/11/2025 11:48

I came to the realisation earlier this year as to what a dysfunctional and abusive relationship Ive had with my mother my whole life. I have always excused her behaviour, cowered to her demands, and tolerated her wrongs because that’s how I’d been conditioned to behave since I was a child and I knew no different. After a disagreement (for want of a better word) earlier this year, my eyes were truly opened and Pandora’s box opened…… and lots of awful truths and realisations came out about my mother and the type of person and parent she was.

I haven’t spoken to her now for over 7 months and I’ve had to have counselling to come to terms with everything, but it’s still incredibly hard. I go through periods of being incredibly angry towards her, to then doubting my decision to go NC, but it all just became too much.

I honestly don’t know how things will progress because it’s still such a mess, and I feel so conflicted at times, and like you said, I feel stuck in the middle of something horrible.

I’ve always known deep down that the mother-daughter relationship we had always felt strange, or different, but now that I’m having to unpick it, and face the real depth of it..well it’s really hard.

whatisforteamum · 14/11/2025 12:03

Londonlady1980 sorry to hear about that.
Mydsis and I were treated differently to our two dbs.
One of my db the golden child has gone nc with us all and doesn't visit DM too much but regularly calls her.
My other db said he wouldn't blame me if I had nothing to do with her.
A psychiatrist told me decades ago someone in my family had issues and I had the symptoms when I had anorexia.
She honestly has expected us to do everything in old age and then criticized it.
I may get some counselling.

OP posts:
Suednymph · 14/11/2025 13:57

Search the 'I took you to stately homes' threads on here. We all have the same mother unfortunately.

whatisforteamum · 14/11/2025 14:27

Thank you I will.☺️

OP posts:
Hoipers · 14/11/2025 15:16

It is never too late to make changes and heal.
Do it for yourself.
Maybe a sibling might join you later in family therapy.

Time to mute or block her.

whatisforteamum · 14/11/2025 17:52

Yes well I want to enjoy the last bit of my life.Also want to get my head straight before she passes away.
Although I'm sure my scapegoat sister can see how I'm fixed.
DM doesn't want a funeral or headstone which I'm glad she has made her wishes clear.
Df didn't have a grave either and that has been ok.He was a decent lovely man.
I've gradually cut ties however I do live in the same town.
Bizarrely she hasn't been in my house for around 15 years.
Used to send df with a Christmas card.!!

OP posts:
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