Trying to leave but struggling

[Indecisive98]

I have not been happy with my partner for around 3 years and have broke up with him multiple times. It's always the same cycle that we will break up, he will be awful to me and then a few days later start telling me how much he loves me and wants to work on things and being super nice to me. This is where we are at just now. I am meant to be moving out soon and feel like he is breaking me down to give another chance.

For background, I still love him but I don't feel I can be at peace in this relationship. He can't control his anger when life gets hard and takes it out on me. Things are only good when life is going well and I feel like that's not real life. I am always on eggshells and he will go off at me for saying the wrong thing, picking up my phone to text, not sitting up straight or whatever reason he can think of. He has been very controlling and critical in the past so I just can't see any future where I can be happy. He wants us to go to relationship counselling to work on communicating as he thinks I misinterpret what he is saying and then get upset. My previous counsellor has told me he was abusive hence why I don't want to do joint counselling.

I just really need some advice to get through this and not being talked into staying please

No-one else can do this for you OP - you're the one who has agency over your own life and choices. It doesn't matter what he wants or what he says - you are the one who has to decide what YOU want and be prepared to follow it through. Do you really believe that he will ever change? Are you afraid of being on your own? If you have a plan to leave, make sure that you stop all contact with him when you do. Block him on all platforms so he can't harrass you and try and change your mind.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. The first step out to take is often the hardest one and one you have to do on your own. After that it gets easier. Do you have support from family and or friends and or somewhere to stay?. Have you been in contact with Womens Aid too?. Why did you finish with your last counsellor?.

What factors have prevented you from leaving, until now at least?. Fear of him, fear of the unknown, money worries?. All these and more can play a part here. You state you still love him but are you really confusing this with codependency?.

What he has and continues to show you now is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He is now in the nice part of the cycle again (and you recognise this as such). He will revert to type soon enough. And you are also right re joint counselling; it is indeed never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is not a relationship issue and nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. It is about power and control and this man wants absolute here over you. Such men do not change and they hate women, ALL of them.

You've seen how this works Op, he's trying to control every little thing you do, you say you're leaving and he promises you he's changed but he never does. Every time you let him talk you into staying makes it worse @Indecisive98 , he thinks he can be as nasty as he likes but he can always win you back_ prove him wrong, leave, block him on everything and have a better life

OP You have been advised by a counsellor to leave him so what more proof do you need? You say he is angry, critical and controlling so please ignore the current love bombing from him, you've been there before and you know it's manipulatjon to get what he wants which is to have control over you. He is doing so by using intermittent reinforcement. It's very destabilising, but the nice part you crave is very addictive and you know in reality he will revert to type as soon as he gets you back.
If you have somewhere to go then leave now and block him on all platforms. Speak to Women's Aid if you need further advice and support.Then get counselling for yourself. No one should be walking on eggshells in a relationship.

“I am always on eggshells and he will go off at me”
”He has been very controlling and critical”
“My previous counsellor has told me he was abusive”

OP, if this were your daughter telling you about her boyfriend or partner - what would your advice to her be? You say you’re supposed to be moving out, so now he’s putting on the charm offensive. You recognise this behaviour from before, and know that as soon as you have capitulated, he will go back to his old controlling ways. OP, even this being nice is his attempt to control and keep hold of you. It’s time to be strong, and to rip off the plaster. You say, “I am meant to be moving out soon“ - in saying that, you have given him time to change tack and try the charm offensive. Pack your bags and go - just leave; block him on your phone and make a new start, or you’ll be back here in three months telling us exactly the same story.

Thanks all, he is still manipulating me when he is being nice and unfortunately it has always worked in the past. I just need to break the cycle as I know I will be in the same position next year again once he is confident he has me back and starts being nasty again. I just feel so attached to him but know it isn't healthy. Thankfully have a lot of support but they will all get to a point where they can't support me if I don't leave so really trying to be strong and going through with it for good as really don't want to spend my life unhappy

What is it with all these abusive men? Whenever he loses his temper- what would happen if you went really angry back at him? Really made it so unpleasant for him each and every time he was unpleasant to you? He wouldn’t like for you to do to him what he does to you. And you probably wouldn’t do it. That’s because there’s probably a power imbalance in your relationship. And that suits him just fine, doesn’t it?

You've made the first step OP by saying you don't want to be talked out of leaving. That's real progress. Do you have somewhere to go if you left?

I will have somewhere else to stay in a few weeks. He thinks he has talked me round and is now acting like the conversation hasn't happened and that I'm not still planning to move out. Going to have to go through telling him again that I am leaving and it already took so much for me to say it the first time. It's just so much easier to stay right now but know long term I will likely wish I hadn't

It is indeed not "easier" for you to stay as you have already seen.

DO NOT tell him you are planning on moving out. That is also how he got you to stay last time because he told you he would change yada yada. You need to leave safely and without him knowing of your plans in advance. Enlist the help of family and friends if they are around to help you leave safely. Perhaps you can go whilst he is at work or out somewhere.

Your safety here is of paramount importance and when you are away from him you need to block him on all channels. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme going forward and not enter into any further relationship until your boundaries are a lot stronger. Men like this can and do further weaken already perhaps weakened boundaries.

Leaving is the easy part, staying away is the hard part.

You know who he is, he has clearly shown you that in the past who he turns out to be when things are not going his way, that is the true version of him.

You love the version of him he showed you at the beginning, that is a version of him that you only get when he is manipulating you back in, its addictive, and can be confusing as hell when they love bomb, so you need to be strong.

Start listening to yourself, this is not a safe person you are with.

You just need to leave. You are an adult

What is stopping you leaving now? do you have family?

Yes but all stay hours away from me so unable to get to work from there

Could you take some time off work maybe?

Thankfully he has shown his true colours again yesterday and started being abusive to me about something that happened in the house. Blaming and intimidating me and having me crying at work as I was so anxious. Really glad it happened as it has made me very strong in my decision to leave.

I am just wondering why it feels so hard to leave someone so manipulative. I know 100% I am doing the right thing for my future but also feel that I am going through the worst period of my life.

It's become your normal life, living from one episode of abuse to the next. He's never going to change @Indecisive98 , only you can make a better life for you now. Just leave, and this time don't look back

Be strong and be careful. Leaving an abusive relationship is always a dangerous time. He wants you there and that is seductive, but what dues he want you there for? He abuses you. Go, as quickly as you can, having got all your ducks in a row re money, your rights and so kn.

You don’t need to tell him again, it’s too exhausting. He has been told, now leave. Conveniently acting like he doesn’t know or it’s not happening now is just more manipulation and wearing you down. You know what’s going on and that you need to leave, you can do it!! You will be so much better off

Look up trauma bonds OP. It’s the push pull, hurt/reward that causes the brain to become addicted to the niceties. It’s incredibly abusive and will get worse if you stay.

Have you been able to get away from him @Indecisive98 ?

I very much hope so.

I actually have. We have been no contact almost since my last post on this thread and I have started somewhat of a new life. Not easy in the slightest and having days of breaking down but keep pinching myself on a daily basis that I am actually out of that as never thought it would be possible

That is such good news. You have been strong and brave. Good luck for the future.

I'm very relieved to read you are away from him.
To break away from that situation must have taken so much strength.