How do I get over not just him, but the future we had planned

[Elanie]

I’m sorry in advance if this is long, I think I just need some space to vent.
I was with my partner for 3.5 years, I’m now early 30s, we live together, we have been TTC for a few months and are/were engaged.
A little over a week ago, he left me. It wasn’t malicious, it is probably the right choice but I’m devastated as I wasn’t expecting it.
A few weeks ago he went out with some work friends and happened to run into his ex at a wine bar, he came home earlier than he usually would if out with friends, told me straight away he’d ran into her and that they had spoken. He seemed okay.
Then over a few days he got more and more quiet until a week later when he told me that he realised he wasn’t really over his ex, and that he felt it would be deeply unfair to continue our relationship when he had feelings deep down for someone else.
I don’t know why but I asked him to tell me more, I knew the relationship was over the second he told me he wasn’t over her but I still care about him and he was clearly upset and felt guilty. I told him the honesty of knowing where his mind was at would settle me.
We spoke for a while, he admitted that he broke up with his ex as he felt it was easier than putting effort into the relationship, that at the time he wasn’t ready to give her what she needed and thought he was being kind by walking away. He then told me that he has since learned that love does take work and effort and in his defence he has been a wonderful partner to me and I’m not angry at him.
I asked what about seeing her changed something for him and he told me that they always had this connection, so much in common, same humour, same life goals etc. He told me he does love me but he also knows he could love me more as he did love her more and that I deserve to be someone’s number 1.
Im glad he ended it, our relationship has always felt a little bit stiff, we don’t have the most in common and just generally clash personality wise but I guess I’ve only ever been in relationships like that and I’ve almost concluded that I’ll probably never meet someone I totally click with.

What has devastated me is not so much the relationship ending but more losing the future we had planned. I guess I imagined we might have a baby or be pregnant by next Christmas, we were starting to wedding plan and looking at houses to buy and now I’m back at square one, all those things marriage, kids, forever homes are now years and years away. I was really looking forward to the next stage of life so it’s absolutely broke me that I’m back at the start.

How do I get over this? Not just him, but the reality I won’t be getting married or having children anytime soon? I don’t really know how to visualise my future anymore and that is quite terrifying.

Is it a case of the grass is greener where he was? He remembers what he used to like about her but not what he didn't. He left her because he couldn't commit and now he's left you for the same reason.

It sounds like a good thing for you but yet also perhaps considering that he has a commitment issue. And that the perfection he remembers might not be real

From what he has said he doesn’t actually have any intentions of going back to her, but rather he’s acknowledged that he isn’t over her, isn’t 100% in the relationship and it wouldn’t be fair to keep me in that situation which I agree with.

It's the grieving the future that you thought you were going to have that is the hardest thing. Sending a hand hold. You will get through it and you will build a different future, but you will also need to grieve what you have just lost. You can't expect to see the future right now. Just take it a day -- or a half day, or even an hour at a time.

It does get easier in time. Be thankful he left now before you were married or pregnant. It was always going to happen at some point. Men like this never commit but spend a lot of time future faking very effectively. It’s him with the issues not you. Be kind to yourself.

You need to grieve your relationship, and the future you had planned. You thought you would be taking one route, and now that’s not happening. Take time to process it all and the changes in your life.

I’m sorry this happened. It’s not a nice thing to go through. But on the upside, I’m glad for you that he’s got his head straight now and not a few years down the line after kids and marriage.

Re: the future - he’s the only variable that will change there. You can still have all of those things you desire, just not with him.

When you’ve had time to process, go back out there and get that person who holds you at no. 1.

Poor sweetheart xxxx I wish I could give you a huge hug.

From the way you write and your insight, you are very well together and that is going to stand you in good stead.

If it is not right, you cannot go ahead with it and yes, he has done the right thing and it is OK to accept it and to move on.

But you haven't lost everything. In fact everything stands before you now, in a way it did not within this relationship. This is a tectonic plate moving into place.

What I think you should do is grieve this end, spend lots of time alone, and then get back to 'you'.

Get yourself back on track in your health, fitness, professional life, wardrobe, choices, friends, general plans, hobbies, joys etc. You need to be operating on top form for 'you' and then the men who see you across rooms will see who you really are.

I promise you this is not the end. I promise you a better fit is coming along, and sooner now for this breakup has cleared the way.

We just cannot tell you when.

Are you the type to thank the universe for what you receive? In the knowledge that it is coming?

He's been quite courageous to step off the relationship escalator before you reached those next major milestones if he didn't feel it was quite right.

I think you need to ask yourself why you were willing to marry and start a family with him when "our relationship has always felt a little bit stiff, we don’t have the most in common and just generally clash personality wise". Don't settle just because you want a wedding/ kids etc, better to be alone than in the wrong relationship.

All of this. I married my first husband in 1989 when we were both 24. We had 2 children when we were 27 and 28. He left the September we had both turned 30. He didnt love me, the spark had gone, he needed to do what he wanted when he wanted and he couldn't do that with young children.Blah blah. Turned out he was having an affair with a 17 year old from work . It was the hardest time of my life and I can absolutely understand how you feel Op. The removal of the future you thought you would have is always painful. But there is better out there for you. Take a bit of time, make some plans. I remarried when my children were 9 and 11. I'm 60 now and my second marriage could not be more different to my first. Being with someone who is totally committed to you is amazing . Being with someone who always has one eye on the door is rubbish.

OP, you weren't in love with him, in fact you don't think you had a great connection or that you were even suited.

You were just committed to what you believe are the next stages of adulthood.

Be so grateful you are not pregnant, married and with a house with him, because this relationship was NEVER going to last.

It is deeply disturbing that you wanted the idea of the relationship and not what you shared with him, which actually wasn't great at all.

He sounds like a maturing adult and he has been honest.

Get into therapy asap to figure out YOUR head.
Because no relationship is going to work and last when its about your idea of adulthood and not the actual connection to partner.

Do this before you go near a datine site.

In a real adult relationship itbis your connection that tops EVERYTHING.

Ahead of house and children.
'Cos when shit gets hard and real, it is your connection that helps you survive it together.

I ended a similar relationship at 32 and remember only too clearly that huge void. Its so hard. I tried various things, but found changing jobs was the thing that helped me most: new challenges, new people, fresh start which gave me so much more energy and something to focus on. You might love your job, of course, but if not, it might be worth considering taking back control a bit . . .

Best of luck

I'm so sorry. Hugs from me. It's shit but he was right to end things now. It's just crap that it happened at this time in your life.

You are young. Get on the dating apps after a few months grieving this loss

He’s done the same thing to you that he did to her. This is a pattern for him, and it will take a while maybe, but once you heal you’ll one day be glad that he didn’t do this after you had a child or children.
my fiancé called off everything and dumped me three weeks before the wedding. I was already living, internally, the idea of our wedding and honeymoon; it was all planned - and it was SO hard, to let go of that future that I was living into.
what helped me was to realize that the future I felt so deeply was mostly me- mostly my own creation; that it wasn’t with the real him.
give yourself time to grieve, and when the anger comes, listen to it; this man isn’t who you think he is, or he wouldn’t have been able to do this.
if he wants a future without you, well, he deserves to live all the rest of his days without you. He doesn’t deserve you.

this line about leaving someone for their own good is utter and complete bullshit. He did the same exact thing to her! Deciding that “I could love you more” and leaving because somehow he knows he won’t be able to do the work? Utter bollocks that I guess he thinks makes him look noble.
from where I’m sitting, it sounds like he’s a bit overdramatic and scared of commitment.

Dodged a train there, op - life with someone (especially with kids!) will bring a lot more challenges than seeing an ex in a bar. If he can’t weather even this small thing, he’s not a man to rely on with your whole heart.

I’m so sorry.

one thing I learned from my awful experience was that doing therapy and healing has made certain I’ll never make the same mistake again ; damage dances with damage, and once we heal, we don’t attract the same kinds of people, and aren’t attracted to the ones who resonate with whatever damage we’re carrying that allowed us to turn a blind eye to certain things.

wishing you healing. AND- if he comes back, please think long and hard before letting him back into your life. He has the earmarks of a serial drama seeker.

I had a similar experience this year OP. It’s been six months no and though im better I do still love him. Have given myself until the end of the year to properly grieve before dipping toe back into dating.

things that helped me were accepting support from friends and family, lost weight/start weight training and rediscovered hobbies from before him.

understand the pain of the lost future - I imagined us having children etc and ultimately he didn’t want it

Although you must be feeling devastated right now, be glad this happened when it did and not further down the line. There’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said already in this thread but I want to say you deserve better and this isn’t down to anything you did or didn’t do.

For men like him this is a pattern of sorts, he is an immature future faker and he will most likely do the same to the next woman. Something similar happened to me last year, in fact he strung me along right up until this year and I kept trying to make it work because I didn’t want to start from scratch. Big mistake, he’s moved on with his life of hookers and recreational drugs which is what he wanted without a care in the world for wasting my time and lying to me.

You’re better off being miserable and alone than being miserable in a relationship and that’s what you will be if this loser tries to talk you into taking him back. Thank God you didn’t get pregnant or married yet because this would have been much worse.

Aww op I understand but having those things with the wrong man would not have led to a happy future. Before thinking about settling down don’t compromise your heart x

Oh I didn't mean that as such.

He left his first girlfriend because it didn't feel right and he couldn't commit. He leaves you because it didn't feel right and he couldn't commit - excuse is the previous gf.

I suspect he will have the same issue with his third girlfriend. Maybe you will be the reason he gives his third gf.

I wonder if that helps you process this. A commitment issue rather than a relationship one. But if it's that, good you find out before the kids, that he struggles to settle with people

I married a man who was settling for me because he didn't think he'd ever find his person (I didn't know this at the time). We had children together during the marriage.

He left me in my 40s with young children. I've never met anyone else, I did try but dating in your 40s with several young children isn't easy, so I'm alone now, over 10 years on and I still have to share my children with him. I dread every Christmas because of it.

It's horrible now for you, but you still have the potential for the future you wanted with someone who wants that with you. You've had a lucky escape with this man.