How can I leave him?

[Bookaddict87]

DH and I have been together for 20 plus years. We have children, the youngest is primary aged.

I need to ask him to leave. He's abusive and I'm done. He promises he'll change and to be fair to him I can see the effort he's making. However, it's too little too late and living with him isn't good for me.

Here are the issues:

He has nowhere to go and we can't afford to rent somewhere for him.

The children adore him. They've no clue about what he's put me through and just see their dad. He's very hands on and I can't fault him as a parent. I'm pretty sure they'll blame and hate me for splitting up the family.

He has some weird hold over me and I feel terrible for hurting him despite all the hurt he's caused me.

I'm embarrassed. I thought we'd be together forever. No one will expect us to split. From the outside things look great. I don't want to talk much about what he's done, but it all took place in our bedroom and I just can't forgive him.

Finally, he's told me many times that he can't live without me. This scares me. I don't want my children to lose their father because I ended our relationship.

I feel so stuck.

OP, you are not to blame for the breakdown of your marriage - he is. It was his choice to abuse you and he is responsible for his own actions. You are not responsible if he chooses to harm himself (and honestly, it's usually an empty threat used to control you)

I would urge you to be very careful - you can ask him to leave but if you're married, the home is a marital asset and you can't make him leave. This could lead to a very difficult and even dangerous living situation.

If I were you, I would contact Women's Aid for support and advice. I do think you need to end the relationship but doing it safely and securing your finances is crucial. Women's Aid will be able to help you make a plan to leave safely and point you in the right direction for legal and financial advice.

can i suggest contacting the rape crisis line - I found them really helpful, if I understood your post correctly. You need to plan your way out carefully op x

Maybe take some baby steps with it if that would help you feel better. Is he aware there is a problem or does he think things have blown over and all ok now? I think it would perhaps be easier on you this way? Less of a shock and maybe if he is the good dad you say he is you ca work out a good plan for the children and how you move forward.

Well done for recognising the relationship needs to end.

First priority is yours and the children’s safety. I really wouldn’t recommend you ask him to leave, I don’t think it will be a safe situation.

Do you have a good support network locally? Could you stay with parents/family?

Thanks for this advice. I have spoken with them about things that happened. It didn't occur to me to speak about leaving. I'll try that. Thanks.

I've called Women's aid, but have been kept on hold for ages. I'm sad there are obviously many people in difficult relationships.

@Gonk123 he's very aware that we're teetering on the brink. I just don't want to hurt our family members, but I need to get out.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs No, I don't have anyone locally to help. I've been looking at rentals, but I'm not sure if I can afford anything at all. I am stuck.

Some things are unforgivable. It's not your fault that he is going to feel the consequences of his actions.

You and he need to be apart. I would not be concerned about where he goes going forward , he’s never given you any such consideration.

I would also suggest you contact a local firm of solicitors on the quiet and get legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce. Knowledge here is power.

I suspect that what you have been through is something similar to what my ex did to me. It's horrible and horribly common. There was other abuse to but mostly that and emotionally/financial.
Woman's aid was a massive help and so were friends who had had similar relationships and managed to escape. I was surprised but how much support I could get from my local counsel. Have you spoken to them?
When my ex realised I was about to leave and break what they call the trauma bond he completely turned his behaviour around it was a total head fuck as it's designed to be.
You've taken a massive step by realising you need to get out. Now it's time to make a plan with small steps. You aren't to blame and might be surprised with how much of his behaviour the children have picked up on.