DD debating going NC with her dad. What do I do?

[MumintheMiddle00]

Hi,

This is really tricky one.

DD has been considering going NC with her dad for several years, but can't make that final decision. He has DC with his new partner and DD really does love them, although they live far away and there is a very big age gap. They have more of a cousin relationship really. Nevertheless, they do mean a lot to DD and I honestly do think this is the biggest reason she can't draw a line under it, understandably.

Without going into too much detail, she's steadily losing all respect for her dad and just doesn't like the person he is. She does love him, but is finding his views and his whole personality really, very difficult to take. He can be very misogynistic, is becoming increasingly right wing (and I'm talking far, angry right) and often says incredibly bigoted things and is actually quite aggressive when DD challenges him. Not physically of course! But just loudly shuts her down, calling her a snowflake etc.

She's 18, so I can't intervene really at all, but I would say, if he'd been saying and doing the things back when DD was little as he is now, I'd have really wanted to minimise contact.

Every time she sees him, she comes home mentally drained and sad and will often cry and then need to reset again. He shouts and swears at his kids a lot and has let DD down so many times. Broken promise after broken promise and I am so sad for her, as she's desperate to have a dad who is considerate and who respects her and basically just doesn't treat her like crap.

There have been things brought to my attention about him recently that have made my blood boil and I have said to DD that I would absolutely not blame her if she did want to stop seeing him.

As I've said though, it's his other DC that stops her doing this. They are completely innocent, after all, but seeing him is destroying her mental health, quite honestly.

When she hasn't seen him for a couple of months for example, she seems so much happier and calmer and just more herself, so I dread her going, knowing that she'll almost certainly come back home a little bit broken again.

I just don't know how to navigate this. Any advice would be really appreciated.

TIA

I think if she's going to make this decision, you'll just need to be there to support her as she will lose her siblings too as she won't be allowed to maintain a relationship with them until they are adults and Dads partner unless particularly close with your DD will be unlikely to facilitate a relationship between them.

Sorry to read about your dilemma OP. I cut my dad off around 16 for the first time and I have given him chances since but it's never worked out so we have been essentially NC these last 15+ years. Kinda glad he didn't have more kids because I think I would feel the same as your DD

I think with the half siblings being so young it's very hard to say you can maintain a relationship with them and be NC with dad. She could try very low contact instead, and perhaps via video call, make some excuses about being too busy to visit but wanting to say hello? It's unfortunate the relationship with stepmum isn't great.

I think ultimately it would be good for your DD to get support outside of you for this, as obviously you're worried about being accused of influencing and there's really tricky dynamics.

A therapist could help DD consider: if she wants NC that would likely mean no time with the half sibs and how does that feel / what are the key things upsetting her and is there any hope of mediation or family therapy with her dad, why or why not / how will she feel as time goes on, with family milestones and also bad news such as illness or death / what would she like in an ideal world and are any of those things feasible now

My mum supported me but was also very firm that it was my choice and told me herself she was biased. Inevitably my dad then came to her and yelled and accused her anyway. I felt bad about that but also glad she didn't take it and said it was all about his actions.

That’s tough. If she wants to break away but also wants to protect her siblings it must be such a hard place to be.
Contrary to most of the opinions on here, I’d gently try and confirm this is how she feels and if it is then explain you know exactly where she’s coming from and make a plan do work through it.
How on earth you do that sensitivity I don’t know, sorry.

My dd was 14 when she went no contact with my ex. It was absolutely not of my making - up until then I'd always tried to encourage DD to maintain their relationship. But when she decided to go nc I didn't try to influence her either way, just tried to be impartial and diplomatic. I expect ex blames me, hey ho.

With your dd being 18 then it's really not something you should get involved in at all, other than if DD asks for your advice.

She is 18. Her choice

Do his parents ever look after his kids?

That's how my daughter saw her half sibling a few times.

Also just going for dinner then coming home, but i understand there is a long distance between yours? Also for my daughter that didn't last anyway; even being around for dinner ended up intolerable.

It sucks either way though; my daughter doesn't see her half sibling very often at all, which she feels terribly guilty about, but it's either guilt, or suffer the trauma of being around him. So she's chosen the guilt.

Thanks for all your help and advice so far. It's genuinely been very useful.

@wandawaves I think they do occasionally, but quite honestly, they have been terrible grandparents to DD. They don't bother with her at all and barely did when me and her dad were still together. She gets the occasional birthday or Christmas card (normally with her name spelt incorrectly!) and even when DD is around to see her dad, they don't bother to make an effort to see her. This is something else that makes DD feel like utter crap whenever she stays. As if she needs something else.

If her dad's behaviour is worsening that could result in a split between dad & his wife/partner - in which case I'd guess the little kids would stay with his ex. Would his wife be ok to facilitate video calls between your DD and kids? Could be a way to have sibling contact without seeing dad, and build up ties with his wife in case they split.

Obviously it's her decision, and you need to not push her in either direction. But I support offering the third idea of low contact. These things don't have to be completely black and white - I think social media tends to push the "no contact, this person is toxic" narrative, whereas often things are complex.

If she saw him rarely, then it wouldn't affect her mental health so much, and it would also make any wider family events less awkward. She could always move towards even less or even more contact later, if his behaviour changes, or if her feelings change as she gets older.

I think low contact option will be a good middle ground. Hopefully DD will see this could work. The way I see it, it's about damage limitation. There is no scenario where she comes out completely unhurt unfortunately.

I had this when my DD was 21. I kept quiet and said I would support whatever she decided. Ultimately it was her decision alone.