Tricky kids situation after a break-up

[suitcasesarepacked]

I have a friend who left her ex-partner a year ago. He was a coercive controller and subjected her to years and years of degrading and belittling treatment. She has children with him.

My question is in relation to her children when they are with their father.

This Halloween, her ex contacted her, asking her to contact us - her friends - to ask us if our children could go around to his house for a Halloween party.

One of our friends thought we should all suck it up and go for the sake of the kids, because they were miserable, because they were separated from all their friends on Halloween day, because they happened to be with him on that day.

My feeling is different. I think he's despicable and I don't want to have anything to do with him. Nor do I think that my children's primary relationship is with him. It's always been with her, when they've stayed over with her.

I also think he’s still controlling her, and if we become ‘friendly’ with him, it makes it even easier for him to control her.

But how do you navigate this for the “sake of their kids?” Because I do see them as innocent victims in this. What’s the right thing to do?

Your friend needs to decline his request. Does she have support or has she done the Freedom Programme? You're right, he's all about manipulation.

Yanbu - people who do this enable shithead men to continue to shithead behaviour and give it tacit approval

I'd contact him directly and be very upfront. say you want zero to do with him as he is a creep of the highest order and you are delighted she's finally left. Your children wont ever be in his presence if you can help it and if he wants his children to spend time with their friends and key dates he shpuld consider that when agreeing custody arangements

In your shoes I'd have hosted an amazing halloween party at my house on a day the mum had contact and posted pics all over insta stories just as a fuck you to him.

She has support from her friends, but hasn’t engaged in counselling. I was advised by Women’s Aid to not push her. She constantly re-engages with him for the sake of their kids.

If he cared about the kids, he could acknowledge he doesn’t have the network to provide them with a party and suggest my friend has them in that day - even though it’s his day - for the sake of their kids. But he won’t. We all know he won’t, so some think we need to be the ‘bigger people’ so the kids don’t suffer. It’s the suggestion my refusal to comply is somehow ME being unfair to the kids that irks me.

That's the manipulation! He gains advantage when people act out of sympathy for the children. Your friend needs professional support. It's great that you are a good and supportive friend and you clearly have the measure of her ex. Would she post on mumsnet herself? Do you have a local domestic abuse organisation? Please tell your other friends that being neutral is actually siding with the abuser.

I thought it is for the kids and not him? your kids aren't going to be his mates are they?

personally i do not see an issue , it's the kids who suffer in this case and you will attend and go home, you aren't being his friend either.

If he does a birthday party for the kid, you think other kids should not attend because the parent has issues with the other parent who is your friend? how was he to you? that is what matters

No.

This is the reality of custody. Kids miss out on stuff.

This is at her ex's request and I wouldn't facilitate his asking her friend group for big favours on his custody time using her to ask. Stay clear. I think this comes across as manipulative.

Also, by taking your kids to his, you're showing them he's a safe person when he's not.

So he was inviting her friends’ kids over to his house via her, asking her to contact everyone?

No. If he wants to invite people, he contacts them. Not gets to use her as a messenger. And then you can say no.

Well, this is the argument that is being made.

To me, he always plainly thought I was a ‘small stupid little woman’ - not someone he respected and consequently couldn’t be bothered talking to. I doubt he knows anything about me personally because he’s never deigned to have a conversation. Nor has he ever shown any interest in my children. I think he’s an egotistical prick.

I don’t like the way he talks to his children either.

I don’t see why MY children should be borrowed by him like they are objects suddenly useful to him.

But yes, his children missed out on Halloween.

He can’t contact us because he doesn’t have any of our numbers. We were his ex’s friends, not his.

But I do think his ex should have told him it wasn’t her problem to solve. Because he still makes demands of her when he feels like it. But she can’t because she wanted her children to be with their friends.

He’s threatening to take custody from her. It would be easier for him to argue they have full happy lives with him if he could point to all the friendships etc. It is manipulative.

Oh, that would be a hell no if he's threatening her over custody. You and her other friends would be enabling him to look better in court.

‘small stupid little woman" ? are you just assuming or he told you this directly?

I get it how we can easily take sides of our loved ones in such cases but do put kids first here, you are not going to his Birthday party, you are doing something for the kids.

I would go if I was you unless he was causing physical harm. I believe the issue was how he treated his ex and not the kids so why judge this situation based on that and not focus on the kids?

My kids come first.

My ex isn’t truly abusive but he is a bit of a twat sometimes.

If my kids were sad at missing out on Halloween because they were at his, the kindest thing that someone could do would be to celebrate Halloween on another day with us.

Being friendly to the kids dad just reinforces that you can be a shit parent, and other people will pick up the pieces. If no one goes, it might push him to be nice and genuinely try to make friends with someone with kids.

The plot really thickens. It turns out he actually asked to have the children on Halloween when it WASN’T his night and my friend agreed because she thought he’d organised something. But he hadn’t. He then tried to leverage HER friendships through her - making her worry about the kids - at the last minute. It’s clear to me the point was to screw my friend over. I now feel my gut instincts were spot on. No way am I going to be guilt tripped into facilitating or endorsing his abuse.

Totally agree with this.

Op you sound like an amazing friend and thank god you see through all this blokes total bullshit. You are spot on!