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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pleading for advice and help!!!

23 replies

BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 14:38

Hello, i am a guy and new here so please bare with. I am 30 years old. I have recently 4 months ago ended my relationship with long term partner and mother of my two children after 12 years. I had found myself being unfaithful to her and no longer felt like I could continue with her after what I have done and I am eating myself away telling myself she deserves better and true happiness. The problem is, she still wants to stay with me. Over 12 years I have been unfaithful a few times of which I am not happy about. I have no attachment to anyone when I do. My long term relationship lacked excitement and we tried to address this for a number of years but my partner struggled to make any real changes. Very early on in our relationship (first year) she had slept with a couple of people during a time we agreed to take a 'break' with intentions of getting back together. That day hurt me bad. And it is the only situation I can attribute my behaviour to or what may have been the root cause of all this. I have since been speaking to another woman who is fiery and much more intense than the partner I am used to. My now ex is such a laid back, submissive character, new girl on the scene is very nice but can argue in an empty room. I really do love my long term partner now ex, but I cant help but think I have done that much damage now that it has broken her and it will never feel normal despite what she says to reassure me. She has said some deep things in the heat of the moment about me and rightly so, but I am well aware she meant those things.

I already know, I am a piece of sh**. I am not looking for pitty or sympathy from anyone. But can anyone talk from experience here? Do I get back with long term ex and mother or my children and both of us live knowing what has happened, and that it is likely to come up from time to time. Or do I simply let her go and own my mistakes despite her wanting to get back.

I appreciate anyone who finds the time to reply to this. I am guilt ridden and leaving her for good would crush me. But it is my own damn fault.

OP posts:
LondonPapa · 13/11/2025 14:40

Respectfully, STFU with your creative writing course. If real though, of course you leave her alone. But I suspect this is fake for attention.

Abracadabrador · 13/11/2025 14:43

Just leave her alone, you were shagging about on her and blamed it on her not making any changes to be an exciting person. That's not the actions of a feminist man who cherishes his girlfriend.

Focus on parenting your kids. Who to have sex with next doesn't matter.

shropshire11 · 13/11/2025 14:46

You either have to go back to her and make it work for the sake of your kids, or walk away.

If you go back, that means truly committing. Forgetting about what happened while being 'on a break' years ago, and not using it as an excuse for your own terrible behaviour. Letting go of past patterns of coping, and taking responsibility for your own faithfulness to her. This will be extremely hard and only you know if your feelings for your ex and for your children are going to be enough to get you through the hard times.

OR you have to admit to yourself that after 12 years, the relationship is unworkable. Be a grown-up about it. Give your ex some grace and both of you try to move on. You can look for a partner who truly satisfies you. And do your absolute best to keep on good terms and be a father to your children.

It sounds to me like you need to take the latter option and truly own it.

ITIgnoramus · 13/11/2025 15:11

I think you mean 'bear' not bare.

But in any case you sound very immature.

Nowhere have you mentioned your children or the pain you will cause them by walking out.

You have a family and you should have been able to keep it in your trousers and behave like a responsible adult man.

I have no advice other than you don't sound much of a catch for any women the way you behave.

Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:18

The children go without saying. Their Mothers happiness ultimately will be their happiness. I understand what I have done, I own it, and I am ashamed. I just want advice without being reminded of who I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:19

I truly appreciate your comments without the need to slander me like most would. Your reply means more than you know and I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:19

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:20

I am at rock bottom. I wish it was fake.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:21

LondonPapa · 13/11/2025 14:40

Respectfully, STFU with your creative writing course. If real though, of course you leave her alone. But I suspect this is fake for attention.

I wish it was fake.

OP posts:
BlueDwarf · 13/11/2025 15:22

The damage you have done to your children is life long. Children from seperated parents do worse in every metric measurable. You have made their lives worse and far more complicated for good.

That being said, I do not think you should stay married to your poor wife. You have emotionally abused her by cheating, and aren't even man enough to face up to the hurt you have caused.

Pathetic.

The only kinds of women that will want you now will be scum. Have fun with that.

Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:23

shropshire11 · 13/11/2025 14:46

You either have to go back to her and make it work for the sake of your kids, or walk away.

If you go back, that means truly committing. Forgetting about what happened while being 'on a break' years ago, and not using it as an excuse for your own terrible behaviour. Letting go of past patterns of coping, and taking responsibility for your own faithfulness to her. This will be extremely hard and only you know if your feelings for your ex and for your children are going to be enough to get you through the hard times.

OR you have to admit to yourself that after 12 years, the relationship is unworkable. Be a grown-up about it. Give your ex some grace and both of you try to move on. You can look for a partner who truly satisfies you. And do your absolute best to keep on good terms and be a father to your children.

It sounds to me like you need to take the latter option and truly own it.

I truly appreciate your comments without the need to slander me like most would. Your reply means more than you know and I appreciate it

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:25

BlueDwarf · 13/11/2025 15:22

The damage you have done to your children is life long. Children from seperated parents do worse in every metric measurable. You have made their lives worse and far more complicated for good.

That being said, I do not think you should stay married to your poor wife. You have emotionally abused her by cheating, and aren't even man enough to face up to the hurt you have caused.

Pathetic.

The only kinds of women that will want you now will be scum. Have fun with that.

I can face up to it. But is it the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Abracadabrador · 13/11/2025 15:28

Is what the right thing to do? You and the girlfriend have already broken up.

You and her need to co-parent, are you parenting at least 50/50?

Slander is a legal term, I'm not sure if it applies on an anonymous chat forum. Just forget girlfriends altogether, it seems nothing good comes of dating, for you, just work on yourself, and parenting.

BlueDwarf · 13/11/2025 15:30

BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:25

I can face up to it. But is it the right thing to do.

Show quote history

Yes, you should galavant off in to the sunset with the latest trollop, and leave your poor wife to pick up the pieces of your children's hearts. You will eventually anyway, might as well get it over with.

Really. She'll definitely end up with someone far better. You'll end up alone or with the kind of woman that will make you wish you were alone.

If you really are older than 15, and still need women to tell you what the 'right' thing to do is, then I can guarantee that doing the right thing will be forever beyond your capabilities.

DaisyChain505 · 13/11/2025 15:35

Get some therapy to address the root cause of why you act so despicably and don’t get back with the poor woman. Let her have a chance of really happiness with someone who will be faithful.

Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 15:48

DaisyChain505 · 13/11/2025 15:35

Get some therapy to address the root cause of why you act so despicably and don’t get back with the poor woman. Let her have a chance of really happiness with someone who will be faithful.

As hard as it is to read, Thank you i appreciate it

OP posts:
Odiebay · 13/11/2025 16:07

Leave your ex alone. You haven't done the work to be a better person. You are still attributing her indiscretion to be the root cause of why you cheated with is obviously a load of crap.

Leave both women alone and stay single and work on yourself. That's the moral way to act here but as you have cheated on your ex multiple times I expect you will pursue the new woman but leave the door open incase that doesn't work out and you ex will still have you.

Please don't do this. You are in no state to offer someone a healthy relationship.

MiddleChildX · 13/11/2025 16:15

‘Found myself being unfaithful’
Like waking up from a fugue state ‘finding yourself’ riding someone into the middle of next week. Ooops.
I think you mean, I decided I could shag around and treat my wife with utter contempt and disdain.
It was hardly an accident.
Leave her alone.

mixedcereal · 13/11/2025 16:16

Firstly I would actually own the mistakes you’ve made rather than say you own them but actually blame for partner for “struggling to make any real changes” for perceived lack of excitement

Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 16:16

Odiebay · 13/11/2025 16:07

Leave your ex alone. You haven't done the work to be a better person. You are still attributing her indiscretion to be the root cause of why you cheated with is obviously a load of crap.

Leave both women alone and stay single and work on yourself. That's the moral way to act here but as you have cheated on your ex multiple times I expect you will pursue the new woman but leave the door open incase that doesn't work out and you ex will still have you.

Please don't do this. You are in no state to offer someone a healthy relationship.

I should walk away rather than try to rebuild? Appreciate your time

OP posts:
Northquit · 13/11/2025 16:16

"I had found myself being unfaithful to her"

Oh dear. Did you just fall into another woman's vagina?

Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 16:17

MiddleChildX · 13/11/2025 16:15

‘Found myself being unfaithful’
Like waking up from a fugue state ‘finding yourself’ riding someone into the middle of next week. Ooops.
I think you mean, I decided I could shag around and treat my wife with utter contempt and disdain.
It was hardly an accident.
Leave her alone.

Yes sorry im not so good with words. I was unfaithful

OP posts:
Original poster
BrowsingGuy · 13/11/2025 16:18

Northquit · 13/11/2025 16:16

"I had found myself being unfaithful to her"

Oh dear. Did you just fall into another woman's vagina?

Poor wording sorry, I was unfaithful

OP posts:
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