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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh, this is just WEIRD.

14 replies

PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 07/06/2008 20:05

My dsis has recently been dumped by her dp of 10 years, largely because he's fed up of dealing with her long-term incapacitating injury. (It is, of course, waaaaaay more complicated than that, but I don't really want to get into it.) I would never describe us as "close" but he's been very generous with us and is very charmed by ds.

Last year they planned to come here for a short work trip; at Christmas when we visited them we said we'd have them round for tea. Now, she's not coming (being stuck at home, sobbing her heart out and packing her things) but he is. I got an email from her this morning saying he was going to still try and have dinner with us, which she'd rather we didn't.

His PA (!) has rung to try and sort it, I put her off because ds was in the bath, but now she's about to ring back and try and set it up.

What I want to say is, "are you fucking KIDDING me?!" but I am a wimp. Further, dh doesn't want me to be rude because at some level he kind of wishes we could still stay friends with him.

So, to white lie ("gosh with dsis not coming, we went ahead and made other plans") or just a bald, "no." - wwyd?

OP posts:

Chequers · 07/06/2008 20:07

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 07/06/2008 20:07

No loyalty is all inbthese situations and the reason he has gotten his PA to ring is so you can have an out. Tell the PA that you feel that it is not appropriate any more as he is no longer in a relationship with your sister. Tell him that you are sorry and you wish him well.

NotABanana · 07/06/2008 20:09

Just because the relationship has finished doesn't mean you can't be a grown up and stay friends.

Say the children are ill if you really don't want to say no because you have left my sister, you cad.

brucelovesfrumpygrumpy · 07/06/2008 20:09

Is he shagging his PA? Why would she phone......on a Saturday?????

For me, its simple.....if you like him and you would like to keep him as a friend, he comes. If you have a good relationship with your sister and you think this is weird (your title), you bow out. "We assumed you wouldn't be coming and have made other plans" fits perfectly!

turquoise · 07/06/2008 20:10

I think if he hasn't got the courtesy to ring and make social arrangements in person, you don't owe him the courtesy of an explanation (staggered that he should need the reason explained anyway!).

So I would just say to the PA that no, the dinner is no longer possible. No apology, no explanation.

squeaver · 07/06/2008 20:15

The end of long-term relationships can be strange though.

I know a bloke whose ex-MIL did his ironing for him for FIVE YEARS after the divorce..!

I'd fob him off for now but maybe someone (your dh?) needs to have a word and figure out the ground rules from now on

squeaver · 07/06/2008 20:16

And meant to say - his PA??!! WTF?

WelliesAndPyjamas · 07/06/2008 20:16

Sorry to hear that about sis. Utter bummer. And very crap of him.

Do you think he wants to see DS one more time, knowing he won't have any kind of contact with him in the future? Maybe you could change it to meeting up for a coffee? Bit simpler but still gives him a chance to see DS.

If it wasn't for the fact that you mentioned he was taken with DS, I would otherwise say cancel the whole thing. Dsis has said she'd prefer that.

ShinyPinkShoes · 07/06/2008 20:20

If he's getting his PA to contact you I daresay he is half expecting to be put off to be honest.

I would go with the "we thought you'd both cancelled so have made other plans" option.

Original poster

PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 07/06/2008 20:44

His PA is phoning because that's the way he functions, always has done. Just for a long time my dsis did it for him.

Wellies I think he just wants to carry on "as normal", that's his usual MO. It would be ghastly and weird, an elephant in the room sitch.

I don't want to see him, don't think we could still be friends actually after what he's done. But I do feel sorry for him, he is a cad but he's a lonely cad and doesn't understand why. So maybe an excuse would be kinder...

OP posts:

snotbuster · 07/06/2008 20:54

A friend's ex did this to me and my then partner once. In fact he rang asking if he could bring his new girlfriend to visit us! Despite being the least assertive person in the universe (then, anyway) I said no, as the thought of it was turning my stomach - my friend, who I'd know since childhood was distraught by him leaving her, so couldn't believe he thought this would be ok!
A few years later he and my friend got back together. They're happily married now with two DCs. He's never mentioned it..
In summary, think some men (no sexism intended) are just a bit thick about this sort of thing.

Original poster

PhDlifeNeedsaNewLife · 07/06/2008 20:56

yes, snotbuster, exactly!

but they won't get back together.

OP posts:

WelliesAndPyjamas · 09/06/2008 12:40

how did he the PA take it, phd?

madamez · 09/06/2008 14:31

While I can see that it might be a bit much for him to expect to have dinner with you this close to splitting up with your sister, could you leave the door sort of open for friendly contact in future. If you have been close-ish to this man for 10 years it seems a shame to cut off a friendship altogether (particulary if your DS likes the man: why should your DS lose contat with someone he likes), especially given that people often become friendly with XPs after the first upset has worn off.

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