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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Using separate/burner phone for abusive XH

2 replies

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 12/11/2025 17:49

Those of you who do this, do you manage not to check it unless you have to ie when your DC are with him?

My XH is having to find new ways to be abusive (we've been divorced a couple of years and the DC (primary age) live with me and only see him every other weekend) and his current game is to text me about something irrelevant - for example something to do with school such as "does DC1 have her sports kit ready for tomorrow?".

I do 100% of everything, there is no co-parenting, it's simply an excuse to contact me, knowing that I will pick it up thinking it's about the DC, and although I want to ignore it I don't want him saying to the DC that I ignore his messages, or him ignoring mine even more than he does already. If you've not been in an abusive relationship you'll think I'm crazy worrying about this...but I have C-PTSD (diagnosed) so it's hard to not overthink back and forth about what to do...which of course gets him into my head, which is the whole point.

So, I am thinking of getting another phone and only switching on the one that he messages on whilst the DC are with him - do you all manage to do that, or do you find yourself checking it in spite of yourself, "just in case?"

TIA.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 12/11/2025 17:51

100% do it!

I did it after a year or more if abuse including messages and calls in the middle of the night and absolutely horrendous nasty stuff.

It died down but I have to put firm boundaries in place even now.

I actually forget to even charge it until contact day. It drives him mad 😆

If it is actually urgent, he now asks DS to tell me to check my phone.

TrolleySculpture · 12/11/2025 17:52

There are apps that allow communication and I think a shared calendar, nothing can be deleted message wise and they can be used in court to show how you co-parent. It means he cannot be really nasty without you being able to show how awful he is. They are recommended for situations like this.

Someone more knowledgeable will come along and hopefully tell you which one they use. I just know they exist from MN posts.

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