Gifts and occasions

[slighlyoverit]

Hi guys this is my first post, I need some advice
what do you guys do on your anniversaries or do people not do anything and do your partners make an effort.

Yes. What do you do?

I’ve always made an effort and gone out of my way but it’s never been reciprocated
I always get personalised cards so dh and dc but obviously the children are too young but always make me homemade cars which I love .DH knows how much they mean to me but never does and I’ve told him that I don’t want expensive gifts but I like it when he is thoughtful and I would appreciate anything that he’s bought with his own thought instead of telling me to choose something or buy something.

I’ve always made an effort and gone out of my way but it’s never been reciprocated

I'm always confused as to how this imbalance wasn't discussed/resolved early on in the relationship. Like, the first year or two of birthdays/Xmases when you're feeling out each other's approach to gifts and occasions. If he didn't make an effort then, that was an indication he wasn't into gifts and occasions. If gifts and occasions were important to you, you could have either told him to up his game from the start, or found someone who also placed importance on them.

DP and I don't really get each other gifts. Neither of us enjoy choosing presents, neither of us want any more material things, if there is something we want we both prefer to get it for ourselves. We take each other out for fancy meals for birthdays because that's one of our favourite things to bond over. We don't mark anniversaries. We talked about all of this in the first year we went out with each other!

We got married really young so
i knew he coudnt afford much because he was busy just making ends meet. And he came from a family who never celebrated anything or gifted anything but I did it for him , also as a way of showing him. So it has always been important and when somone does something even small that they thought of you it really means a lot to me.

Also It’s not that he’s not into it his excuse is that he doesn’t know how to shop for women and doesn’t know what to buy

You sound incompatible. I suspect there is more to this

He says he will take me and I can choose what I like but I’ve explained it’s not about that it’s just about the thought but I guess he’s just not into gifts or gestures in that way and it probably doesn’t mean much to him as it does to me

Bump

So does he buy gifts for men, since he 'doesn't know how to shop for women'?

My husband doesn't care about gifts, actively does not want any, for anything. But he knows I care about them and so chooses things he knows I will like. Because he likes me.

Tell your husband you expect him to do this basic thing.

No he doesn’t really gift anyone or he would ask me to help him but if he has to or needs something he will research and find something so I don’t know how to take it. I’ve addressed it many times and spoke about it carefully and calmly so that I don’t come across like I’m attacking because that’s not my intention. He then says he feels I’m attacking him and he feels like he’s never good enough.

We usually go out for a nice meal together on ours and get eachother a small token gift. My husband was very excited by the concept of the anniversary materials so always tries to get something that falls within that, bless him.

So last year was 9(pottery) and he dragged his mates to a pottery class and made me a jewellery dish. This year was tin so he got me a massive tin of my favourite biscuits. Nothing expensive or fancy but just cute, thoughtful little things.

That's to get you to shut up. Vile behaviour from him. Does being married to him enhance your life and make it all easier and fun? That's the only reason to be in a relationship.

That sounds like a lovely gesture and it’s nice to see people enjoying doing things for their partners. From childhood I’ve always felt out of place and not loved so I wanted to change things for my own family and have always shown them love by giving thoughtful gifts but it hurts when after a decade together your partner still struggles to buy any sort of gift or do a small gesture.

In my family for birthdays and Christmas we make lists so everyone gets what they want. If you do that he has no excuse about buying something you don't like.
Re anniversaries a nice card where he has written something thoughtful and a meal out is simple enough.
Oh and make sure you tell him how you feel. Him saying you are 'attacking him' when you mention his complacency is just not good enough, he sounds very selfish. Does he show you any consideration in other ways?

I think we have just become very comfortable with each other and all we have known. He helps around the house as we both work from home. I realised I was neglecting my self so I’m making an effort to do nice things for my self

I don’t like personally asking for gifts and with my family I mean as in partner and children so I’m usually aware of their wants and needs and the kids usually express what they like. With my partner it’s usually something that he likes or needs. If I like something I can usually just get it my self and he usually says let me pay for it but I like my own independence even though he has offered. I don’t want expensive gifts of that sort just somethings that he put a little thought into and not feel forced. Like you say even just a card with something that he has personally written but he never does . So him saying I don’t know how to is pretty rubbish because I’ve always got personalised cards with personalised messages inside for all the kids and for him on birthdays and our anniversary’s

OP, if you don't like gifts but you want something that requires thought you may have to give him some hints as he sounds lacking in imagination. I think you are going to be waiting forever if you want him to suddenly write something romantic and thoughtful. Do you even get cards from him?

@Seaoftroublesi have given him hints all the time and he’s sent me a few text messages on anniversary or birthday etc. but sometimes it’s literary just a happy anniversary no special message and over the years I’ve done it for him so surely he must have learnt something but I don’t think so . I’m come to the conclusion that we should just stop giving anything on anniversary’s and I’ll just stick to doing nice little gifts for the children on their birthdays etc

Bumping