Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

4 year partner cheat once

16 replies

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 08:18

my partner of 4 years has always made my life easier and always been selflessly there for me.
Did start rocky in early years as I was recently out of a relationship and he was still not secured on me. He found messages to my ex and I found him talking sexting. This was put behind us a year in and we became more serious together. Living with each other and planning a future.
well not too long ago he had a family trip booked to Scotland Edinburgh.. during the trip he had a big domestic fall out with his family that have always been difficult with him and he ended up spending the last 3 nights alone but still in the city.
i supported him each night and loved him from a distance till he returned.
everything normal for past two months and recently he sent me a std positive and admitted to cheating drunk on one of the nights he was alone.
claiming the stress and alcohol of the situation made him do something so stupid. I blew up in horror of this and my health, I’m planned for children soon and have other medical things ongoing and I just was so so upset my health was at risk like this and I still need to get treatment after 2 months he hasn’t told me I’m guessing till he got his positive results from his symptoms.
so as I say I need to end this as I can’t get past this he is saying I was just as bad in start of relationship and I should give him another chance? I just don’t see this on the same level. He has put his own health mine and the act he has actually gone and slept with another human. I have never touched a man while I have been with him.
I am stuck because I feel this man was such a special person in my life but I just can’t trust after this. And the health scare I have waiting to be tested I don’t feel safe with this person what can or should I do ?
I feel his reaction to instantly defend what he did by bringing up old past is unjustified and can’t compare to this health scare betrayal.

OP posts:
Spiritofsharing · 11/11/2025 08:25

He had unprotected sex! You talked to an ex, so not the same thing. No this is a massive violation of trust. He got drunk and chose to have sex, so no I wouldn’t forgive in those circumstances. He’s potentially given you something awful that could affect your fertility. Selfish arsehole. Being emotionally distressed in no excuse!

Makemeanonymous · 11/11/2025 08:45

If his reaction to being upset about something is to get drunk and have sex with some random person then in no way can you trust him going forward.

And that's without even considering how you are supposed to cope with this massive betrayal he has already perpetrated.

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 10:29

yes I have been so confused about what to do as I’ve never been in this situation. He doesn’t know the other woman and I assume it’s a mistake on his part. But it’s a line I just wouldn’t ever cross myself the guilt of doing that just thoughts enough to ever stop me so how he could is something I can’t accept

OP posts:
vitalityvix · 11/11/2025 10:43

I cannot believe he’s had unprotected sex with another woman when you are planning to have children soon! Giving you an STD is a horrible thing to do, but the fact he was also willing to risk a pregnancy with this random woman is mortifying.

Get rid, don’t look back. He isn’t the man you thought he was.

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 10:52

It’s so out of character for him to be of the radar for even an hour with messages and calls around work times so I don’t think he’s done this before. But I just feel very unsafe with someone who can be so silly having unprotected sex and then not even checking or stopping sex with me days later. And I have had this for over a month now I helped him when he felt unwell I know to be this std now. But as I said and confronted him it’s gunna be over I feel guilt tripped into past things but I said to him I wouldn’t ever ever go sleep with another man ever. If I felt like that I would stop the relationship. It’s safe to say I won’t be planning children with this man for months to come I just don’t want to lose all good parts of this person I’m so sad about it all and he is too

OP posts:
Makemeanonymous · 11/11/2025 11:03

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 10:29

yes I have been so confused about what to do as I’ve never been in this situation. He doesn’t know the other woman and I assume it’s a mistake on his part. But it’s a line I just wouldn’t ever cross myself the guilt of doing that just thoughts enough to ever stop me so how he could is something I can’t accept

I assume it’s a mistake on his part.

You make It sounds as though he forgot to brush his teeth or left his wallet at home.

He either went out and chatted up a woman and then had sex with her or he paid a sex worker. He didn't make a mistake. He made a choice.

No doubt if it weren't for the STI you would be none the wiser. So who is to say this isn't the first time he has done this? Because his reaction is not that of someone who actually sees cheating as a big deal. At least not when he is the one doing the cheating.

nc4thisagain · 11/11/2025 11:08

He’s not even sorry op he’s just turning it around on you trying to justify why he’s done it . Fuck that

KoalaKoKo · 11/11/2025 11:13

It took him two months to tell you and chances are that if he hadn’t caught an std he wouldn’t have told you. He had no problem lying to you for two months.

Look at it this way - if he has cheated on other occasions he also likely wouldn’t tell you. He is either incredibly unlucky that the first time ever cheating he caught an std or he is lying!

My brothers friend is a serial cheat, he cheated all the time multiples times a year - over years and years of cheating he caught one std, his pregnant partner at the time believed him about it being “one time”.

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 11:21

Makemeanonymous · 11/11/2025 11:03

I assume it’s a mistake on his part.

You make It sounds as though he forgot to brush his teeth or left his wallet at home.

He either went out and chatted up a woman and then had sex with her or he paid a sex worker. He didn't make a mistake. He made a choice.

No doubt if it weren't for the STI you would be none the wiser. So who is to say this isn't the first time he has done this? Because his reaction is not that of someone who actually sees cheating as a big deal. At least not when he is the one doing the cheating.

yeah the way he’s told me it’s while he has been out he won’t go into anymore detail as “what does it change or help” he says.
I just feel he’s in a very vulnerable spot with life and he’s just lost control of himself. But I said I can’t be with him right now il be there for support but I’m just going to be treated and be alone for now. I’m just struggling with how and why but I guess time will help me understand

OP posts:
Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 11:25

It’s just we are usually in contact through WhatsApp calls Snapchat so I know he’s at work or where ever he is this is why it’s like I’ve slept and it’s happened in the night. But yeah maybe there’s been another night I don’t know about… it has been on my mind but I’m never gunna know.

that’s appalling I can’t even imagine the hurt she must be going through having his child.
this is bad enough without that extra worry

OP posts:
Makemeanonymous · 11/11/2025 11:30

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 11:21

yeah the way he’s told me it’s while he has been out he won’t go into anymore detail as “what does it change or help” he says.
I just feel he’s in a very vulnerable spot with life and he’s just lost control of himself. But I said I can’t be with him right now il be there for support but I’m just going to be treated and be alone for now. I’m just struggling with how and why but I guess time will help me understand

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

But just because he is going through a difficult time really doesn't excuse his behaviour.

Being so kamikaze with his own sexual health is very revealing about his character. And putting your health at risk the way he has is unforgivable imo.

Please put yourself and your own welbeing as the priority going forward.
It's not your role in life to provide support for a man who thinks so little of you and your welfare and well being.

NeedyExpert · 11/11/2025 11:30

It would be madness if you stay with him, its probably happened before and will happen again.

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 11:34

Makemeanonymous · 11/11/2025 11:30

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

But just because he is going through a difficult time really doesn't excuse his behaviour.

Being so kamikaze with his own sexual health is very revealing about his character. And putting your health at risk the way he has is unforgivable imo.

Please put yourself and your own welbeing as the priority going forward.
It's not your role in life to provide support for a man who thinks so little of you and your welfare and well being.

I know the more I read I am losing myself in this by not laying the line he’s crossed down. I just wanted ideas of what others thought as my brain finds a way to make an excuse up for this but I’m still in shock all I know is I can’t let this ever happen again and the only way is moving on

OP posts:
Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 11:36

NeedyExpert · 11/11/2025 11:30

It would be madness if you stay with him, its probably happened before and will happen again.

I know I’m starting to suspect that from his response to be instantly defensive and I’m overreacting to trying to end our relationship.
My worlds just stopped and the STD is just the cherry on top

OP posts:
DianaIndiana · 11/11/2025 11:38

You seem in so much shock you haven’t taken in the magnitude of what he’s done, that he’s only told you because the test is positive. He doesn’t deserve your support. Make this a permanent break. Put yourself first and ditch him. He has no excuse. None whatsoever.

Tangosalsa · 11/11/2025 11:46

I know I think if it wasn’t for std and not coming clean about the cheating when he sobered up and came home I would see or make a way through this but how that’s been done also and dealt with stupidly I feel it’s all just too bad now it will never be same even if I wanted it to be

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page