Is it normal to fancy other men? Is it my age?

[Defrostedmariahcarey]

Bit of background: married for 13 years with 3 children all under 9. He works ft and I work pt. I have a history of anxiety and depression and had about 18 months of CBT which helped.

I think I am perimenopausal. My hormones are all over the place. My periods are heavy and last ten days or more and I’m not ovulating (I don’t think, at least) I get hot flushes and awful mood swings.

the last year or so I’ve been attracted to other men. Mainly, Jason momoa types with huge muscles, huge shoulders, tattoos - not my normal type! There is a man I cannot avoid (workplace) who I think finds me attractive too. He’s also married and if he’s the type to go after other married women then what does that say about him?! I won’t lie though it’s flattering because he’s very good looking. I don’t want to be preoccupied with him anymore and when I don’t see him for a while (over holidays for example) I don’t think about him. I do have him on ig and I can’t really remove him without making things very awkward at work. Nothing has happened bar talking by the way. But I do see the way he looks at me.

i would never, ever cheat. I’ve seen it happen first hand and the way it messes lives up. I’m just riddled with guilt because I don’t want to find other men this attractive, my husband is a wonderful man, we have 3 amazing children and I know he loves me. Why can’t I just forget about everything else?

does this make me a bad person? What can I do? The guilt is keeping me awake at night :( please be kind - my mh has been in tatters previously and it’s took a lot of guts for me to post this.

Forgot to say - I am 39!

Many of us in our last whiff of fertility are experiencing limerence. It can be a tormenting experience!

On Instagram you can totally mute an account so it doesn’t show up on your feed without unfriending. Do that. And wait for the limerence/crush to pass. Recognize it for what it is and by all means don’t act on it. They say best way to end limerence is starve it, so the more you can avoid him the better.

Normal tbh.

Look into hrt sooner rather than later. First two posters are 100%.

My sex drive went really insane in peri.

It's normal to fancy others, though. You don't have to act on it. Brightens up the day, you don't need it ruined by reality by doing anything.

I googled limerence and this sounds spot on. I just want to forget him instead of getting butterflies when I know he’s at work with me, last night I dreamed about him 😳 I don’t want to feel like this.
Im utterly miserable and so guilt ridden.

just to reinforce I would never ever do anything- ever! I just find him insanely attractive. Like weak at the knees hot. I also can’t see he’s got any flaws in my head he’s perfect. When in reality he’s eyeing up a married woman when he’s married himself and is probably quite selfish!

Limerance is just a naice lady’s word for feeling horny.

Yes, it’s normal; no need to beat yourself up about it.

Thanks, this made me laugh which I needed. I just don’t want to think about him or be attracted anymore I certainly don’t want to be dreaming about him!!!

Totally normal to fancy other people, regardless of age and hormones, and to daydream etc.

I’m 49. I adore my partner; we’ve been together 22 years and I love him so, so much. I’d rather die than cheat on him.

That doesn’t mean I don’t find other men attractive to look at, think about etc. I definitely do and always have.

The quickest way to get it to subside, in my opinion is to just accept that it is there in an "ok, there goes my limerence again - right- back to the spreadsheets" type of way.

You can't help feelings of attraction to someone else, they just happen ( although you are of course responsible for acting on them or not). If you try fighting or suppressing them , they just fight back and get stronger.

I'd just accept them without encouraging them ( eg by indulging in fantasies about that person) and then just get on with what you need to be doing. They will fade in time.

Can't comment directly as I'm male, but DPs sex drive is through the roof at the moment, 45 and right in the middle of perimenopause. And yes, she is definitely lusting after other men, mostly on TV. It doesn't bother me particularly, I'm the one reaping the benefits after all!

It’s normal. I’d go as far as saying that you should enjoy it.

IMO it’s a healthy sign of your physical and mental health. I know that when I have had periods in my life when I felt down or a bit depressed, I didn’t fancy anyone. Same when my children were very young and I was all touched out.
So I think it’s a good thing.

It’s normal. Pretty much all men and women in relationships are going to experience this at some point. People have eyes. It’s only an issue when it leads to acting on it, which people can seem to manage as they lack self control.

The fact that you're agonising over this proves you're not a bad person my love, you're just human. Hormones make us do crazy things, but I'd argue that lusting after Jason Momoa is on the very low end of crazy to be honest. I mean just look at him. And he knits. He's lovely.

Let yourself be flattered, let yourself have crushes, enjoy it but take the energy home to your husband.

Exactly 🤣 the MN obsession with it cracks me up - it’s nothing special, you just have the horn 🙈

I had the same thing with a colleague but I totally fell for him. It was tragic because he felt the same and we were both married. It went beyond what you say, in the sense we both knew it was mutual and was becoming a thing. We didn’t act on it physically, but you know it was hard. He was made redundant last year so I guess in ways this saved us both because he moved countries. I still miss him and think about him daily. My DH knows and we had to go through counselling which made me feel mega awkward and cringe tbh.

Anyway, just wanted to offer a different perspective to this being totally normal and fine. If you think he’s attracted to you too, just be careful. It’s easy for an attraction to turn into feelings.

Thank you so much for all the reassuring replies!

thank you also for this. I can’t feel anything for him because I don’t know him well - and I need to keep it this way don’t I, as he’s made it clear he’s interested in me. What sort of man does that, and how can I find it attractive? 🤢

Just because you’re in a LTR doesn’t mean that you’re oblivious to other attractive people. It’s happened to both DH and I, the important thing is not to act on it.
Crushes pass, you’ll forget about him eventually. 💐