Footsie at the dinner table

[ToffeeForEveryone]

Looking for some advice on whether I am in the wrong here.

We have a small 4 seater dinner table and DH sits across from me usually when we have dinner there. I sit with my feet straight down basically under my chair and DH will stretch his legs out so his feet are bumping into mine.

DH seems to think this is being affectionate but I find it very annoying at the best of times and have told him repeatedly previously that I don't like it. I also often get overstimulated, especially when tired, and really don't like people constantly touching me (another thing he does all the time, he will tap me on the backside or shoulder or something every time he goes past - again, even though I have said repeatedly I don't like it).

Tonight I was knackered, DH was on a long distance work trip for a week and only got back at the weekend so I know he is tired too, but I had told him I was tired tonight (busy week for me last week too and today). I made dinner, asked for help with some housework but he did one thing then walked off.

When we sat down to eat, he put his feet under my chair again. DS (9) is also starting to copy his dad and doing it often now too, so I had him putting his feet up into my lap from the side. I did get snappy and asked them both to stop so I could eat my tea.

DH reacted really horribly, called me ridiculous and other names in a really cold and nasty way. He's reacting like it's some rejection or personal attack against him, but from my side I have literally asked him not to do this so many times and he just ignores me. It doesn't feel like he's trying to be affectionate, it feels like at best he's ignoring my comfort and more likely he's trying to annoy me.

Now there is an atmosphere in the house, again, and I'm just exhausted with it all. I genuinely don't know if I am the one in the wrong here so looking for opinions on whether I am being overly sensitive and hard work and if other people would be okay with your DH doing this?

You're not wrong.

Your husband has been violating your bodily autonomy after you've said no and explained how you don't like it and asked him to stop. Now he's taught your son not to listen to your no when it comes to your body.

It sounds little, but it's actually a big deal. He doesn't care about your comfort and wellbeing and he treats you like a possession, not a human being.

Thank you. I know objectively it's a small thing but that's exactly how it feels.

I would have snapped too. I need a lot of physical and emotional space sometimes and don't be putting feet on me, it's dinner, not the subway at rush hour.

Now he's trying to make you feel guilty. Don't. You've asked him nicely. He ignored it. FAFO.

I think you've reached the end of your tether.

I would be considering my options.

It's a bunch of little things but the principle is a big one. Don't touch other people when they've said no. We learn that super early. He's an adult who ignores your no and he's taught his son to ignore an adult woman's no.

It also sounds like he's not pulling his weight with household chores.

Let there be an atmosphere. Don’t back down. Your DS needs to learn that a woman’s ‘no’ is not the start of a negotiation, or to be treated as unimportant. It should be your DH’s job to teach that but it seems that no one taught him.

I think as soon as he started doing it, I would grab a tray and go and eat my dinner elsewhere. It's extremely rude to ignore your request.

Your husband doesn’t just ignore your No, he actively punishes you for it. That’s really worrying and honestly I’m wondering if this is the tip of the iceberg.

I’m irrationally angry on your behalf with all these feet on you. Don’t eat with them again.